I used to be a happy girl that is contented with what I have in life. But not anymore, I’ve actually grown kind of tired living in this horribly morbid world. I have just turned 23, and for the past 22 years or so at least since the day I could remember, I give my best in everything that I do. Yes I admit that sometimes I am lazy and all but when it comes to work I make sure I give it my best.
There is something I never understood though – I offer the best that I can to my family and friends and I give them the most that I can, even if it means sacrificing my own time and activities, why was I never appreciated, and always forgotten? I see people who backstabbed others, was mean, selfish, manipulative of others, they however seem to be always surrounded by people. This doesn’t make any sense to me at all! Isn’t it logical that when one know this person is bad because he/she is mean or selfish, we stay away from that person? Why is the opposite happening on me? I am very confident to say that I have never let my friends down, nor have I ever picked an argument with them. But somehow people just don’t want to approach me given a choice, why? The only flaw I’ve heard of from my friends is that I often worry too much and think too deeply into things which made me a depressed person.
My life was going all well when I joined this company, and in just 2 months working there, I was picked by my superior to travel with the team to the USA to assist in the development of a research project. Life there was good, I got along very well with all my team members, perhaps only except one – she was constantly jealous and unhappy with me because I was getting along very well with my superior and in fact gotten very close. She was always picking on me for every single minute thing I do. Even so, my superior and other team members took care and protected me well. I was very happy living in the states, because I was far away from home – from the problems I could never rid of
— My parents no matter how they deny, everyone could see with their eyes that they play favoritism towards my elder brother over me. He is one of the worst brat I’ve ever met in my life. He has been living in his past and always blaming my parents for turning him what he has become today (which I think is a load of bull, simply because there is nothing wrong with him). And he’ll always bring up the fact that our parents sent us to child care center when we were young which deprived him of his childhood thus turning him into an introvert which explains why no girls are ever attracted to him. Well, I went to the child care too, I see no problem with it. Now, he is using this to get every single thing he wants in life – Car, House, Attention.. etc. When my parents didn’t want to buy him a car, he made a big fuss out of it and attempted suicide saying he don’t see any reason living and left home. Now he’s living in a huge house on his own with our family car. My parents paid for that. WHAT LOGIC IS THERE? On occasions when my parents stopped contacting him because he was NEVER made contactable, he’d come back home and talk to my parents like good friends but shortly after he’ll start ignoring my parents and leave home again. I’m so fucking sick with his shitty attitude. But guess what? Every time my brother comes home, my parents would force me (without even sparing any thought for my feelings) to do what my brother wants (i.e, he wants to head out for dinner, my parents will drag me out and if I insist, they will scold me like I just killed their son and tell me nasty things). My question is – having a son that has hurt them so much more than what I might have did, I have never, ever I swear in my life heard them scolding him before. They are always trying so hard to please him like he’s a king. And if I don’t tag along to do that, they scold me. I tried talking to them about it but they always deny and told me to be mature. And tells me they care for me more than my brother. BULL SHIT. I ain’t 3yr old, I have eyes to see. Everyone else have eyes to see, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM?
— Friends. I am always forgotten by my friends, and realised that I am of no importance to them at all. And I never figured out why. To begin with, I never had much friends. I used to be a very fat girl, back then.. I had friends (at least I thought so). When I lost a tremendous amount of weight, those ‘friends’ started spreading rumors about me going for surgery and making a bad name out of me when actually I was anorexic for a year. With thanks to God, I lost weight on places that should drop while retaining my assets which incurred a lot of jealousy among my friends. Some even stopped hanging out with me, some don’t even look at me when they see me on the streets. While some, spread rumors about me as usual. Nevertheless, I have a few small cliques of friends of which I shall touch on this particular clique. I have known them for going 10years, they did not outcast me for who I am and at that time I thought, it’s the quality and not quantity. I was happy and contented with what I have. Until slowly did I realized that for some odd reasons, I became less and less approachable to them. When I was picked to fly to the states, none of them cared. It was planned that I have to go for a year, but none of them bothered asking or did they say anything about it at all. HOWEVER, another girl in the clique was going to be sent to China for 5 months. Everyone was so hype about it and always talking about it. The USA is nearly one round at the other end of the earth no one cared, China is only a 8hours flight from where I live. When I flew to the states, none of them approached me whether on facebook or MSN to ask about how I have been doing and all. That girl hasn’t even left for China they already set up a group on facebook and said this is where we all can communicate together when she’s in China. Seriously? On the day I flew to the states, they came to send me off, there – they gave me a photo of polaroid we took on the day itself with a short note. Now, they went to print photos, did a scrap book, doing all so much for the other girl. I don’t understand what’s with the different treatment, seriously. I never boasted about my trip because I know one of them is super hype about the states. While that girl has been talking non stop about what China has when she hasn’t even stepped there before, people are listening to her. Why the different treatment?
Also, my birthday happened to fall on the day when I was still in the states, they forgot about my birthday present. Totally. It was only until when I came back and told one of them that I was very disappointed in them for all and all, did they got me a present. If it was the case, I’d rather that I didn’t receive the gift at all. It wasn’t the gift I was bothered, it was where I stand in them.
I made very good friends in the company before I flew to USA, of which even when I was in USA, they accompanied me whenever they can – be in on Facebook, Google+, or Whatsapp. They were always there for me when I needed them despite our vast difference in timezone. However things started to died down after a few months.. and we hardly even talk now. And I found out that one of them has actually gotten a lot closer to some other people which probably explains why the distance drifting apart.
— With that, I told myself I shall live a new life in the states and forget everything back in homeland. But guess what God did to me? There was restructuring in the client’s company and they terminated our project. Now my entire team was sent back home because of the budget cut. With that, we are out of projects and sent fear in everyone. People I am close to are now leaving the company to seek better avenues. I haven’t even had enough happy fun times with them and it’s all ending. Why is God doing this to me?
All my plans are ruined. My plan of living life a new has been disrupted. My whole life is now in a big mess and I don’t know how I’m going to pick these little pieces up and mend them all up. Now that I am back home, I bought so many so many gifts for all my friends, and I spent so much only because I think they deserve it and I want to be nice to people I care for. But now that I’m back for 2 weeks, my gifts are still in the house. None of them bothered to ask for a meet up, some probably even forgot about it. I don’t know what I’m doing so much for. It’s like I’m doing too much for people, it’s not even mutual at all. I feel like a clown, making a fool out of myself. Here I am doing so much for people, I am actually nothing in their eyes.
I want to leave this world behind and start anew but I have no idea what and how I should go about doing it. Sometimes, I wonder if I were to disappear from this world, will they even notice, will they even realize that I’m gone. I doubt they will, I was never ever anything in their eyes. I never understood why everyone can be so happy with their lives, with people who care so much for them, and I don’t. I often reflect on myself, there must be something wrong with me but I never found out what it was. I tried talking to some people but they always tell me there is nothing wrong with me. But it doesn’t explain why people are treating me like invisible air!
1 comment
Hey Ms,
Wow, long and detailed post, im guessing you actually are a smart cookie. I’ve said this again and said it before, more often then not, really smart people get depressed more often because they think so deeply about things. This is both a good thing and not so good thing. At a work level, someone like you would likely be very successful if they find a focus they enjoy doing.
But..you also have to recharge and wind down/turn off when required.
The mind is pretty much like a computer, a storage and processing unit if you will.. You can put bad stuff into and the computer and it doesnt run too well. eg get the most expensive computer and put a virus in it and it wont perform. Likewise if you overfill it’s storage it will also slow down.
In human terms, our thoughts are what is stored in our mind so we have be very careful, we don’t infect our own thoughts with poor quality ones be they our own poor thoughts or other peoples eg when they say something.
Does that make sense?
All that said, sometimes, and maybe often people are jealous of other peoples success, especially when they pick themselves up and chnage their own lives for the better, as you did with getting healthier/losing weight.
As for losing your project funding and job etc, it’s not something God did, rather it’s a global economy, which is seeing millions of people being layed off world wide – you only need read the daily news – Spain, Greece, UK, USA, Australia – Unemployment is rising everywhere due to incompetent governments.
You sound really smart and really quite nice and decent, and it’s just sad people around you are likely so weak and unable to appreciate your success and goodwill because of their own failings. Understand this. That said, be selective in what you do for other people close to you vs trying to do and be everything you can. Do things because you want to do them, not because you expect a thankoyu or some kind of reward. If they can’t appreciate you, the problem is not you, rather it is them.
Just smile and do less for them in the future.
If you ever want to chat, please feel free, you actually sound really decent.
Take care miss. Stay positive and strong over the holidays.