November 28th, 2011 by SunnySideUp


I haven’t written since I came back from Paris, I’ve been busy which has done me some good I guess. I haven’t had much time to sit and allow myself to think until now, it’s been nice in a way being surrounded by friends and not being able to think.. I guess I need multiple people around me all the time so I don’t think and they can help me when I do think. I ended up seeing Mara after 3 months of me going away to Paris and she going off to college.. we had about 30-40 minutes together. When I first saw her she looked different I probably looked different and I felt different.. a little awkward but I thought for the slightest moment I could maybe live with the pain, until about a minute later when we were walking side by side and went into her car… it all came back.. and I realized I still loved her just as much as I did a few months ago, even after finding out all these horrible things. The fact that she was my best friend makes everything harder for me, she’s moved on so it’s not as big of a challenge for her. I feel awful everyday, the only time I don’t is when I’m asleep and I haven’t really slept since Wednesday.. it’s killing me, but I think most people understand the feeling of being an insomniac, it’s pretty euphoric and makes you feel a bit better. Then again. I can’t really think clearly right now, which I guess is a definite plus.. but I’d actually like to write today instead of rant rant rant. I guess my life right now is just a huge mess, I feel like such a cliché right now complaining too. Most people go through hard breaks and are also depressed, why is it that I feel like I’m worse than everyone else? I wish we could all feel each other’s pain so we had a deeper understanding, or better yet, the person who hurts you should feel the pain. It’s just.. I don’t know I feel much worse than I did before I met her.. I’m lower than I’ve been.. and it keeps getting worse.


At this point in time, I think I feel pretty strongly about killing myself, I mean the only reason I didn’t two years ago was because of her.. I guess at the moment I’m waiting.. maybe I’ll wake up someday to another chance. I wish and even pray on that everyday.. I’ve given myself till the start of the new year.. or maybe until my birthday.. a few weeks ago I said one year, but I think that’s waiting too long.. it’s too much to handle. And I don’t even care about the method anymore, I’d be perfectly happy with poison.. as long as I’m through with in the end. When we parted we parted out separate ways yesterday, a surviving part of me died. I can’t find myself anymore..

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