Today is difficult. Today is just like every other day. I have been suffering from depression for months now, this is not the first time I have felt this way. This is definitely the worst though. I have found the strength to get out of bed and see a counciller, I have found the strength to start going to classes again. I have discovered that everything that I have been going through has greatly affected the people around me, I have been told that my depression is not only hard on me but it is hard on my friends as well.
I have also learned that my boyfriend is having an extremely hard time carrying the weight of sadness that is crushing me. I tell him everything and I never stopped to think it may hurt him to hear all my dark thoughts. Since I became aware of this I have been my old self. I am laughing at things I don’t find funny, I am smiling for no reason even though I don’t want to, I hurt but I don’t show it. I want to sleep all day but instead I try to do things that are productive. I guess the people that I thought would be here for me are unable. It is not their fault. It is just such a letdown. Now I feel that all I can do is pretend nothing is wrong and hope things will brighten up on their own. I’m just so sick of everything.
Another concern I have is finding motivation. Sure, I get out of bed and walk to school every morning but since I have missed so much I have a pile of work to do and absolutely no want to do any of it. How do I sit here with all this homework and not get overwhelmed by the amount of it? How is this supposed to make me feel any better, it doesn’t. It just seems to keep getting worse.
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1 comment
I’ve gone through the same realisation, it really hurts when you realise the people you thought were there for you can’t cope.
I guess recovery, or at least coping will always be a shared effort, between the person suffering, and the person helping.
But I’d reccomend that you try to get help from someone new, someone disconnected from your immediate situation, like a mental coach or a crisis counsellor or something. Maybe call a helpline.
Just because your loved ones can’t or won’t help, doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there who will.
’till I gather up the balls to off myself, I wouldn’t mind “listening” to you venting, if you feel like it you can share your worries at muspelhem (at) hotmail.com.
About the homework, how about trying to find someone in you class to study with? And just take it a little at a time, starting with your favourite subjects?