apparently i am on god’s do not call list. for years i’ve battled depression, to no avail. i’m done. i’m almost 40, physically beautiful to many people (except myself), smart to the point where it’s tormenting (it’s a curse), depression is my cancer. i hate my life. it never improves despite numerous attempts at geting “help” — therapy, pills, yoga, you name it, i’ve done it. i’ve talked countless people off the ledge but as far as my pain nobody can ever give me the help i need. tonight, i’ve taken phentermine, alcohol, several red bulls, and 10 hydrocodone. my heart is doing crazy shit. my right arm is numb. i keep nodding off. and i hope i die. if i wake up tomorrow, i’m going to be pissed. thanks for reading.
15 comments
You know, I really hope that you do wake. I feel exactly the same as you (except I haven’t lived as long as you 😛 ) I think that you should keep going. I know It’s not my place to say, but I feel that the world would definitely miss you. We need more beautiful and smart people.
thank you — i hope you find happiness — i really do. your words mean more to me than anything anybody in my life could say right now because, honestly, none of them know how much i hurt. if you’re here, i can only imagine how you must feel. just like me. i’m so sorry you hurt like this. having suffered through this disease all my life, i’ve become a great actress. i’m just so tired of trying. of acting. of embracing comic responses to catastrophe. every life/career/relationship decision i’ve made is wrong, unfun. i’m so sick of praying to nothing for a sign that my life is going to change. i’ve truly done everything i can to change it except end it. sure things get better for awhile. but i always end up here. when is enough enough? i mean, why can’t i trade places with someone who is dying of cancer right now — someone who wants to live… who has children and a husband/wife relying on them? why? they deserve to live because they want to. i don’t want to be here anymore. i don’t. it’s so unfair. somewhere someone is praying to live and i just want to die. i wish i could give them my life. i am a waste of life.
I so hear you edicious. I am 46, treatment resistant depression most of my life. I can’t leave because I’ve still got underage children and am a single mum. I have to keep going, I wish I was in your position.
I know all about wishing to die someone else’s death. There is a lady in my congregation who has advanced cervical cancer, and she so optimistic and full of hope and life, and wants to live, and I pray every day that I could take over her cancer, then my death would be a bit easier for my kids than suicide, and she who wants to live could live.
Just letting you know that I am with you in thoughts, hope you make it through alive – on one hand – on the other hand I accept that you don’t want to come through, and I sort of envy you.
Just letting you know you are not alone.
Also, I understand about being very smart being a curse. I am also, Mensa member, two university degrees etc… but a fat lot of good it’s done me all my life. Scares away all the men, can’t find happiness, and now due to my depression etc I am unemployed, and nobody wants to give me a simple job because I am overqualified, and I cannot take on a professional job, because my mental illnesses have shot my ability to concentrate.
All the best, whatever that may be for you. Peace!
thank you so much for writing — i can relate to your post so much. so, so much. the intelligence DEFINITELY scares all the men away. i’ve actually had some tell me i’m too smart. wtf? isn’t it so crazy how we envy one another’s position? i wish i had a child, only because taking care of others is usually the only way i can get myself out of a funk. i’m much better at caring for others than myself. now i’ve wasted so much time in loveless, destructive relationships, i doubt i can even have kids. a) i’m getting too old and b) i’ve abused my body so much overdieting, overexercising, taking all these god forsaken anti-depressants and diet pills along with illicit drugs trying to numb the pain. trying to be perfect and yet knowing perfection is the only thing in life i can’t have… the internal battle. overthinking. overthinking. basically i’ve given up hope of ever getting married. who wants to marry someone negative and depressed like me? i can only act so much! i push people away, then draw them back in. i’m toxic. that poor woman in your congregation! I wish i could give her my life too. someone like that doesn’t deserve the cards she was dealt. neither do we, i suppose. this damn depression. it’s my cancer. i just wish it would take my life for me and i didn’t have to be such an active participant. thank you for writing, truly. it helps. i’m feeling more alert now, was nodding there for a spell, it is giving me peace to know i am not alone. thank you.
I am always here to talk. You can also write me on geli at bigpond dot net dot au.
Yeah, we wish to be in each others place. I don’t really wish I didn’t have my kids, I love them two much for that, but if I it wasn’t for them I would have the freedom to commit suicide, and I would already be long gone. Alas, it’s not to be.
I was married twice, my first husband was the children’s father, and psychologically and sexually abuse me (hence my name). The second one tried to be controlling as well, increasingly, I guess as again he felt threatened by my intelligence. I did not allow the abuse this time, but the price was of course that he left me (while I was in a psych hospital). Now I am content to be single again, too scared to even entertain the thought of a man in my life.
As I said, I am always happy to talk – my IRL name is Angelika and I live in Australia
that’s geli-p at bigpond dot net dot au, sorry
Thank you so much again. I’m sad to say that I am here and awake. I must have the tolerance of Keith Richards.! I’m so sorry for the abuse you endured. I, too, know the sting of it. I’ve made great strides to move past it, but it always creeps back up, taps me on the shoulder and hits me over the head when things get bad like this. Probably the worse incident of the abuse was with an ex-BF. He basically attacked me one day because I stood up for myself. I’ll admit, I’m not fun to argue with. My wit is quick. It tends to really make people lash out. I don’t verbally abuse, I just have a knack to say one or two words that stop people dead in their tracks. Nowadays, I don’t say a word during an argument because I do believe every man WILL hit you. Anyway, that day, I remember I thought I was going to die because of this jerk. And, to add insult to injury, it was my birthday. So now, every birthday I have I am reminded of that incident. Ugh. Nice life. I’m always here for you too girl. Thank you for being here for me.
You may not be, but I am glad youre still around. First thing I did this morning to scroll down check if there is another message from you 🙂
Just had a very rude awakening too, my younger son came home from his bike ride and told me he got hit by a car. Fortunatelly only a few grazes and bruises and a bit of damage to his bike. Kinda puts things into perspective, now I am glad for you and him.
My abuse was mainly psychological, my husband was very controlling, but he never hit me. I endured 11 years of that. That’s how long it took me to work out that it’s not ok. No external scars, but the scars on my soul will last forever.
But I promise myself today will be a good day. I am seeing my psychiatrist today, and I want to change a few things drastically. Let’s see….
PS: regarding nice birthday memories: my second husband left me on my birthday earlier this year. He too as I mentioned earlier had started to try to controll me, only this time I asserted my boundaries, well, that was the result. I am glad now though he is out of my life, I am better off without him. And I fell good about not letting the abuse happen again. But talk about a nice birthday present. 😉
Travel well, talk any time.
I’m so glad to see that you’re still around! Keep going, stay strong and i’m sure that one day you’ll find someone who respects you for who you are! There are plenty of men out there who like intelligent women, they’re just hiding… But believe me, if I find one, I’ll send him your way
So hard being a woman and intelligent… so many people just can’t fathom the concept of a WOMAN being attractive AND smart! But stick around… we need each other. I envy men who have mateship – they just have a really big scrap and punch each other in the face and then go get a beer together! Women need a mateship… coffee and scones at my place for anyone in sydney!
Intelligence is not a curse even if the world tells you that. It’s a gift – your insight showed me something new, it was a gift to me so thankyou.
Hi one_day, I am from Perth, a bit too far for coffee and scones 🙁 but welt least we are on the same continent.
I agree with everything you say.
Hey, I am from perth but left in 1999! will be back next month for cousin’s wedding! Let’s do it – I do love a good scone. wanna be my plus 1 at my cousins’ crazy bhuddist chinese wedding 🙂 Bhuddist weddings… hilarious… bunch of chinese people drinking expensive XO, but watering it down because they don’t like the taste!!!
Sounds great!!!! Look earlier in the post for my email, and let me know when you are here.