It never lasts

I keep dreaming about blood. It could have been a bigger cut, than i would have died much faster.
How ironical i am not even lucky enough to die.
Until today i thought  i finally met someone like me. Someone who drinks too much and falls back in the corners when he feels lost among all those people in the room.

I also thought i finally got used to be disappointed.

I can t believe i felt like the happiest person in the morning and now i am completely torn apart.

How easily people get fooled and i told myself a dozen times that i won t trust people. I must say i am pretty amazed with everything what happened. I don t think that anyone met such a good liar. He told me he use to lie, he use to tell people he loves them just like that. But he is going to change. He stared at me and he told me i am different, he hugged me and kissed me in the forehead. He hugged me so hard,that he almost choked me. I enjoyed when he looked at me and smiled, his eyes were glowing. I didn t want to trust him so i never said i liked him back. I guess this is the only right thing i did. Even though he really looked like he cares.
and today he told me i am messed up. He is completely right i guess but he is more messed up than me.

The saddest thing is i had hope. I started to believe that i can really love someone and that person can love me back. How stupid. I don t want this.
I was so foolish to believe that there is someone who can be there for me for more than a month. I don t have a stand against this life force.
I know the reason is pathetic but it s just a push to the edge. I don t think i can make anymore steps. I am going to get drunk very heavily like the last time i tried to kill myself, and i won t feel anything. I ll just watch the blood pouring from my hand and this time there won t be anyone who can find me. I am going to die. I am finally going to die. The only thing i hate is the promise i gave to my mother. I told her i ll be fine. so far this was my best lie ever. I knew it never lasts long enough, the happiness. I ll never be fine.