I’m contemplating it.

October 20th, 2011by todie2

For the first time in my life, I’m seriously considering ending it all.
We all have these periodic feelings after something bad happens, but this feels real.
I don’t see a half-decent future in my life, immediate and long-term. Not career-wise and not socially-wise.

I feel like if there is a god, he is doing his mighty best to fuck me over, and I’m not sure I’ve done anything to deserve that.

I’m writing this now because a couple of hours ago I received news that basically shut the door on what I considered my only escape route out of this life while still staying alive. It’s an escape route that would have at least given me hope, the belief that I’m headed in the direction of something better. Call it a job offer abroad as it offers similar incentives – complete overhaul in lifestyle, new people, new places. A fresh start. It’s not really a job offer, but I won’t disclose the details. But it’s better than this life.

This life, in which I’m a glorified bug – largely unnoticed, just wandering around with no future and no purpose, practicing a pathetic routine every day.

Now I just want to end it.
I don’t believe in living for the sake of living. Life has to be more than just being alive, and if you’re miserable for years and have lost all hope of that changing, then what good is it?

I don’t really know what to do, guess I just had to unload this shit.

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