The Long Dark Road Never Seems To End

  September 28th, 2011 by rugbychick

Well I suppose I should start from the beginning and fill all you in. In May 2010, this guy Alex asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and it was the best realtionship ever! I know that I’m young, and can’t fully understand the concept of love. But I truely believe he was the only one for me. We were best friends before we dated and could talk about anything and everything. We would sit on my porch for hours talking endlessly. Sadly, back in January 2011, after dating for about nine months, i broke things off with him on a sudden impulse. I just had this urge to be by myself. I think I wanted to be able to talk to other guys and all that stuff because my whole year being a freshmen in high school i was with him and felt like i was missing out on seeing other people. so i ended everything with him. i broke his heart over nothing. and sadly, two weeks after breaking up with him i hooked up with my guy friend. Definantly wish i could take that backk. but what suprised me the most was that Alex still was nice to me? he forgave instantly and he knew i was young and was going to make mistakes. i dont think any other guy would have done that for me. he still tried to be my best friend and still wanted to get back together. a lot of me still did too but i just loved the freedom of being alone sometimes. i started to treat him like a *****. i would yell at him and pick fights for no reason. i would say i never loved you.. i would lie and try to embarras him. i think because we were so close, he was just so easy to hurt. i cant explain why i did any of this. i turned to drinking and drugs because i thought it would be “fun”. i didnt realize till this month that im just trying to forget all my problems and my relationship with him. i believe he did the same thing and started drinking for the wrong reasons. one night he threw a party at his house and i brought my “boyfriend” at the time just to shove it in alex’s face that i found someone and he didnt. all i want is for him to come back though. I eventually got a new boyfriend (one different from the party) and he treats me like a princess. i had stopped talking to alex soon after i started dating this new guy. My new guy and i got in trouble with my mom recently and she doesnt want me to see him for a long time. im didnt listen to her and kept seeing him secretly. ever since i got in trouble and kept seeing him in secret i think my depression got worse. every day i have racing thoughts between these two guys. i want alex back but now he has a girlfriend and we’ve talked about being friends again. a part of me wants him to stay with his new girlfriend and be happy because i couldnt bare to hurt him again.. but i want him back because ever since i broke up with him ive been upset and making bad decisions. when we talked for the first time (it had been a month or two) a couple weeks ago, i had never been happier being able to be myself again. i feel like i cant be the same with my current boyfriend, plus my mom doesnt like him right now and family is everything. my relationship with my mom has been worse ever since i started drugs and drinking. i just lie to her about everything and ive been keeping secrets from everyone and its not healthy. i would break up iwith my boyfriend now but.. i dont wanna leave him and be waiting for alex if hes found someone he really likes and me be waitng around for nothing. its not fair to my current boyfriend but i dont wanna break up with him because im waiting on something that could possible never happen again with alex. i cut myself a lot these days when alex ignores me with his girlfriend and sometimes i just get caught up in a world of mixed moods and cut because for a minute im focused on that one thing and feel like no one can hurt or control me but me. this story jumps around a lot because theres so much to tell but im trying to get it all down and there will probably be many more posts like this. i just wanna get on good terms with alex and move on to be happy again. this long road to happiness seems like a long dark road thatll never end. im glad i found this sight because i just need to vent. i have a lot of suicidal thoughts and impulses to hurt myself so hopefully finding new ways to talk things out will help. thanks for reading this long ass story that still cant explain how i feel. deuces.

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