Last Known Surroundings..

It’s the loneliest feeling in the world – to find yourself just sitting there and not knowing anything or who you are anymore. To have everybody ask how you are, and not really know what to say. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, everything closed. And you aren’t sure whether you’re walking toward something, or if you’re just walking away. I hate what I’ve become to escape what I couldn’t handle being.. and I don’t know whether I was actually getting better, or I was just getting used to the pain.

I realized long ago that way down inside, I’ve always been “yearning” for something. But I didn’t really know what it was until I met Mara (just ignore the cheesiness in that) and once I was with her, despite the general dysfunction I was actually feeling more stable and I found a reason to live; to try and make her happy and be with her forever. But now, well ever since I came back from vacation and everything starting become more clear.. I tried searching for reasons to live, but I don’t really have any.. other than waiting for her. Maybe one day it will be ok again. That’s all I want. I don’t care what it takes. I just want to be ok again and be with her. But, I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it’s just unbearable.. everyone is telling me to move on, forget about her and just let my anger manifest me.. but I don’t have any anger towards her, just depressed about it all.. Only they don’t get it, I love her more than anything else in the world and I won’t just give up, because that means giving up on everything. You know how, when you turn on the tv, and you’re just flipping through channels and you end up spending hours doing nothing and just kind of idle.. that’s how I’ve been these past few months, just idly living.. I have no motivation to really fix myself.. I don’t see a point. Sure it’s no way to live, but I don’t really feel like living anymore.. I know “living for someone” is so cliché and almost stupid, but that’s what I did..  I was living for Mara, but I should’ve treated her like the way I felt and I don’t even know what the hell I was thinking, instead of showing her my love, I just showed her my insanity and my possessiveness.. I feel so stupid and it’s like the harder I tried, the harder I’d fail.

I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember, and at this point, I’m just trying to get through the day without it falling apart. Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my walls crying. I try to honestly imagine the future, but right now it’s as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more, I don’t know if any of it was real at all. The only thing between me and happiness is reality.. Sanity resides in my dreams, because I’m still at least a little happy in them when I dream of Mara. I always think, when I wake up, that it’ll be the same again, but I usually wake up back in my dark place, feeling the misery again. Friends have been telling me they understand and that “it’s okay”. They try to understand, but none of them can possibly know what living like this is like. In the end, music has been my only comforting friend.

I’m hopeless,.. I’m lost and I know this… I’m going nowhere, because I’ve fallen. It wasn’t a suicide attempt; it was an escape from everything awful. When I started to cut, I was finally in control – I made my own pain and I could stop it whenever I wanted to. Physical pain seems to relieve mental anguish. For a brief moment, the pain of cutting is the only thing in my mind, and when that stops and the other comes back, it is weaker. Taking my pills do that too, that sensation of feeling numb and high, but it’s not like cutting. Nothing is like cutting.

Sitting in the dark all alone in the wee hours of the morning gently crying, nobody knows what’s really going on. But how could they? They’re all resting peacefully in their beds awaiting the start of a new day. But for me, it’s different.. there’s no real difference for me.. days pass monotonously, and before I realize it; they’re gone. It’s not how tragically I’ve suffered; if anything it’s how miraculously I’ve lived.

I don’t know when I’ll do it, but it’ll be sometime soon within a years time. I’ve made up my mind.. it’s just.. I’d just like to see her, who knows really. It’s that hopeless romantic in me. There’s just a part of me that just wants to be able to lie back in my bed, close my eyes, and find myself waking up to another chance..I don’t want her to think I would kill myself over her because she’s not worth any emotion at all, and yet I can still say I love her. It’s what she cost me that hurts and nothing can ever replace that.

Above all else, I’d like to spend some time in nature, it’s peaceful and relaxing and when I’m in its surroundings my chaos is.. quiet.