Introducing myself to the people I love.

Hello. I have been reading posts from this site for awhile now. Many times I wanted to post something, but I never did, I don’t really know what to say. Sometimes, while reading the posts here,I feel a sense of peace and belonging that I don’t seem to find anywhere else. I fell in love with the people here. I remember a quote I once read somewhere that can better describe the way I feel here than anything I can think of – I love you all, the way you can only love someone who is an echo of yourself at the time of your deepest sorrow.

Today feels like as good of a day as any to introduce my self, and to tell you all, how much some of you have helped me without even knowing.

I am 23, and I have thought about suicide so many times, so often. I don’t know when the thought of suicide became a comforting thought. Knowing that I can end it all helps me get out of my bed in the morning, when nothing else could. I can’t say I like being this way… I don’t know why I became this way… I was never really brave enough to set out and try to kill my self, but I think I came close many times. More times then I can think of, I finished an 8 ball of coke in less than a day mixing it with a few pills of oxy. It never seemed important to stop even when I can barely breath, or when I am soaked in sweat. I think I have an addiction, many addictions actually, but the suicidal thoughts started long before I snorted my first line, or even smoked my first cigarette. I think I started doing drugs as a way to cope with the thoughts screaming in my head, trying to avoid feeling what I feel inside. I can’t identify the cause of why I feel so empty, so lonely, so hurt, so anxious. I can think of so many reasons why I feel this way, but none of which seem like enough reasons for me to want to kill my self.

I don’t want to bore you all with the details of my life, and I can’t think of a way to to really explain why I feel this way. I just wanted to say thank you all for giving me the rare feeling of peace from time to time. I see my self in so many of you, and it is comforting to read some posts, knowing I am not alone, knowing there are people out there that feel the same way. I love you.