You know how people say they have their good days and bad? For me it’s like that, but on an hourly basis. Does that make sense? No… for me either. It’s like one moment I feel fine. The next I’m worried. One moment I feel like I can go out there and face the world, the next I’m so scared to step food outside my bedroom door. One moment I’m so guilty with things I’ve done in my life, the next I could care less if the next time I closed my eyes I’d never wake up to see the light of day. I go from calmly accepting my choices and leaving the past behind me to an outburst of pure rage and feeling like digging up the past and just pointing it out the wrongs other people have done to me that led me to making those horrible choices…
`The brief moments I’m in a clear state of mind I understand that the only person responsible for the choices in my life is me. But the anxiety… I feel like I’m in a roller coaster; and the rage I feel is so “strongâ€.  It feels like it’s a presence itself. I’m trying to ignore these thoughts. These voices. The ones that whisper late at night. When you’re more asleep than awake, but awake enough to not be able to hide in sleep. Don’t think that makes sense either. Â
Sorry I’m tired. I’m getting tired of it. The panic attacks. I think they might be affecting more than usual. I’m getting really bad stomach aches. After I eat, the mouth of my stomach cramps up really bad, feels like it’s twisting around. It started last night. It was so bad, I couldn’t even cry because any movement felt like knives going in. It comes and goes. Now the pain has move to the sides.
The anxiety is damaging my body and I’m scared. I’m here alone, the house is quiet, and it’s nine minutes till midnight. It’s like I’m breaking apart and I can’t fix myself. I really want to try. I want to move on. I want to make my family proud. The only person standing in my way is me but I’m so scared. I’m so scared. I don’t want to fail and I wish…
I wish… I wish… to that star across the sky… I wish… I wish that I could fix everything.
12 comments
wow everything you said in this post describes how I am… my thoughts are all over the place through out the day. ‘ keep your head up!
cws971, thanks, i’m trying 2, it’s hard but i know that i’m not alone. is it cruel to say that? finding comfort in people that are going through the same thing and your not alone? but i’m here for them also. Heartless25, thank you, i’m trying, i really am.
fear is what controls our lives but only if you let it… you can get past that fear and once you do you can accomplish anything, if you can admitt your scared then you have the power overcome those fears your strong…
it takes the weight off alittle knowing your not alone. I find comfort when I can relate with other ppl on this site also, im sure we all do in away!
true, but sometimes it can still feel really lonely.
Oh the life of us anxiety sufferers. The panic freaks. The fucking victims really, of our day to day havocs, whatever they may be.
It starts off out of nowhere… you feel fine, actually you feel pretty damn good. And you grin, feeling it: the innate joy– almost, dare I say, pretty fucking normal. Normal. And that’s when it hits you. You panic. You panic because you realize that you don’t want to lose the sensation, the feeling of “normal”. You want to hold on to it, you want to delay it’s departure for a little longer, to see if you can sustain it long enough until it becomes a day to day thing. And the more that you panic, the more that you chase it down, the more it becomes just a memory. The more you realize you’re falling back to the familiar patten of fear, uncertainty, the guilt, that gnaws away at you like fucking arthritis. And just a couple of minutes ago you were just thinking how happy, how normal you felt.
I suffer from PMDD (laugh if you want.) Basically put, two weeks before the flood, the tides come crashing down full force: it’s a hormonal, mental, physical phenomenon where it feels that my body is being possessed. I wish I got cramps and the other normal PMS shit. I get dull throbbing pains all over my joints and muscles, and severe migraines to the point where it’s difficult just looking at something for a long time. Don’t even wanna start with the mental/emotional aspect of it. Besides that, I have generalized anxiety and a couple of demons of my own (everyone’s got a past, it just sucks when it becomes your daily paper). It doesn’t help that it tends to run in my family (the anxiety anyway).
I know what you mean about the anxiety taking control of your life, especially physically. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed that I have unbearable fatigue, and being somewhat of a hypochondriac, I was the first in line to think I had cancer or a tumor. Turns out it’s “all in your head” as the MD’s say. I wish it was. I wish everything was really all just a figment of my imagination and not written all over the walls, all over the remains of what’s happened. Life’s something we can’t change, just manipulate. I still have a hard time taking my own advice, let alone others.
I too wish I could fix everything..
This makes perfect sense to me too. I have good hours nd bad hours everyday too. I can actually relate to everything you wrote. I hope you have a lot of good hours today! (And every day from here on)
Keitel, have you ever gotten either a normal or alternative diagnosis?
Tried yoga, meditation, hypnotherapy, acupuncture/acupressure regular therapy or anything like that.
Because it seems like your biochemistry is making your body react so badly to anxiety. That or people classified as normal are desensitized.
Not saying you have a problem but it seems like their should be a way to modify your physiology so you will not feel so much pain when it happens.
I recommend alternative because they won’t give you the side effect ridden prescriptions or run of the mill things unelss you happen to run into a good person who believes in healing all of you.
Hopefully your good outweighs your bad.
Take care of yourself and try to stay relaxed as much as possible.
u.n. owen: no, i can’t afford to go see a counselor. i don’t think i want to anyways. i haven’t tried any kind of therapy. i use to like to go jog but even that has lost my interest. i don’t even like to write anymore. to be honest it feels like i’m shutting down. i know i have a problem, it’s alright, but i don’t want it to happen at all. i don’t want to treat just the symptoms it causes. i want the anxiety to disapear all together. i know you mean well and thanks for the advice.
thanks everyone, for the support, but i just feel like an organism and my heart is only beating to keep me alive and it doesn’t have another purpose. Doesn’t beat for life, to move on, to love or laugh, it might even detest beating for me since i’m putting so much stress on it. Sorry guys, im trying. I wish you all the best and thanks again.
My stomach feels like it’s constantly being punched..it’s a great feeling. I feel the same about wanting to be well for my family, but I realized setting my thoughts up that way wasn’t helping me and how I was feeling. It was just an added pressure. Perhaps you’re placing guilt on yourself because of the state you’re in…the truth is you can’t do to yourself what so many of us are experiencing…so I would let that go, cause if you fight it, you’re simply creating resistance and that will add to the already uncomfortable stuff going on. Just know in every given moment you’re doing your best and flow with all of it…let the bad come, let the good come, let it all come…allow it. You know your intention is to feel good and be well. That’s what has helped me the most anyway. I go through anger, rage, peace, self-love, anger, rage…it’s going on..it’s not who I’ve always known to be and it’s f’n weird but flowing with it and not judging it as a bad thing helps me stay connected to the guy that feels like me….Good luck!
Everyone knows you’re doing your best…you can just hope for that…it’s all good!
🙂 i hope for that not just for me but for everyone also