Ready

  October 17th, 2011 by floxed

I am 34 years old, and I am dying one tiny slice at a time.

I have a medical condition which medical science won’t even acknowledge. Why? Because those are the bastards that caused me to slowly lose control over my body, with pain and slow degeneration of my brain.

Do not ever take levaquin, cipro, avelox, or any other quinolone. It will be the worst thing you have ever done in your life.

I sit here and agonizing pain in my legs keeps coming and going. I have no strength in my back and little in my arms. I can barely string two words together verbally (I can type fine) or remember really what happened yesterday. Work is so much harder than it used to be.

I just clumsily burned dinner when I dropped a piece of plastic into the pot and then clumsily broke a cabinet door thirty seconds later. My wife won’t answer her phone. She won’t help with dinner or with the kids or with the bills she promised to pay because I did dinner. She’s off playing tennis and she never answers her phone from anyone. And now she wants to buy a better phone, lol, I wonder what for? I hate her, fully loathe her, her laziness, I have hated her for years and now it is far far too late to do anything about it. I gave the best years of my life and sacrificed my ambitions to keep her from having to go back to the third world craphole she came from. I put her through college and grad school. I put up with her job that she insists has to be fifty miles away so that she can’t take care of the kids. I put up with her lack of sex drive, her cold demeanor, her stolid incurious indifference to anything in the world except american idol and and dancing with the stars. I hate her screaming impatience with anything not up to her standards while she won’t do anything for herself. I hate having to defend my children from her passive aggressive (and aggressive aggressive) rages. And now it’s too late to do anything at all about this. I don’t have the strength.

I’m supposed to be picking up the kids from after school. I can’t do much of anything with them anymore. I’m just furniture that yells at them to do things I can no longer do. I hate myself even more than I hate my wife. I was athletic, well-educated, had money in the bank, discipline, an a 155 IQ. I have none of that now. My brain is toast. I can barely remember anything anymore. I want to die. I want to die like I a normal person wants to take their next breath. I can’t abandon my children to this monster mother of theirs. I can’t wait for my kids to be grown (only thirteen more years!) and I can finally end it.

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