Good Hours and Bad

December 8th, 2011by Erisa

You know how people say they have their good days and bad? For me it’s like that, but on an hourly basis. Does that make sense? No… for me either. It’s like one moment I feel fine. The next I’m worried. One moment I feel like I can go out there and face the world, the next I’m so scared to step food outside my bedroom door. One moment I’m so guilty with things I’ve done in my life, the next I could care less if the next time I closed my eyes I’d never wake up to see the light of day. I go from calmly accepting my choices and leaving the past behind me to an outburst of pure rage and feeling like digging up the past and just pointing it out the wrongs other people have done to me that led me to making those horrible choices…

`The brief moments I’m in a clear state of mind I understand that the only person responsible for the choices in my life is me. But the anxiety… I feel like I’m in a roller coaster; and the rage I feel is so “strong”.  It feels like it’s a presence itself. I’m trying to ignore these thoughts. These voices. The ones that whisper late at night. When you’re more asleep than awake, but awake enough to not be able to hide in sleep. Don’t think that makes sense either.  

Sorry I’m tired. I’m getting tired of it. The panic attacks. I think they might be affecting more than usual. I’m getting really bad stomach aches. After I eat, the mouth of my stomach cramps up really bad, feels like it’s twisting around. It started last night. It was so bad, I couldn’t even cry because any movement felt like knives going in. It comes and goes. Now the pain has move to the sides.

The anxiety is damaging my body and I’m scared. I’m here alone, the house is quiet, and it’s nine minutes till midnight. It’s like I’m breaking apart and I can’t fix myself. I really want to try. I want to move on. I want to make my family proud. The only person standing in my way is me but I’m so scared. I’m so scared. I don’t want to fail and I wish…

I wish… I wish… to that star across the sky… I wish… I wish that I could fix everything.

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