Its hurts feeling my heart beat

I dont know what makes me feel like this, maybe its the drugs, maybe its the people… Or the situation. I’m done with life and I feel like I have no purpose. The only reason I am still alive today is because of my daddy and my boyfriend. Unfortunetly though I dont live with my dad. My parents got divorced when I was 2 and my mom took my brother and I to a different state to go and live with my grandparents. My dad is an alchoholic, it bothers me a lot, more then it should. I really want him to become sober, but I kinda have to live with it, mostly because my boyfriend drinks too. My dad only gets shit faced when he is with his friends, which is kinda all the time. My mom is now re-married and I have a step dad, step sister, and step brother. My step brother is a dick to everyone and my real brother that I actually liked spending time with, recently got kicked out. All he did was fight with my mom and step dad so they kicked him out, even thought the only reason they were fighting was because of my step brother.

I miss my brother, and my dad. I havent seen my dad since Christmas and I havent seen my brother in about a month. All of my friends, set a side one or two people, hate me. My school refers to me as a slut or emo. When I was about 5 I was malested by a girl and I can remember everything. It went on for about a year or so. Nobody knew, except me, I was too young and didnt know what she was doing, and now I cant shake the thought of her coming back for me. If I do happen to find her one day though, I’m going to beat the living shit out of her, hopefully put her in achoma, she is making me live with these memories and I want to show her how it feels to have memories haunt you.

I used to cut, alot. I didnt know how to stop, I still dont. I was clean for about 7 or 8 months up until a week ago, then I got back into it. I have thought about taking my life so many times, I have tried it a bunch. I was almost successful when i took 8 tyelenol and 6 advil, but it didnt kill me. I have started strangling myself, putting my hand against my neck, and squeezing tight. Its a rush! I’m not scared of death, I’m scared of whats after death. I mean, where the hell do we go?