this isn’t working anymore

I don’t know how to make it better I don’t know how to stop these feelings from always coming back.  Sometime’s it feels like I can banish them to the far regions of my mind but slowly they creep back.  It was always so easy for my parents to believe I was bad that I was acting out and drinking because I was just a screw up.  There was so many time’s I wished I could go to them.  The belief that parents will always be there to love and support you is a farce.  And when they desert you it seems that everyone else isn’t far behind.

I don’t know what there is left for me anymore I don’t know what has kept me here even after I tried to kill myself.  Some say i’m lucky…I don’t think luck has anything to do with it.  If there had been any luck at all I would be dead and buried.  If there is a God I wish he had taken some pity on me and just let the pills work let them poison my system and take me away from here.  I’m trapped my body and mind are my own prison.  I wish they hadn’t taken me to the hospital I wish they had left me on the floor to die.  That’s what I wanted not this.

Everyone acts like they understand like it’s just going to take time…well i’ve had time and it hasn’t healed a damned thing!

Growing up when the chaos of my parents marriage poisoned our home I can remember only wishing that one day I would come to understand love to find someone who would love me unconditionally.   I wish then I had understood how naive my wish was.          In my pursuit of love I only found disappointment, violence, emptyness, and sadness.  Rape, assault, and tragedy have been my only experiences with “love.”  There are so many painful memories I had tried to drown in alcohol had try to bury them deep, but like all monsters they just keep coming back to haunt me.