November 18th, 2011 by Butterz

Ok.. well I’m not sure why I am here. I don’t know if I just want to be around peopke who relate, or some one to point out the wonderful reasons I have to live without knowing me. Maybe I want somebody to get to know me. I’m not sure. Its been almost 3 years since my last failed attempt. My family concluded it was due to my drug addiction wich I guess is easier for them than seeing whatever this darkness is invoked my addiction. Anyways since I had my last attempt I escaped the drugs n alcohol. Got a career and married a lovely girl. Cool right? Nope. I’m still plagued. I try to be open and expressive with my wife but her way to relate is to discuss how mean and hurtful I am. Now I already want to die so remind what a piece of crap I am. So now I am plotting. I already want death and now I cause deep pain to this girl. I’m waiting to get approved to buy a pistol. I tried a rifle once but chickend out. So I think I need to take a lot of pills first. To get a zone. I know a guy who shot himself and survived so that scares me. Now he is mentally challenged and deformed. The way people look at him is unbelievable. Like he’s a side show. So I figure I will hang my self as well. Overdose kick out the chair and then bang. I’m so fearful of failing again. At first I just dared death and everbody was amused by it. Like it was funny. I’m fine so lets laugh. Glad you’re over that. Or if I deformed myself than I will be ridiculed… So I don’t know if I want a friend. Or if I just want to talk. Or maybe I’m still scared. All I’m sure of is I want something different and the more it changes the more it stil

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