I have no idea what I’m doing…I’m guess I’m just writing this in hopes that someone reads it somewhere so I would have actually told someone. I know when you feel like this you’re supposed to go to someone for help…but I feel like I can’t and am scared to death. My family wouldn’t understand, I don’t think they understand that anything like this even goes on. My cousin told his dad that he had been thinking of killing himself and they shipped him off to a school with people like him. That’s the farthest thing from what I want. Even though deep down I hope they would just love me and help me out of it with me, I know from past experience that that wouldn’t be the case. This I guess started for me way back in the summer of 6th grade. My aunt had died from cancer that year and all the events that happened there really shook me up. But ill summarize it, basically my mom hated my aunt before her diagnosis and had taught us to do the same. It kills me now to realize she succeeded in this. But everything changed when she found out she was dying. I was never religious before this, and I know it sounds silly but I would pray for god to save her every night before I went to bed. Generally sobbing in the process. When she died a year later I lost all fate and became depressed for the first time I could account for. I ultimately detached myself from all my friends in family I had. The process took through 7th grade, that summer I lost my best friend. The girl that stayed around the longest. 8th grade, I started off eating lunch in a bathroom stall all by me then it got to the point later that I stopped eating altogether. After school I would just go home and sleep most nights until morning and a repeat the cycle over and over again. No one really noticed me anymore…I use to be popular, the star athlete, and the smartest kid in school. No one thought anything was wrong but my parents. They wouldn’t talk to me about it though until one day they didn’t want to make me their problem and said they’d send me to Texas if I didn’t stop all the bullshit. This being not talking to them and sleeping. They never tried to help; they would just send me away. I decided that high school was where I’d turn it around but soon I feel into the same pattern again. BUT this time I pretended to my parents that I was okay and people at school and teachers that I was okay. By sophomore year I was pretending to myself that I was okay…. I spend hours thinking up lives where I am a different person. I am finally who I wished I could be…but in my mind I started to think I was that person. But all it was is an ongoing play in my head of events that would never happen. Amazing things that would happen to me, college, great relationships, and a life I would have until I died an old women. I wonder if that makes any sense at all. For the longest time I have denied to myself that there was anything wrong. I thought I had gotten better and was over with all the stuff that happened to me in middle school and being depressed. But I’m not. I don’t want to live in this make believe life where everything is perfect cause it’s not actually my life. I’m not even close to whom I want to be and seem forever away if I try. I can’t even imagine myself having a real life future. It just seems impossible for me to get past this and I don’t know want I might do. I know I should tell someone but I don’t want anyone to know I feel this away. My family’s perfect. Sisters perfect. And me? Their flaw? They wouldn’t want anyone to know about it either and if I told them I feel they wouldn’t even recognize it as something wrong cause anyone finding out would be the death of them. It’s been around 5 years, a junior now and I still feel the same way I did in 7th grade. For the reasons I said I have never gotten help so nothing has gotten better. I hope someone read this jumbled up organizational mess that probably made no sense at all because I need help. I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid with how I’ve been feeling lately what I might. Every day it comes up, like how I could just accelerate in my car and run into whatever and have all this suffering to be over. Every day I entertain thoughts just like these and it freaks me out how I’m seriously considering it now.
But this right here…this is me trying to fight for my life and get help the only way I know how right now. I don’t want to die, I want to live but, not if it’s going to be like this any longer. I’m dead if nothing changes. I need help. If anyone here could give me any advice of ANYTHING really, id owes my life to you. Thank you.
6 comments
If you want to live, then live. And I don’t mean not kill yourself (well that as well), but rather live life the way you want to. Take the necessary steps to work towards the dream life that you say you always play out in your head. Obviously it won’t happen overnight, and it probably never will be exactly as you want, but just do everything in your power to be the person that you want to be. With 7 billion people on this planet, there’s bound to be a lot of others that will share the same ideas as you, and you’ll eventually run into them, and they’ll love and appreciate you.
I’d recommend talking to someone about it though. Maybe a sibling you’re close to? I know it can be hard to talk to parents. Any close friends would be more than happy to help as well I’m sure. Just keep going. Try to get help, confide in those closest to you, and keep striving for the life you want. You said it yourself, you want to live. Never forget that.
Thanks for reading that, i know it was all jumbled. I’m going to try talking to someone I just don’t know who would be the right person. My sisters I feel wouldn’t know what to do and act like I was strange or something, also probably think I was kidding cause I’m and have been recently very good at hiding it. Plus I don’t seem like a person that would ever think of anything like this you know? My life looks perfect. And also…is it wrong that i still hold a little resisentment toward my family and friends the first time around way back when, when it was plain as day obvious? I thought id try hear first cause i couldnt think of anybody that i could tell that would understand and do/say the right things to me about it. You said just the right words for me thankyou:)
Yeah, it can be hard to find someone to open up to. You can email me if you want to talk, but I just think usually it is better to talk with someone you know, and more importantly someone who is there with you.
As for your sisters not believing it, I think if you’re really honest with them they will. Good luck.
You shouldn’t feel alone in dreaming about how life could or even should be better. Everyone does, just look at tv, movies, books we all wish we could have something different or something more. We all want a storybook life. That’s just human nature, there isn’t anything wrong with that or anything wrong with you for wanting it. I think you worry to much about things being “perfect” perfection doesn’t exist not in this life, if you are chasing after perfection you will always only find disappointment. It is not wrong for you to feel resentment towards your parents, it is their responsibility to take care of you and obviously they have failed at that. 7th grade so you would have been like 13 when things got really bad, and the best solution they could come up with was to threaten to send you away? You were a problem in their “perfect” lives so they would ship you off to someone else to fix you, thats horrible. Anyway no matter how isolated or alone you might feel there are always people out there that think and feel just like you do, they can relate and they can empathize. thank god we have the internet it makes it easy to find people to talk to 🙂
kingjericho300@gmail.com That is a constant line to me, my emails come to my phone and I will almost always be available for you, and anyone else. Well that is if I do not take my own life, which I am struggling with. Hope this helps.
You sound a bit like me. Im young, and almost have a perfect life. But it has so many flaws, which i hide and just smile to cover up. My family is loving but if they found out how i have been feeling over the last couple of years, they’d probably send me away to some place for “special people”. I try to fit in at school, i try to be like every other girl, not an original/myself. But when i get home, my smile disappears, and i turn back to being the real me. The original, plain, boring me. I have ideas in my head of what i want to be when i grow up. And what my last name will be if i marry. And what i will name my kids, and where i will live. Even though i think about all of that, something else comes to my mind. All the time. Suicide.