Hi, i’m back..
I did a post lastnight, about my life story, and my suicide..I can’t doo this anymore, it’s all in one big package, bringing me down. No one’s helping me..
Everyone says,it’ll be good, to get help, but when has anything ever been ‘good’ for me, never has and never will. I don’t see why suicide, can’t be legit..it should be a choice. People don’t understand, they don’t. Because well, it’s not happening to them, if they knew how it feels, they would only understand.
Yeah, I’m 12. I wonder, how can so much pain be in one little girl? It’s crap, I hate it. I don’t want this to go on any more. My best friend, wants to commit suicide, i feel selfish, she wants pain, but i use her pain. on myself. i just want to feel something, to feel anything.. and i use pain as a main source of pain. I hate me, i hate my life, i hate everything, Â I’m scared, to scarred to tell my Mum how I feel, only my bestfriend knows. she’s supported me over everything, and my other bestfriend.. well he’s amazing, he’s saved me. so many times. they’re the only people who care. All the people who mean most, are running away.. they say they’re sick of my crap.. even when i need help.. What Am i coming to? I can’t do this.. I want to cut, so deep..and deep.. and, suicide.. so many days, 24/7. actually. It hurts so much to be me know. why. Why.. Why did i have to be the fastest, sperm. They say find more reasons to live than die. but what happens when, i can only find more reasons to die, than live?
I scare myself. I hate it! I never go out, because i simply don’t have the self esteem, to.i don’t want to be me anymore i thaught i had it lucky when i had the closest friends in the world, the problem is i only have one 🙁 all the others are in a different land.
Thats enough, i’m crying just from this.. someone please help me, i can’t do this!
31 comments
You should seek help..I agree that suicide should be “legit” but a counter argument is that people who want to die are not in a state of mind where they can properly weigh the consequences. Honestly, it’s worth a try getting help. If the help isn’t…well helping? Then you’ve tried everything and it didn’t work out. Just try it out..I was reluctant at first now I’m getting help I’m not sure if it’s a solution for me just yet but it’s nice having someone to talk to and I neve get bored of playing mind games with my psychiatrist ;3
AtTheEnd, the thing is, I know i should seek help, the thing is, i’m simply at the stage were i do not want it. Yes it sounds selfish and cowardly, but i’m 12. I don’t want to feel this pain, it’s been going on for to long, 3 years, and 11 months, these last 11 months have been the toughest, i’m over it, i can’t..i just can’t tell anyone how i feel, i cry thinking about it.
thankyou for helping.. but no one seems to care, so why should you?
Suicide should be legit. But only if your over 25. @i want@ your only 12 year’s old.
Don’t be in any rush. Your life will change in time. I’m not saying ever thing will smell of rose er’s cause it’s not like that. Your have up’s and down’s. I bet you will feel better when you get older?
@I want you to understand…I’m seventeen right now. I’m one those kids who grew up staring out a window wondering why he was alive. My family is great, my life isn’t too bad, but I want to die, I have since I was a little boy my depression just grew as I got older and it became what it is now. I can’t remember when my depression started…there were a few events that convinced me of my own self-hate between the age of 5 and 9. I know how you feel when you say you don’t want help, it’s the same thing I tell my psychologist when she asks me what I want to work on. I give her a shrug and a blank stare and switch the subject to something that i can have fun debating about. I take a lot of meds now a days, sometimes i take more than enough and it helps for a bit but it doesnt help permanently…nothing can take the pain away except help or death ;o
OF COURSE you can’t tell anyone how you feel. Find someone..an adult like a school counselor…I didn’t want to tell anyone..but I started talking to my high school counselor and after a few months she made me get real help since she was too busy with other students and school task to be able to help me.
Why should I care? You should read my post about how I am a jerk…I’m a jerk with a big heart covered thousands of feet of ice…I may be a jerk and careless..I don’t care about myself or you in a way..but I put everyone and anyone before myself. It’s all i can do to make up for my sins and it’s what defines me at my core. :3
lol sorry for the long reponses XD
Dr dolittle, I don’t think it will.. I’m in no rush, I want to get back on track, but somehow, whatever i try, is never good enough..I’m not good enough for anything anymore.
&&
AtTheEnd; I’m sorry to hear, about your life..and everything you’ve been through, and how long it has been going on for you. I’ve tried meds, they just get me tired, and sick. They don’t take the pain away, its only for like 2 hours or so, yeah. I can’t tell no one, no one understands these days. My dad’s not around, my brothers dead, the others hate me. My mum, she has to much on her plate. I’m left alone. Trying to seek help myself, And I don’t want to do it. I’m literally over everything. I hope..i truly help, your life gets back on track.
And… I don’t believe all guys are jerks. They’ve just had to much on, where they can’t be nice anymore, Don’t put yourself down, you may be careless..but if you where, why would you be here, reading my posts, commenting? telling me to seek help. i know, theres a bit of heart in there, you just need to find it, especially for your age.
Lol, sorry for my long response to..Hahaha! :/
Haha don’t be sorry to hear that it doesnt matter what my life has been like lol ;P
What kind of meds have you tried? name some…I’m constantly switching since they can’t find suitable ones for me o:
I could turn this into a one up contest and try and out depress you but…thats pointless right now…you gotta try and find someone. No matter how hard it may be. :c
My life? My life’s not bad I attend a private school full of smart kids..I have college credit to skip half a semester of undergraduate school or a year if i pass all of my college test again. I have an pretty damn good SAT score and people are jealous of how easy writing and math come to me. My lifes great and on track, I just want to die ;o
True depression in my opinion is when you’re life is not even bad and you still just want to die (:
All guys aren’t jerks, some actually are trust me :l
Let me put myself down… D;
I’m here because everyone but me is a priority for myself, I’m only alive because I promised a certain few people I wouldn’t off myself for them..boy they will be mad when I break that promise XD
lol find it for my age? what’s that supposed to mean o.o
Long response is okay o:
I can’t exactly remember what meds. I didn’t look, I just did meds.without thinking. and yeah, true depression is probably where nothings bad, but you want to die thats how i started of, i’m not comfortable in my skin. until stuff started happening, i kept falling deeper and deeper, and i couldn’t clmb out, even if it was something easy to get over.. i just couldn’t maybe i wasn’t trying hard enough to live, or maybe i shouldnt be a live, who knows..just hopefully soon it should be over. Good, keep going in the direction of your dreams, that way you can pursue anything that comes towards you..I wish i was smart..but i’m not, i’m blonde, people call me “dumb blonde” and that i’m not very bright.. i hate it. i just want a good caree, to help my mum. but whatever i do is not ever good enough. I attend a private school too, but i want to go to a public, where what they do, the teachers don’t give a flying crap about, i know many ways to ruin my life.. and thats were it happens, at public schools.
yeah, some guys are jerks..
no, i will not let you put yourself down..you shouldn’t. i bet you’re an amazing guy, and have a wonderful future ahead of you..you’re 17, i’m sure as hell, your mum will be proud.
and, yeah.. i promised people i wouldn’t kill myself..i’m here for them, but if i break that..they will be completely destroyed, even though i’m quite sure, no one cares about me.?
and, i don’t know what it’s suppposed to mean, i mean, i don’t think straight..
and, another long response..sorry. D;
lol shame on you and you doctors! xD
o.o I’m lost it went from true depression to something worse?
You had a nice life and wanted to die?
Little girl stop trying to make me feel better haha…I know what my dream is and it’s not to go to college and live a happy life! That’s what everyone thinks so that they feel happy that I’m not wasting my damn “talents” xD
Blondes aren’t dumb and there’s not really dumb people…some people jsut understand information in a quicker way I guess? o.o
Don’t go to public…you’ll end up like my older brother, 3 years into community college and doesnt know what he’s doing there anymore! Not everyone ends up there but…the public school “mood” makes others lazy and make speople give up before they even try :c
Let me put myself down woman! D;
LOL nah I’m not even close to amazing so please refrain from such comments ;P
My mom is proud…wish she’d leave me alone and stop touching me o.e…human contact sickens me..ahaha xD
They would care o.o…
I have one person who wont quit…shes annoying as hell on this matter -.-
If i cut she cuts..if i die she dies ya see how difficult it can make life?
And no it’s not a romance! It’s a friend who just wont leave me alone :l
HAHA I win logn response!
Haha yeah shame on me.
andd, yeah i had a nice life and wanted to die, well wasnt exactly nice, but my dad wasn’t doing the stuff he was doing as bad as it is now, he triggered it.
I will make you feel better aha, i don’t like seeing people upset or putting themselves down, i only like doing that myself. and, well whatever your dream is, pursue it, and follow the direction of your dreams, don’t let anyone bring you down, it’s your life, your dreams.
and..yeah.. but, i feel dumb, like i can’t concentrate whatever i do.. it’s crap, i hate it.
But my private school is shit, everyones so up themselve and bitchy, like they’re A+ and, i’m here on c’s. And, Yeah, people give up before they try. But i’ve tried, and decieded to give up, Is it selfish and cowardly, to commmit on christmas or my birthday..? that was my plan, my last goodbye.
and, no, I will not let you put yourself down, Har har deal with it. 🙂
Everyones unique and amazing in there own way, so let my comments roll in.
Yeah, you have a supporting mum..and human contact… aha, INCEST;)
they wouldn’t care..trust me..
and, ouch, yeah my bestfriend said that whatever i do they will do.How sad shes going to get…
I fink someone has a crush on you.
And, I win long response too!
o.o I sorry.
Hypocrite! Don’t put yourself down and not let me put myself down!
Haha don’t say that because you don’t know what my dream is and now it’s not to suicide..it’s a much better dream than death
Hurm…maybe you have Attention Deficit Disorder? or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?
I’m not an A+…I’m a lazy kind of smart…lol xD
WELL NO don’t give up blondie.
Christmas would be mean…it would ruin the holiday for your family
Your birthday seems okay to me since it would make it easier to remember your death day and birthday? Ive always considered dying on my birthday a good day to die.
Btw gross…
Yes how sad she will be..
I haven’t written much cuz I’m sleepy ish and yeah it’s early.
Yeah i’m a hypocrite, it’s fine me putting myself down, and not letting you, Whats your dream? attention mm..its more, i don’t want to be noticed, just dead. and.. christmas is ruined already, dad did that.
And, yeah i’m planning my birthday and my last goodbyes know..
Yeah shell be sad..:(
and i know she will be..but theres nothing stopping me.
And me either, to upset to write x
My dream?
My dream is to disappear…to erase all trace of my existence
To make it as though I was never here <3…
Right now I'm crying…right before school 20 minutes till I have to head off to my bus stop…Hehe..
Pardon me, I skipped the conversation.
@AtTheEnd; Once you came into existence, your presence cannot be erased 100% from this life so your dream is only possible if EVERYONE you have ever interacted with ceases to exist, including the SP ghosts. I apologize if I burst any bubbles.
That’s a dream, I want aswell.
To go, just leave everyone, so they can act like i was never born, or lived.. It’s my dream, always has been since i was 8,
and, don’t cry.. it’s not worth it, i do that every 24/7 and it ends up hurting. Please don’t. Ill be gone soon, my dream will become reality.
@ White-Winged Dove
You haven’t popped my dream bubble..I know it would be impossible…but that dream comforts me…it’s a nice thought
I did not come up with that dream…I was inspired by a fictional character…who in the end was happy and was allowed to disappear. I’m glad we share a dream haha its a nice one
Couldn’t help but cry had a rough morning…it got worse anyway…at least someone came clean today and told me what they thought about me. Why so soon?
Who told you that?
and, no, don’t cry, for me.
and. Tupac is my insperation, smoked weed, got drunk, went to jail, got shot, he was always so strong, and rapped and wrote what he thought.
he’s my idol, i look up to him, 🙁
and.. cause, i want to end it, as soon as i can. doesn’t mean no one else should.
Told me what?
I wasn’t crying for you (sorry if that sounds mean)
o.o I don’t have an idol..I don’t think I do
And that’s some hypocritical logical right there
I said, no don’t cry, for me, meaning stop crying for me. ha, but k.
and, I do.. Tupac <33
and yeah..
Sadly…this week isn’t going well
I took the last 7 or 8 anti-depressants and cut myself on Tuesday morning and left for school.
Haha sorry? I ignored the commas
It’s nice talking to you sorta haha
That and a friend at school has been…
Worrying more and more and makes me talk to her now o.e..
I hate human contact but it’s nice having a friend I can tell some things to
I haven’t cried anymore since Monday so don’t worry
Brothers friends are teasing me, tried to commit again tonight.
my weeks not going well either.
and, yeah i’m cutting again to.
Haha.and aw..
My weeks getting more hectic with college applications…
I’m rushing around to fill applications then normal school work
Plus the senior project…sigh
It’s getting harder to find your comments :/
You should email me? If you want..
I’m sorry they are teasing you..
I know how it feels to be teased and I’ve been the bully before
Yeah, it’s harder to find your comments as well,
and, ill email you, if it’s easier on you ..
and eh, i don’t care if they do or not, it’s a good excuse to end it all .
and, i hope you find a good college .:)
and good luck on your senior project .
A very tough thing to do inded
Yeah it would be a bit easier but only if you want to.
You shouldn’t need an excuse to die.
When someone asks you why you want to die
You shouldn’t have excuses to justify it.
If someone asks me why I want to die
I tell them it’s because I just don’t enjoy living
Life’s good but I want to die, plain and simple.
I hope i GET into a good college…
Sorry, for the late reply.
And yeah, chat me up with your emial .
Exactly. No excuse to die, should be a legit choice.
and, I hope you do too . Good luck .
Haha it’s okay!
You can just click on my name and it will take you to my profile and should show my email but it’s natttyyy23@gmail.com
Yeah that’s why I should be allowed to die 🙂
I think I’m going to overdose on my new meds once I’m on winter break. Might be fun being in the hospital. I do love the smell of hospitals and yeah haha. I don’t really have much holding me back anymore. My older brother would understand since my immediate family became privy to my problems when my counselor made me come clean to my mom and my mom told anyone she could. My little brother is young enough to not be hurt too much and yeah. Friends are nonexistent so I think that’s my cue. No excuses, no anchors, nothing.
Okay, wait.you’re a guy or girl? haha.
And If it makes you happy, I know theres no way I can stop you.. But ill be praying for you..
I’m a cute little boy LOL
Yes I’m a boy xD
Does it matter?
And thanks heh
Haha (:
no worries.
How was your week ?
It was a week.
And okay
How was yours?
Shieet.
That sucks..
I know how ya feel.
Email me, your slow at emailing.. T.T