Anyone else feel this way?

I’m just wondering if maybe anybody else has considered this.
I don’t want to end my life right now. But there was a time when I did. Twice, I came very close. I knew how I was going to do it both times. Neither time did I actually recall changing my mind, but instead realized at some point I’d decided not to. That was three years ago now, and I have not since come so close. But I’ve thought about it.
So here’s what I think-
Once you’ve thought about killing yourself (and I mean really thought about it, like planned it out and made the decision to do it) and something stops you from doing it, whatever that may be, the thought never 100% goes away. You might go weeks, months, or years, and never really think about it. And then you have a really shitty week. Everything feels like it’s going wrong. You get back to that point where life feels too heavy and you just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head, squeeze your eyes closed as tight as they will go and stay there like that forever. And in the middle of the night, there it is again. That thought. “Fuck this. Why am I bothering? I could end this all.” You lay there and turn it over in your mind, and it’s a small comfort. You keep that thought tucked away in the back of your mind. You carry it around, and somehow it helps you get through the days. But you tell nobody, because you don’t want them to take it away. Is there anybody else out there who has felt like this?