This is my first time posting on Suicide Project. I’ve been reading through quite a few posts and I don’t know if I fit in here- I’m not a kid or a poet, but I’ll give it a shot. What do I have to lose, right?
I’ve been suicidal for seven months now. I’ve tried killing myself four times. Once cutting my wrists, twice with pills and once with a sleeping pill/bag over head combo. Obviously they didn’t take.  I’ve been researching different methods, I read Final Exit and I’ve begun getting rid of my possessions and saving up enough money so my roommate can pay rent until the lease is up when I go.  I think that means I’m pretty serious about ending it, particularly because I’ve taken precautions to avoid any suspicion that I want to off myself.  I’m not looking for attention, or redemption- I just want to die.
The one person who does know what I’m up to is my ex, the catalyst (but not the only reason) for my current state of mind. I kept it secret for 6 months before revealing myself to him while I was having a panic attack. I regret this deeply. I had it in my mind that I would call him before I killed myself, chat with him casually one last time and then die with his voice being the last I heard. Now I know I can’t do that, as calling him would rouse his suspicions, ruin my moment and potentially foil my attempt.
I think of killing myself literally every day. Sometimes for hours. I want the end to be perfect. I wanted to be able to hear his voice- the voice of the only person who had ever loved me. Now I’ll just die alone.
4 comments
I understand the pain… but just understanding is not enough to save a life. I’ll die.. someday… soon, and he doesn’t even care.
Lile Umbra, I feel suicide is inevitable for me. As well, the ex won’t care. I doubt he’ll think twice about it. I’m like a tool whose purpose is outlived…tossed away and forgotten.
I don’t understand… I wish he didn’t care, don’t you see? Then it would be easier to die. I don’t want him to care. I want him to abandon me utterly. I’ve tried being cruel to him, but it’s difficult. His anger is always so hasty and quick to fade that even if I ruined his life, broke him up with his girlfriend, he would still care for me. If only he could love me, then maybe death wouldn’t feel so necessary.
The most painful thing in this world is loneliness caused by abandonment. It hurts to know that my existence is not needed. The pain of merely being alive. You are lucky that he would still care for you even after doing all those things to him. What did I do? “Snapped”… or so he claims……..