I realize this site is more about ‘suicide’ and ‘depression’ but I think this kind of relates.
I have an eating disorder and it has made my life a living hell. Last summer I stopped eating, I lost 10 pounds in a month, that wasn’t enough. 4 months later I dropped to 90-95. It was the best feeling in the world. Unfortunatly I craved food, all the time. I started hitting or cutting to ditract fomr the cravings. Sometime in late October I discovered how to puke. I binged and purged alomst everyday for 2 months, I used a toothbrush. Over Christmas break I fainted for the first time. I was 87 pounds, my lowest, but it was still too much. Shortly after that my mom found out about the puking. I stopped right away, I was embarrassed and I knew she thought I was a ‘disappointment’. I resorted back to starving myself, but on March 23 I went to my dads house for a week and puked again. Only once though. I gained some weight afer that, for 4 months I was betweeen 95-100. I felt huge, I got my period for the first time in 9 months. Over summer break I reached 110, everyone thought I got better. HAH. I just got better at hiding, I was just waiting until they weren’t looking. At the end of August I purged again, it stayed this time. I started school and I’ve been puking everyday since September 7. Not that long, I know some people have struggled with EDs for years, but it still makes life miserable.
I made a youtube video confessing this, only one of my friends MIGHT have seen it, I don’t know, I’m too scared to ask. And even if she did she wouldn’t care.
I told two friends about a while ago, but they kinda blew it off. Anyways, I’m not sure I really want help. My goal is still to get back to 90.
7 comments
intresting… nice for you too shared your story.
what do you get out of being 90 lbs?
I have a different kind of ‘eating disorder’ (I guess it’s called that- but I just consider it a paranoia about food- sometimes food seems alive to me, I like to eat alone in the dark preferably on the floor and not around people, I’m a vegan and I don’t eat anything with ingredients I don’t know) and always related well with anorexic and bulemic people because of it-lots of people say I am one or the other but I’m really not.
I have a feeling of being helplessly bound to material existance by the compulsion to eat and it bothers me. I feel like eating is just a form of jerking off because I gain nothing from my ritual but momentary and useless distraction, it slows my thinking and weakens my connection to what I believe is a more refined experience of life. people have been fasting for thousands of years for this purpose. but I know that when I eat I fuel a vessel thats going nowhere, I eat energy to waste it; and to compound things further I have parasites in my skin that get really pissed off if I eat certian foods- namely animal biproducts and garlic.
also something that enters into my thinking while this goes on is that biblical cliche’ “if a man doesn’t work he shouldn’t eat” (although I don’t put too much stock into what the bible says, that passage haunts me. aswell as all these cultural implications like working to put food on the table, or well you got to eat, about someone not being worth the food they eat, or going out (for lunch or dinner) or you are what you eat and on and on.. you know?)
I never really understood the body image and weight trip though- to me it’s about purity and will; which is something I never had, so I could be a little proud of myself for not participating in that mechanical aspect of life and feel like I had control at least over that; I also feel like people poison the experience of eating with their stupid babble. when I was a junkie I could throw up on command and would do so freequently faking it as an accident when someone would say stupid shit while I had to eat with them.. I miss that expression.
I honestly don’t give a shit about how I look and don’t even know how much I weigh.
But I’m just curious about why you do that in that particular way and what your motives are.. all neurosis’ has a payoff. is it a body image thing, like you feel sexy being 90lbs? or you feel empowered starving yourself in a way you can’t doing anything else? does it have a certian spiritual or philisophical significance to you? I suppose everyone’s trip is a little different but you seem fairly open about what you’re doing, and I imagine you know why you do it, so this is why I ask.
@screams, I also want to know… is this about the actual food, what it represents, or is it about body image? You feel the need to confess, so you must feel bad about it…? Do you feel guilty?
Thank you for asking, I haven’t really thought about those quetsions until now. I supposes it started out as a way to lose weight but I know its not about that so much anymore.
I have a friends who is very skinny, she has been her whole life. But when I developed weird eating habits, I started to see that she uses the same excuses and ways to get out of eating as me. I know she has a problme, over the last year its become obvious that she has a problem, but she won’t admit it. She has been my best friend for 10 years, and for as long as I can remeber, every litttle thing has been competion between us. If I got better grades than her, she would try harder, and vice versa. When she saw that I was skinnier than her, I think that triggered something. It may seem like a really shallow, mean reason to do this, but my weight is the one thing I can always be better at than her, so thats one reason I want to be 90lbs again.
Control over myself is another thing, weight is something I can hold over other people, and they can’t force me to eat. They can yell and scream but it just fules my problems more.
sorry I will finish this later. Have to go to school :/ yay.
I’ve never had an eating disorder (apart from getting really busy and not finding time to eat, which is argueably a disorder..) but I’ve done a lot of research into them. I understand that it’s typical of people who feel they have no control, it becomes a really fulfilling way to feel like you have control over something, no matter how trivial… Unfortunately, it’s not trivial at all…
You are probably a very disciplined person, are there not more constructive ways to exert your discipline? I’m vegan… for ethical reasons… it’s better than eating nothing! Do you like sports? If you’re a competitive person, maybe some sports would suit you?
It’s interesting, this relationship you have with your friend, competition can be healthy but this time it’s definately destructive. And I wonder… have you tried to talk to your friend about it? Is the ‘competition’ kind of a dstraction from what’s really going on?
And just out of curiosity… do you like food – the taste and smell?
Hope school was ok hun.
@ one_day, yes I am deffinately disciplined, more by myself than others though i think. my family is very supportive, they don’t expect me to be perfect, but i expect it from myself. I strongly dislike sports. I don’t like being on a team, i just don’t like it for some reason, but thanks for suggesting it. I’ve recently talked to her about just being competive about everything, saying how im always trying to be better than her. she said that she doesnt try to compete with me , but its very obvious she does. I’ve never brought up the weight thing directly but i have been dropping hints for a while. i’m not sure i know waht you mean by ‘what’s really going on’ and yes, i love food. alot
@tastelikecherries, i understand what you’re saying, i have felt kind of like that before. I think its really interesting that you feel that eating is wasted energy, ive never really thought of it like that before. the ‘you are what you eat thing’ thing has bothered me before, i rmember going out to lunch and i couldn’t finish my meal because i felt like everyone was watching me and thinking ‘cow’ ‘fatty’….. its a horrible feeling, im sorry you always think like that. To me being empty makes me feel like i can conquer the world, i feel beautiful and invincible. It does make me feel better when i know i havent eaten all day, like i have finally accomplished something. I lose weight by not eating, simple as that. i do not over exersice (i hate working out soooo much), it takes a while because i often binge and get off track. I read alot of books about EDs and they trigger my problems, give me ideas, and keep me going. I read ‘wintergirl’ by laurie halse anderson all the time, ive highlighted sections and marked pages. its like my bible, i take it with me everwhere. i know the purpose of it is to encourage healing and to overce your problems, but i somehow always find a way to make it impact my life negatively. (btw its a beautifully written book, i highly recommend it)
thank you all for caring so much, im glad i shared 🙂
My theories on eating disorders are they’re just another way to punish yourself, as some of us cut, and some of us deny ourselves other emotional needs, like love, by constantly pushing people away. All this comes from the idea burried somewhere, deep inside ourselves, that somehow, we are not good enough, not worthy enough to nourish with food, not worthy of love or not feeling pain.
Well, that’s all bullshit. You ARE good enough for all those things. The twisted idea that you’re not, well I don’t know where it comes from but my guess is in your case, a lot of it is coming from media telling you yr not thin or beautiful enough, just so they can manipulate you into reinforcing a fucked up image of beauty that they sell. I hope you can start to see things from a different perspective sometime. Maybe not right away, but bit by bit.
About your friend… what I mean by ‘what’s really going on’ is, the underlying cause of her ED (it’s rarely ONLY about being thin, usually tied up in all these other things and at the centre of it all, that bastard LOW SELF ESTEEM.) If you tried to talk about it with her and she didn’t want to talk, well… gonna go out on a limb and say this might not be the healthiest relationship for both of you. You are feeding each other’s ED when you should be helping each other… the sicker you get, the sicker she will get and vice versa. Is that what friends are for?
If you love food… really we have so very few simple pleasures in life and it’s a shame to cut that one out. Thankyou for sharing and I wish you good health, even if you don’t think you deserve it, I’m sure many others do.