So I’m going to do it tonight…

  September 8th, 2011 by BadaBing

Yeah, not really sure what to put as the title. Anyways, wasn’t planning on leaving a note since there isn’t really anything I want anyone to know, but I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest for whatever reason.

I have two bottles of codeine that I’m planning to shotgun and then wrap a plastic bag around my head. Simple enough. If for whatever reason that doesn’t work I’ll take a quick trip to the Golden Gate Bridge sometime this week and jump (thank god they’re taking so long with those suicide barriers).

As for why I’m doing it…I’m honestly not sure. I made my first attempt when I was 16 for the usual reasons (fat, ugly, no friends, dad who keeps yelling at me/strangling me in anger). Anyways, that was a hilarious failure which embarasses me to think about. My dad didn’t treat me differently afterwards though. Rather than allowing me to get therapy (which I thought might’ve helped) he pretty much kept yelling at me to stop being such a *****.

I went about two years of just feeling like shit without having the balls to do anything about it until I was 18 when I made a second attempt. Obviously that failed too, but around this time I started going to college and decided to try to reinvent myself (or pretty much, act like a completely different person). Which on the surface, most people would probably say worked out. I’m 21 and I have friends now, I look better as I started working out, started taking better care of my skin, and cut/styled my hair so I actually looked half-way decent…but I don’t know. Everything about my life just seems…forced now. I always thought being more social and being accepted by people would get rid of these feelings, but all these people I’ve connected with don’t really like me for me, they just like the person I’m pretending to be. Although they probably all have figured out there might be something off about me. At the very least I’m sure they’ve figured out why I wear long sleeves all the time even in 100 degree weather (I used to cut myself and still have raised scars on my wrists/fore arms).

The only person I’ve ever opened up to completely rejected me. I mean, she wasn’t mean about it, she acted polite enough and tried to be comforting for a bit, but then afterward that day she just cut all ties with me pretty much and just started ignoring me. After that incident I decided that I shouldn’t try to open up to anyone again.

So I guess you can say I’m doing this because I feel as if I’ll never be allowed to by myself around anyone, and I’m starting to feel disgusted with myself for this fake life I’ve been trying to live. There are a ton of other minor things, which I’m sure there always are, but if someone asked me flat out the main reason, I guess this’d be it.

To make sure that I’m actually motivated enough to finish the job this time I’ve spent the last few months sabotaging as many aspects of my life as I can to make suicide seems like the only option. I took a shitload of classes that I couldn’t cover with financial aid with the sole intent of failing everyone one of them to put myself way into debt and ensure that I have no chance of ever graduating. Then I took out a bunch of credit cards and bought a ton of meaningless shit just to give away to random people and run myself into more debt, and a bunch of other minor things which I don’t feel like listing.

I tried to cut all ties with my “friends” but I’m not really mean enough to go through with what I had in mind, so I just simply stopped talking to them. I don’t have any family to worry about really. I don’t care about what my dad thinks about this, and ever since my mom died I’ve kind of dropped out of contact with the rest of my family (my dad’s kind of a black sheep so no one ever tries to contact him and by association, me). So I’m just trying to make it so that there’s really no one around to miss me.

So…yeah. Again, not sure why I feel the need to post this and I’m probably being confusing as hell since I’ve left a couple of other things out (regardless of the anonymity the internet grants me, I’m still not comfortable writing about some things), and I’m not sure if anyone even cares, but…there.

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