I have no idea what I wish to accomplish.

  October 28th, 2011 by wereone

This is my first time posting on Suicide Project. I’ve been reading through quite a few posts and I don’t know if I fit in here- I’m not a kid or a poet, but I’ll give it a shot. What do I have to lose, right?

I’ve been suicidal for seven months now. I’ve tried killing myself four times. Once cutting my wrists, twice with pills and once with a sleeping pill/bag over head combo. Obviously they didn’t take.  I’ve been researching different methods, I read Final Exit and I’ve begun getting rid of my possessions and saving up enough money so my roommate can pay rent until the lease is up when I go.  I think that means I’m pretty serious about ending it, particularly because I’ve taken precautions to avoid any suspicion that I want to off myself.  I’m not looking for attention, or redemption- I just want to die.

The one person who does know what I’m up to is my ex, the catalyst (but not the only reason) for my current state of mind. I kept it secret for 6 months before revealing myself to him while I was having a panic attack. I regret this deeply. I had it in my mind that I would call him before I killed myself, chat with him casually one last time and then die with his voice being the last I heard. Now I know I can’t do that, as calling him would rouse his suspicions, ruin my moment and potentially foil my attempt.

I think of killing myself literally every day. Sometimes for hours. I want the end to be perfect. I wanted to be able to hear his voice- the voice of the only person who had ever loved me. Now I’ll just die alone.

Processing your request, Please wait....