My best friend shot herself almost six months ago. Ever since her death, nothing in my life has been the same, no matter how much I try. She was the best friend I ever had and the only one who I could talk to about anything and tell all my secrets too. I don’t have anyone like that anymore. In fact, I don’t have any friends anymore. After my friend committed suicide, all my other friends at college (who didn’t know her), started pulling away from me. I felt like I had some kind of contagious disease that everyone was trying not to catch. The girls in my sorority completely pushed me out. When my grandma had passed away last year, they were very supportive, but somehow this was all different. I didn’t intentionally push anyone away from me. Yes I was stressed. No I was not going to go to the college parties like everyone else. Everytime I drink I have a complete break down. I tried to hang out with people but I think they felt like it was too much work. They tiptoed over everything they said to make sure it wouldn’t rub me the wrong way. All I wanted was to be treated normally. Needless to say, I dropped out of my sorority, which was the only group of friends I had on this campus. I live in a single apartment, no roommates. My boyfriend lives 4 hours away and he doesn’t understand what it is like for me to be alone all the time. I always say that no one is here for me, and yes emotionally he can be at times, but I need someone to hold me when I cry. I need that physical comfort, which I don’t get from anyone.
I have been a cutter since high school, I am now a senior in college. The last time I cut was about a week after my best friend committed suicide, so I have been doing a good job avoiding it. I saw a counselor for about two months after her death, but I just don’t have the time for it anymore. Being a senior in college is exhausting and I have no me time. The only time that I am happy is when I am with my boyfriend, but I realize I can’t live my life being completely dependent off of that one connection. I need friends again. I can’t keep going on life alone. I have no one to talk to and it all just builds up inside. I am on the verge of a complete meltdown and I don’t know what to do anymore. NO one understands. Losing someone to suicide is something that people don’t understand unless they actually experience it.
Everyday it gets harder and harder and I get strong feelings of wondering “Why?” I don’t see a point to my life anymore. I feel like no one needs me and that if I wasn’t here…it wouldn’t even matter. I don’t know what to do annymore….
5 comments
I’m sorry for your loss. I suspect the college friends pulled away because they had no idea how to help, they felt powerless in the presence of your pain over your friend. People react really strange when they are feeling fear and I think thats what they felt around you. They might say the wrong thing and you kill ypourself, they are just afraid.
Try joining some other groups on campus, you might also seeking out some Suicide Survivors Support groups.
It’s weird. I have a friend who means the world to me and I play the situation out in my head over and over again, wondering what the effect on her would be if I did commit suicide. Maybe I’ll keep your story in mind before I don anything stupid and ruin somebody else’s life. I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I may not completely understand anything, but feel free to email me if you’d like to talk about anything really. jasminetrac@yahoo.com
Hope things get better!
This is eerily similar to my own situation. My friend committed suicide and then I went away to university and had no one. The only person I was comfortable with was my girlfriend who lived 3 hours away, and, like you, I needed someone who was literally THERE for me.
I know how tough it is for you, and I don’t have any wonderful advice of how to fix it all, since I’m still struggling with it all. But just try to keep your spirits up as much as possible. Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out. I don’t really believe in pre-determined fate or whatever (although there is some interesting science behind that possibility with light seemingly reacting to future events), but good things happen sometimes. Nothing will bring your friend back or make it okay and I know that’s the worst feeling in the world, but I think we just have to try to live in the honour of the ones we’ve lost. Something like that I guess.
please don’t get the idea that suicide is your only option. think about it- you are struggling this much because your best friend committed suicide. you yourself know how much pain and agony suicide will bring to those around you. although you have stated that you have no close friends, how will your boyfriend feel? your family? trust me, there has to be somebody out there who loves you. if you kill yourself, you will be inflicting this same pain you are feeling on the people that love you. then what will they do? kill themselves? and will this cycle of death just go on? you are strong and you will make it through. please stay alive <3
It sounds like you really have your head on straight – you know what you need, you know you can’t be totally depend on someone else but you also recognise your need for support from someone who can be physically there… Your sorrority friends can’t deal and I’m sorry they’re not very supportive but I hope you don’t take that personally.
Sounds like college is getting in the way of your sanity. You have your whole life to work, study, whatever, but you really need to take care of yourself first. Maybe defer college for a semester or two, if that’s the only way you can keep talking to your councillor. But councilling is really important, don’t neglect yourself. College will always be there.