money and my life

this is my third time visits here and pretty glad that there’s some space that I could talk about how I really have been so far…

it’s not suicide note, more like,,,life journal.(yet)

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when I was in school, I knew I am  little different others.

I always having hard time make  new friends and maintaining relationship with anyone.

not just that,,, I had dyslexia, diffuseness of concentrating study unknown physical pains.

 

but all symptoms were goes on  shortly, small, and wasn’t medically recognized,

so I tired to ignore them, and focused on my life.

 

my teenage life was such a mess.

going to school and studying as normal kid was such a burden,

but since not many kids liked to study, I thought it’s just me being lazy.

Due to my symptoms, I recognized as kind but weird kid sometimes at school,

and showing people that i’m doing alright at school was became big deal for me.

 

so when I was 22, I finally entered a great uni, everything was looked going well,

but inside of me was so terrified with feelings that something could go really wrong.

 

I got a part time job, but Job gave me first clue.

employees expected me to work certain amount, but there were no way I could finish what they asked for.

in school life, you can do the home works all night then show them later,

but jobs weren’t like that. uni studies too.

 

then I traveled here and there, started to see many people, then also find out

I’m not as happy as others are in general.

till then, smiling was something that I try when I needed to,

but lots of people were genuinely happy and love doing their jobs.

 

unfortunately 3 years ago, my sweet life had ended after I got really sick

and, now im being pushed to end my life because of financial difficulties.

I know if i put myself together I could manage to get out of this but, I have tired over 3 years…

I have suicidal urges from time to time, but I’m sure i’m mentally alright.

 

i couldn’t help but laugh at my situation now because…

all this time I was kidding myself that if I study well at school, make it look alright outside,

my life would turn out safe and ok.

 

I have visited over 20 doctors with this disease, but none of them had answer to fix this.

i can’t find a root of what is wrong, and in the mean time, i can’t afford my rent, food, anymore.

all situations are pushing me to kill myself and get over this.

 

and admitting the fact that I’m someone who’s wasting money that my parents worked hard for,

is just horrible. and unfair.

 

if there’s a such thing as ‘god’

I can’t believe he made me to solve this unsolvable questions through whole my life.

I know ending would be miserable and painful,

but I don’t think it would be worse that what I’m having now.

and if my next life turn miserable again,

how terrible person he is!

frankly if he gives me choice of later life, I would to choose not to be born.

 

I have not done anything wrong, and even if i did, it would all because of this stupid disease that i’ve been having.

I already pass the stage thinking of what would people think about me after i’m gone,

All I care now is how can I get the job done right and fast.

 

I hate that I still don’t have guts…and writing this unnecessary journals here.

guess I just wanted to prove some people that even you don’t born with medically recognized disease,

life can go really wrong, and it’s not our fault.