I’m sick. Â I have tried for 6 years after getting my diagnosis(es) of auto immune disease which causes crippling pain, to deal with this, to try to be as normal as possible, to engage in socializing as much as I can, but my boyfriend told me tonight that I should not tell people that I am sick. Â People ask, and that’s why I tell. Â They see me struggling to get around, to deal with pain, and they inquire as to what is wrong. Â When I try to be accepting of my fate, and rent a scooter at a theme park, he admits that he is embarrassed because of the scooter. Â I was on facebook for a while, and helped many other people get through multiple issues, reposting their “causes” when they requested. Â The other day, I posted a request for a repost for Auto immune disease awareness, and out of my 148 “Friends”, not one could take the 30 seconds to repost. Â Â I have been a nurse for 20 years, have tended to the needs of many, and there is even question as to whether my occupation even may have contributed to my disease. Â One day a couple of months ago, I was on my way home from work. Â I live alone with my dog, who has been my little rock. Â On my way home, I had already decided that I needed to shoot my little dog first and then I would HAVE to shoot myself. Â I obviously did not do it. Â Over the past 2 years, 2 friends have committed suicide, and it was very devastating to everyone left behind. Â I really don’t wish to hurt anyone, but I realize that my condition is not going to get any better before health care laws change, and I really am terrified of suffering with this pain any longer. Â I have invested so much in people who just want me to accept my fate and sit quietly. Â I moved to another town to be near my boyfriend, giving up my support system and a good job. Â I relocated 75 miles away from “friends” and family. Â I still have my other house, leaving me with 2 mortgages on my single paycheck. Â It’s all getting to be too much. Â I don’t know that I will ever take the plunge, load the gun, and be able to fire, but I really want to.
1 comment
massive respect for nurses, I know what a tough job it is that you do. It sounds like your BF is not very supportive, which sux. Is it worth it? Was it worth the move?