I bet I have a mental problem or something.

I don’t particularly think my story is of any significance, nor do I think anything particularly bad has happened to me, but I shall share my story anyway because of the simple fact that I want to.
I shall begin with the fact that I’ve always hated my father, as far back as I can remember he has always annoyed me, with his selfishness, lack of manners and personal space, I swear, if I even began insulting him, I could never stop. People say I have a really good memory but the truth is, I don’t I can’t exactly remember anything before the age of 7, I think something traumatic may have happened to me, I don’t doubt it because I grew up around some pretty suspicious people (Including my father, who is a drug dealer) and if I do remember something it’s only ever a brief flash of something highly insignificant or a feeling of fear and despair.
I vaguely remember being confident as a child, but with my fathers increasing oppression and daily put-downs I developed a self hatred that I can’t shake to this day. People tell me I’m beautiful and compliment me but I can’t accept them, I just awkwardly smile and change the topic because when I see myself, I don’t see a girl who’s worthy of such appraisal, I see a disgusting wretched girl with too many flaws to point out, she’d be lucky to deserve living in a gutter, being abused every day, she’s useless, won’t end up anywhere in life, she’s just consuming valuable resources and taking up valuable space, the world and everyone in it would be so much better without her, all of their lives would be better without having to look after that low piece of shit.
My self hatred, ever escalating, driven by my fathers insults and my own worsened near the end of primary school. the few friends I actually had thought it would be a great idea to run away from me and watched as I tried to find them, because I’m rather slow I couldn’t keep up. So instead I walked to the most desolate part of the school I could find and cried, every recess and every lunch. When I got to high school things started to look up, I got better friends and I started paying less attention to my father but near the end of last year I caught my father cheating on my mum, I love my mum so I immediately told her and she confronted him, but he denied it, over the next few days she found more and more evidence that he had, thousands of dollars worth of phone bills to China, the sheer amount of time he had been spending away from home each day, his moodiness when he comes back, online dating sites, chat sites, web history, he had millions of pictures of his computer of young Asian girls, all of whom look around my age, he’s 53, I’m almost 15,  in case you were wondering.

With finding that information, all of this year has been them literally screaming at each other, my father blaming me for all of it, even my mother hinted at it at some point but at least she apologized when I confronted her, my father either denied it or accepted it and blamed it on me more. So pretty much this whole year I’ve spent crying in my room, listening to their arguments, thinking it was my fault, I didn’t go to school much because I was sick all the time and whenever I did I could never focus properly, I was constantly falling asleep, hiding the fact that I was crying or daydreaming about a world without me. Sometimes my mother wanted to leave, sometimes she wanted my father to leave, sometimes she wanted to forgive him, he wouldn’t even talk about it, he acted like nothing happened, blatantly denying everything, he promised her that he wouldn’t do it again, that he’d lost contact with everyone (There was a lot of them, men and woman) and she forgave him but he never stopped, he just went out for longer, pretty much rubbing it in her face, she had to wash the underwear he came home with covered in cum. After awhile of this, the arguing never stopping my mother threatened suicide, but then she kicked my father out.

That was the best decision she ever made, sure things have been rough since then, with all of the money he was spending on his bitches he never ended up paying our bills, so we’ve been trying to make ends meet. We’re honestly happier with him gone, everyone says I’m coming out of my little introverted shell and both my mum and I smile more now. After all that I don’t think I can even cry anymore. My father still hasn’t given up though. He’s forever texting us and creeping around where we could be, he’s turning into a stalker, but I could care less, at least he’s gone, now I just wish he’s hurry up and die so he can stop corrupting the world with his vile influence.

-Back to the suicide part;
All through these times I’ve wanted to kill myself because of the reasons I mentioned earlier, I hate myself, I’m worthless, useless, nothing, and I had plenty of chances, but I couldn’t even do that. I’m glad I didn’t though because now I have an amazing boyfriend who I love, not to mention my great friends and the good part of my family. <3
This guy’s been changing my views on everything, for the better. I’m so lucky to have him and for anyone who’s reading this I can only hope that you find or have  someone like this to brighten up your life. :3 He compliments me a lot, I still can’t accept them but I’m getting better, I’ve accepted myself for the vile disgusting person I am. But that doesn’t mean others can’t have their own opinions.