Hi,
I havent posted in a while,figured that i would be “fair” and give this DBT therapy a try,and perhaps make it long enough to go one a last trip.
I thought i *might* be able to make it(to the trip at least,certainly not forever) but now things have been snowballing,I keep messing up,and then the final straw came two nights ago. My BF informed me that i was not welcome at his parents house for Xmas this year. The official reason is that they are upset that i contacted his sister when i was feeling really down a few months back,apparently it left a “bad impression” on them. I suspect that the real reason is the fact that he tells them about my depression,cutting,hospitalizations,panic attacks,etc. Of course,the fact that I am from a dysfunctional family of modest means probably never sat well with there wealthy,pedigreed lifestyle,but they had to tolerate it for a few years.
  Anyway,my BF told them that he was spending Xmas with me,but I know he’ll back out and end up spending at least Christmas Eve and part of Christmas with them and figuring that Im ok with a few measly hours on Xmas. He blames me for the whole thing,refuses to give them any responsibility for setting the situation up,and refuses to see that this will be an ongoing thing in future events if he doesnt stand up for me now. They will continue to snub me and force him to reject me until they eventually drive us apart. His only comeback is that he tried to buy me a ticket to go to my mothers for the holiday,and I should have “let the situation cool down.” Yeah,this happened in August,people. This is how they will be.Â
     As I said before my family is scattered,and fractured at best. I cannot and do not want to be near any of them-they all have their own families with them,anyway and it will just make me feel even more like the lonely spinster tagalong relative.
    As for therapy,Im in my last few days,and the regular counselor is on vacation for three of them. In her place,we have this dragon who is so rough with the group,we ended the day today in a confrontation between her and another member.
  So,I’m getting closer to my end,is the bottom line. I just cannot tolerate this time of year as it is,being old and alone.Now its even worse,and as much as i want to make it to Australia in March,I dont think its going to happen. I continue to pray/wish for some accident or tragedy to befall me so that I can die an acceptable death,but its apparent that Im going to have to be the one to do something about it.I just need to get a couple days off,and suck up the courage. I want death so badly…I cant take being alive in this much pain anymore. I dont want to see another birthday.
 Please,if anyone feels like me can send some strength for the inevitable. No well wishers or be happy people,please. i respect your right to offer that some others,but respect my right to not want it.
PS-Any feedback on whether those party kits produce decent balloons?
1 comment
Wish I could send you some.
Have to keep my strength for my own demise next year.
And I respect your wishes.
I’d not recommend the balloons on the party kits because they are rather small for most parties unless you buy them in bulk.
Would probably need enough of them to fill a large space as well.