I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s like my oldself escaped somehow. Is that even possible? Or am I still me but its hidden really deep inside. I don’t feel like myself when I’m alone. I don’t even know who I am. Everyone knows that happy girl because that’s the act I put up for people. Or is it..? I wonder and question about my life. A lot. I have family and friends who love me. I still don’t know why I feel so empty, this isn’t the first time. Actually I been feeling like this for a while. Putting up a past on smile and acting its is all natural to me, but when I’m all alone when no one is around they wouldn’t even know that was that happy girl. I. don’t. know. Is all I can say, its in my daily vocabulary saying, because to be honest I don’t really know and if I do I would rather keep it to myself then hurting others because truly my family is the reason why i feel this way. they aren’t terrible. At all. I didn’t even know if I wanted to post this. This post doesn’t even make sense. I understand I guess. I don’t know..
Family And Friends
I have no reason for it. No reason for the pain, guilt, or regret. No reason to complain or whine or say anything bad about my life.
My family are some of the nicest, kindest people on this planet. My friends are always there for me no matter what. I love them all so much and would do anything for them.Â I came from a wealthy home. While I was not given everything, I was given what I needed(and a little extra) and that is not something everyone can say. I’ve had a good education. I wouldn’t say I’m a genius but if I.Q. tests tell you anything I have above average intelligence. I’ve only been bullied once in elementary school but that was all(from what I know). People tell me I’m a talented musician. I play the violin, piano, and ukulele but I am also starting to learn the guitar. I probably have a good career ahead of me too. I am one of the most fortunate people in the world, yet I seem to want to leave it.
It is something I have pondered over for hours a day. Why do I want it to end? It’s a question I still haven’t been able to answer. All I know is it’s always on my mind. It has consumed my life like a black hole. It is always there, following me as I breeze through my life. My smile never reaches my eyes. When I look in the mirror I see nothing but an empty shell with vacant eyes.
Everyday is a fight for me. Should I pick up that bottle of pills? Should I just cut myself with a knife and let myself slowly lull into peace? This never ending battle is draining, but I have always counted on my family and friends to allow me to absorb some energy from them to keep on going.
I’ve tried telling my best friends what was happening, but was only half successful. I got the point across I was depressed but could not tell them to what extent. I was ashamed of myself. I let myself down and them down, I know. I still have not been able to tell my family. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I don’t want someone to be distracted by me and my problems. It doesn’t seem fair for me to put this burden on anyone.
Now I am in college. My family and friends are all gone. I talk to them in short spurts between my classes and their classes. The generic “Hey, hows it going?” with the generic response “Fine”. That is what my friendships with these people, friendships that lasted since elementary school, have become. Our conversations are not of friends, but of acquaintances who happen to pass each other on the street and feel like they have to say hi. It is the same with my family. As my Mom goes on about what has been happening back home, my words of choice are “huh”, “wow”, “ha”, and my favorite, “k”.
I don’t know why I can’t speak with them anymore. Is it the distance? Am I purposefully trying to isolate myself? Is this my unconscious mind trying to get me to feel even more alone than I do already?
What has truly held me back from taking my life has been the guilt. The guilt of leaving my parents, these great, loving people, a body that used to be their son that they loved. The guilt of leaving my friends, the ones that have stood by me most of my life, with an empty spot in the car on vacations. I also did not want anyone to think that what I had done was someone’s fault. As I said before, no one was to blame. There is just me. Me and my mind, daydreaming about dying in the middle of class. Fantasizing about finding the perfect way to die.
To take my mind off of all of this, I had activities to keep myself busy. Either I would call my friends to hangout, read a book, or play a video game. I’m finding it near impossible trying to make friends here at college. None of them have been able to live up to my friends back home, or so I keep telling myself. Whenever there is a social event going on, I never can get the energy or motivation to go, so I am stuck in my dorm room. Shut in from the social world, just sitting on my bed browsing the web. Reading a book was the most helpful during the book, but afterwords everything would hit me twice as hard. While in the middle of a book, I could pretend I WAS the main character. It was me saving people, it was me getting the girl, it was me getting the happy ending. As I finish with the last page of a book I start to feel like my life is even worse. Nothing can compare to a happy ending in a book. Everything seems to work out and everyone has a good, happy life. I realize my life will never be that way, but I still can’t help wanting it. The video games were just something that kept my mind focused. I would sit at a computer for hours and hours playing a game and I would get off forgetting some of the thoughts that were once swimming in my brain.
I’m in college with no friends and no prospects of gaining any. I’ve lost all interest in books. I left my gaming laptop at home and I am not able to play games on this laptop. I cannot find anyone to draw energy from to keep the demons at bay. Any day now they will come crashing through the doors and release the floodgates.
I’m trying. I keep on thinking of everyone I love. Everyone who has meant so much to me. Everyone who has given me something. But it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I am a sinking ship with no lifeboats.
I hope to one day discover the unknown part of me that makes me feel this way, but I fear I may not live long enough to do so. I am sorry for writing so much, but when I started I could no stop. Thank you for reading this. I hope I can come back to this with news of how I may of lost some battles but I won the war and share how I did it to help others. Please do not take this post as another sign that it is hopeless for you. If you are going to take anything away from this, try to find the source of the demons to try and stop the flow. I’m still searching.
/end cheesy story
I made another mistake. Again another mistake. All the stress, disappointment, failure, wasted finances I dont have, problems at work, added to my already deterioratking career, empty Â savings account, disappointed family and friends, car and motorcycle thay need to be rebuilt, jeez the list goes on. Just when you thought it was piled high or you feel youc’re making baby steps toward improvement THEN you get kicked all the way back into a crawl.
I dont get itk? All these other people are so successful, almost with out even trying. While I try my ass off s succeed Â then FALL! I fall twice as far as climbed.
I need an entire new start whetjer that is pulling the trigger or vanishing.
Today I attended the funeral of a family friend, she was 22 years young and she had taken her own life on the 8th of august. I didn’t know her very well, but anyone could see she was very naturally beautiful with a contagious smile and an infectious laugh.
She was well known and well loved by so many people, all I’ve heard is how amazing she is, how she was free-spirited, selfless, caring and kind. I heard how much she loved people, music and how devoted she was to her family and friends.
I heard she was a beautiful, bubbly, spiritual and loving young girl with everything to live for. I heard all of these lovely things and found myself feeling heartbroken wondering why someone so nice and loving felt like she couldn’t live in this cruel world anymore.
I felt heartbroken because she wasn’t here to see or hear all the people who loved her and thought the world of her coming together to celebrate the girl that thoroughly and geniunley enriched so many lives.
During the service I looked around, and the largest cathedral in the UK was full. Full of family and friends from all walks of life, and it was hard not to feel touched by it all. Her sister and two best friends spoke at the service, their tributes were heartwarming as they were long, I was beside myself as a single balloon floated to the top of the cathedral and hovered over the room full of people.
I’m not big on the whole spiritual thing but even I must say you could feel her in there with all of us.
Today saved me, she’s an inspiration, a force of nature and now I have hope in my heart. Although this was such a heartbreaking and tragic thing, even in death she continues to inspire and touch the hearts of people around her. She’s made me realize that there is nothing but love, nothing inbetween love and nothing to stop you from loving people. She’s inspired me to always have love in my heart and others in my thoughts.
Until today, I thought the world was a bad place full of bad people, but seeing such a beautiful soul take her own life had made me understand how my negativity was making my world a bad place. I feel that perhaps if people could have bought the beauty to her world that she bought to everyone elses then maybe this tragedy would not have happened and even if it did, the world would still be better off with just a handful of people like her.
May she rest in the peace she was looking for!
Iâ€™m in a bit of a situation and I need help making a final decision, please tell me what you would do.
I graduated from high school in June in the top 10% of my class. All of my friends are going to good universities and started leaving last week. I moved in today. The university Iâ€™m going to is only an hour away from my home and I can come home every weekend. At this specific university I was chosen to receive early admittance into nursing school which is hard to get into. Iâ€™m rooming with a good friend of mine from high school, she has already been going here for a year. I have really bad anxiety and an eating disorder as well. This summer I have gotten much worse because of the anxiety that leaving for college brought. This anxiety is unbearable, I want to kill myself just to make it go away. Part of me wants to stay at home and go to a community college not far away. I could go for free and get a job. Iâ€™m afraid that if I make this choice my family and friends will all be disappointed in me. I donâ€™t think they will understand because they are not the ones experiencing the anxiety. I really donâ€™t know what to do. Iâ€™ve never been this suicidal before and itâ€™s scary. If you were me, what would you do? Stay at the university, or go back home?
I would stay a few weeks to try it out, but the longer I wait I won’t be able to get a full refund.
Help me please.
Why I feel this way I don’t know.Â I’m just upset about nothing. Pathetic, really. Right? I wasn’t bullied. I wasn’t raped. I wasn’t abused. I’m just sad. I really do wish that I had a proper reason; a trigger; a valid purpose for wanting to endÂ my life. They all say life will get better, but I don’t think it will. I used to. I thought this was all just a phase; a couple years of my life spent wallowing in my own pity and sadness. I’m only a teenager, after all. I will be sad sometimes. But this is a new feeling. A feeling of hopelessness and like . . . Like there will be no end to the bad thoughts. They will always be there at the back of my mind, fighting to be heard. No matter how much I try to be positive, the thoughts will be sitting at the back of my brain, in all of their glory.
I don’t know. Recently, things just got bad. Real bad. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t really want anything anymore. I’m 14, as of yesterday. I spent the day celebrating with family and friends. I know I’m loved. I know I have friends who would care if I died. I know I have family who would be completely ruined if I were to die tonight. But I can’t help the thoughts. They don’t understand, none of them do; I can’t help feeling this way. If you think I want to feel this way; like I want to end my own life, you’re deadly wrong. I’m just so sick and tired of feeling either numb or suicidal. I want there to be something. But no, I can’t have that. I’m either too stupid, too worthless, too weak.
Â I just want to feel something. Something that makes me think, “Hey, maybe life isn’t so bad!”, but then again, life inside my mind is pretty shit, really.
Ever since I can remember I have never been happy, I have always plastered on a smile to easy other peoples minds, to make it seem like I’m not bothered by my small wasted life. I’m drained, for years I have been fighting off suicidal thoughts but now it’s getting to hard, I don’t want to die, it will fuck up my family and friends but at the same time I can’t hold on for much longer, nothing I do helps, I go to every doctor to get anti depressantsÂ I’m scared of doing it, I’m scared of not doing it and living I’m scared and anxious and I don’t know how to fix it they work for a bit then I’m back to square one. I move to a much nicer and happier country, its good for about a month then I’m plunged back into this never ending darkness. So I move towns to be with my best friend, walking on eggs shells the whole time so I don’t upset her boyfriend and world war 3 breaks out but I think it has because now I’m meant to leave soon. But to where? I’m over trying to fix my head, why can’t the movies happen to me? Someone comes in and does all the saving for me? I’m starting to think it can’t be fixed, it’s natural selection right? The weak must die and the strong must live. I’ve tried so many times to get it right but maybe its time to stop fooling everyone and admit defeat? My brain wont get any better, not after 15 or so years.
Since I sold my car (that my wonderful ex bought me when I completed a depression rehab stint) I told my therapist that I woulnd’t be able to attend our sessions anymore… She of course rebuttled saying “No Ma’am, we can FaceTime chat instead”. Faaantastic.Â
So I just spent the last hour (and $250 bucks) lying through my webcam about how much better I’m doing. And no, those arent boxes in the background of my room that I’ve packed up for my departure! Ha. Whether she bought it or not at least I have the rest of the night to listen to the ocean and write some more letters to family and friends.
Anyone else lie to their therapist(s)? I know its counterproductive.
I decided on Nov 18, 2012, that I did not have 1 single happy day (or half day, or real significant moment of relief) that I would wait 365 days and if things had not improved (i.e., the happy moment), that I was done here, my work completed, and that I would just check out.
I have a great job, a nice family and all that “people strive” for – in fact, I feel selfish writing this post because I know full well that I am not hard done by…. but I lost the one. Not only did I lose her, but I made it happen, it took me months to realize what a fool I was… and I have tried every angle to first, get her back… no luck, then find some closure… no luck, then simply come to a common agreement about being friends later in life… nothing.
Not only does she not speak with me – and I did all the breakup work… haha, congrats to me – but she still blames me 100% for her disfunction… as does her family, friends and even my family and friends.
I walk around each day with guilt, remorse, and general disguise for myself for having “destroyed’ this beautiful soul – without ever having the slightest idea of what I was doing wrong. I can’t get a nice girl’s phone number, and the ones that like spending time with me are completely off their rocker… not to throw stones…
So as November 18, 2013 approaches quicker than I thought it would, I am not scared, or worried about the actual event/day… I am just concerned that maybe Nov 19, 2013 will be the day that I finally run in to a girl that makes my last 14 months of hell seem like they were worth it. I have lost jobs, most friends, my family, almost every cent I ever saved… and more importantly my dignity, my Â self-confidence, and at the very core my soul. My soon to be born nephew is likely going to pass and all I can wonder is “why” and “seriously, what is the f’cking point”. I have seen so many doctors and filled myself with so many new “ideas” and “substances” that a day without some elderly-person’s medical regime would be a welcome event.
I don’t really care what else is left to see out there. I spend 30 years of my life wandering around wondering what the point was, I had 2 years of knowing what the point was, and now I have had 14 months of knowing there is one great person who liked/loved me but now hates me more than anyone could ever muster such anger… and I have contacted her 4 times in 14 months… the most recent being 2 weeks ago when she literally would not answer a call or email. Seriously, I envy those who have found love, god, a purpose, or are just too ignorant of self involved to see the sickness of this world.
I know that “I am the odd one out” but it doesn’t change the fact that my brain thinks you are Â all (or the general public) is just hiding from reality. I have tried every trick in the book, and then another 50 tricks or states of being, or life approaches never normally discussed in books… just for a hint that there is hope. But each day is slightly worse than the one before and Nov 18th seems like as good a day as any. I am on this site waiting, in fact, for some words that I have not already read… and the “you have so much to live for” is rational to the healthy or optimistic out there… but this brain just seen things through a grey scale of dirk, greed and selfishness. If I had never known true commitment, love and connection, then I would happily be working, jogging and finding exciting girls to spend my time with. But I know. I know the feeling of true belonging and without it… the rest is just background noise until the day we fall over naturally.
I’m done waiting. My day of reckoning is fast approaching and the Japanese fashion of checking out seems like a man enough way to call it quits in as honourable of a way as that can occur. If I can endure a full year of misery and the pain and peace of mind that this will take… then maybe it is just for the best.
It has been a true pleasure world. You gave me tons of laughs, lots of love/sex and unforgettable times… but I am not willing/ready/ or even content to go at the rest of the whole deal without a partner… and the rest of them just seem to be missing the least attractive part of the old one – nothing is close to even being measured on the same scale. When you sent her to me, I was convinced that you were finally looking out for us… and you knew that I needed some kind of angel… but that way that you (or me… or you let me) let her go in such and ugly fashion… well I just don’t think you have many of our best interests in mind… or !!!! and yeah I said, you aren’t up there?!? Well at least I will figure this all out in Nov. Until then, don’t let go of the special ones… no matter what doubts you have… and Â give yourself 1 full year from the moment of reckoning… at least you can say that you say a full winter, spring and summer and still said “i’m out”
Good luck, and good-speed. I hope most/all of you read this and think twice about dojo-ing yourself…. and I would love to know that one single person held on to that special one – in doubt – because they thought about how devastating it can be to lose it all out of sheer carelessness…
Take care all, and I will check in again this fall to see if anyone can come up with anything non-cliche… I have heard enough of “you have so much to live for, etc.) that it just honestly makes me sick these days. Sorry for the downer msg… stay frosty
Love, notalwayshapppy. Be well to yourself and never let your guard down. This whole topic is one sneaky adversary?
Last night was really scary. Iâ€™m 18, Iâ€™ve had suicidal thoughts off and on for over a year now, but lately they are pretty relentless. Yesterday I was having them all day, Iâ€™m not even sure why. I also just relapsed with my eating disorder. Every day I either restrict calories or eat and then make myself sick. I threw up twice yesterday. When it came time to go to bed I could not think about anything other than killing myself. I started to drift off and as I did I started picturing everyone who knows me going to my funeral and reacting to my death. All of a sudden I started sobbing which woke me up, I was shaking and crying so hard. I started scratching myself on my chest and legs for no reason at all. I was acting completely insane. I started choking because I was crying so hard and then I almost threw up for what would have been a third time that day. I laid back down, still upset, and prayed to God. I was still sobbing, begging him to help me. Eventually I must have fallen asleep, because thatâ€™s all I can remember.
I want to desire life, not death. I canâ€™t control these thoughts though. I wouldnâ€™t even be able to explain it to anyone who hasnâ€™t experienced it themselves, how it feels to dream of suicide and not be able to control it. Iâ€™m supposed to be going to college in the fall, all my friends are so excited to be moving on in life, but Iâ€™m not like them.
I think itâ€™s time I get help. Iâ€™ve always been extremely resistant to counseling, but maybe thatâ€™s what itâ€™s time for. I canâ€™t keep living like this, I just canâ€™t. I donâ€™t think itâ€™s fair to my family and friends to kill myself without asking for help first. So Iâ€™m going to be strong, Iâ€™m going to face my fear of counseling, and Iâ€™m going to pray for support and success. I want to talk freely and openly about my feelings to the counselor once I build a little trust, but I donâ€™t want there to be a threat of her having to tell my family. I donâ€™t believe I will follow through with my suicidal thoughts, they are just thoughts that are plaguing my every day. Has anyone here ever opened up to a counselor about these thoughts? How did it go?
I’ve been on a slippery slope for months.
I have a health problem that has driven me demented, lLiterally have not been able to relax or think straight for so long now and there is nothing anyone can do to take away this mental anguish.
I feel close to the edge. I have a beautiful Family and Friends and had a fantastic life before the onset of this ailment but now I feel the day is coming where I can’t carry on.
I am so ashamed to do this to the ones I love, but I’ve reached a point where I am beyond coping, my lust for life has died and I am going slowly crazy.
I emplore all of you with no health issues to think again about ending it. I KNOW how it feels because I am feeling it now, but if it’s not a physical health problem it can change.
I’m here to say I love you, as an annonymous person, to other struggling annonymous people.
See you on the otherside Xxx
what is wrong with me , this may sound stupid and worthless but im so sick of people walking all over me , what have i ever done wrong to get hurt so much in my life, im 15 years old and i think i might be devolping bi polar disorder, i always put an act on infront of others, when im around my family and friends i act happy and im the most cheerful person ever but when im by myself at night times i cry , sometimes even cry myself to sleeep. i have cut a couple times but not deep enough so thats theres scars, cutting doesnt sooth my pain , my hearts broken into a million pieces, i feel so alone and that no one even cares about how i feel and what i want , i always help others out when they have problems and when i need someone , no – ones ever there, i feel like FACEBOOK is the main thing that makes me alot depresser, if it wasnt for facebook i wouldnt of met all the people that have hurt me in my life,
okay so theres this one guy that i have had a thing with for about 5-6 months , the first time i ever saw him on skype, i instantly fell for him, the first time we skyped was late december 2012 we skyped for hours and he was the most perfectest boy i had ever met , he was so respectful and sweet and he just brought a smile back to my face anyways we continued talking and talking and just grew closer he told me he liked me and that was the happiest day of my life, i told him i likd him back and from that we grew so close. THEN in mid april 2013 we started drifting , i would ask if he wanted to see me and he would say cant , busy , family problems , and i was like thats okay if you have family problems im here if you need me, then he started to stop replying , and i thought to myself what have i done ? i thought we had something? i thought he liiked me ? what is happening? i tried messaging him and all that would happen was fighting , alll the time, WE JUST BASICALLY GREW SO FAR APART THAT HE DOESNT EVEN ACTLIKE THE SAME PERSON AROUND ME ANYMORE. WHEN HE INBOXES ME IT WILL BE LIKE “HI.” AND NOT LIKE HOW IT USED TO ME “HEEYY BEAUTIFUL XX ” I JUST MISS THE OLD US SO MUCH.,
ANYWAYS LASTNIGHT I FOUND OUT THAT HE FUCKED A GIRL AT A PARK AT THE START OF APRIL AND THAT EXPLAINED IT ALL TO ME , THATS WHY WE GREW APART HE BETRAYED MY TRUST HE CHEATED ON ME , I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF EVER FOR FALLING FOR HIS BULLSHIT,
I STILL LIKE HIM ALOT THOUGH I JUST NEED TO MOVE ON AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE I GUESS IT WILL BE HARD BUT I NEED TO TRY . I NEED A BUDDY TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO GETS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH SOMEONE WHOS ME.
here, i am.
on the top of this building, again.
i’ve hesitated, i’ve believed.
but nothings getting better, for me.
i jump, free fall.
But i realize its not free at all.
As i look into my families eyes
As i watch my bestfriends cry
As i watch him scream in pain.
As i watch them throw me in a grave.
But i have already jumped.
I hit the ground with a final thump.
i open my eyes.
i see the pain begin
I have payed the toll.
And watch the devil burn my soul.
So I’ve been dealing with depression for awhile, and it’s been inÂ differentÂ forms each time if that makes sense? Like meaning the way I see myself and others around me.Â BeginningÂ in highschool and through it I had a rough time dealing with others, by my junior year I was into death metal and planning on getting a gun to kill everyone in school. Even now I’m not as shaken by that statement as I should be and that’s what lead me to my next part of depression. By my second year of college I was alone, sure I had family and friends who would see me, sometimes that is. But I was alone for the fact that I was still dealing with those thoughts but I was feeling horrible about them. Sure their thoughts but thoughts become actions whether we like it or not. I would also start having these visions or dreams about me killing myself or my family. It was bad so I had a plan since my uncle had cancer and my dad was so distracted by him I was thinking about just “sneaking out the back door” while my family isÂ preoccupiedÂ I could die and they would have no time to mourn over me. My plan was to just get on a highway and wait for a semi truck going 65 miles per hour, and just run in front of it. It was perfect I wouldn’t truly be killing myself and it would be a complete mess so hopefully no one could identify the body. Now after being labeled aÂ psychoticÂ by myÂ therapistÂ at the time I was rushed to pyschward which wasÂ probablyÂ the worse place ever. Getting out of that place was great, but now I’m stuck taking meds that if I get off my body will uncontrollable ache and shake, or I will get this surreal feeling or feel like an out of body experience with myself every so often. But even then taking these meds I get thisÂ uncontrollableÂ weight in my stomach, where I am loathing and wish that I could just finally die and be rid of this meaningless life I was given.
I am new to this site but clearly, spending just a few minutes reviewing posts and the fact that IÂ even landed on this site makesÂ it clear that I have a lot in common with most of the audience here.
My challenge is thatÂ most of the posts are about being blamed our being bullied or about others not perceiving you as being good enough etc….. which I cannot identify with. The reason I hate myself and see no reason for being around is that I hate my depressions and my sadness -Â people looking at my life from the outside would envy the life I have, would envy the love I receive fromÂ myÂ partner, family and friends – an unconditional love that is still there even though they know that I was lying, cheating, living a double-lifeÂ and deceiving everyone I ever cared about for years….Â TheyÂ are all still there for me….Â Â I should be happy but my mind just keeps shutting down and wants nothing but staying in bed, feelingÂ sorry for myself, hating myself for feeling sorry forÂ myself sinceÂ nothing isÂ wrongÂ while trying hardÂ not to open thatÂ bottle of wineÂ until 6pm…
I blameÂ myself for what I did, I hate myself for not being happyÂ when I have everything I ever dreamed ofÂ while so many others have so manyÂ realÂ challenges in lifeÂ (realÂ tangible struggles as cancer, being addicts, losing their job,Â losing their house, their wife, facing wars and the list goes on….) Â and I am sitting here, havingÂ achieved everything I thought I wanted but pathetic enoughÂ to feel sorry for myself…
I stick around because of all the people that support me and make me get up in the morning and putÂ on myÂ happy face – they keep me alive but I would like to get up one morning because I genuinely want to get up, not to please someone else but to get up simply because IÂ want toÂ have a great dayÂ – lots of people do thatÂ don’t they?
“In the end
As you fade into the night
Who will tell the story of your life
And who will remember your last goodbye
Cause it’s the end and I’m not afraid
I’m not afraid to die”
I’ve been really angry and full of hate lately,Â It makes me feel like crap when I take my issues out on the people I’m close to because nobody knows about the thoughts I’ve been having except the people on suicideproject and one person I know who doesn’t talk to my family and friends,Â I guess because they don’t know how I feel they don’t get why I’ve been grumpy and sleeping all day, they just think I’m being a moody fucking ***** I suppose, which would explain why I hardly see any of my old friends and why my ex left me (Or it could just be self-pitying crap).Â I just never feel good enough for anyone, whenever I do something right from the start I feel like I know I’m going to majorly fuck it all up soon anyway. Â I never let myself get happy or excited about anything because i never expect it to last long, something always fucks up as soon as I finally become happy again. I cry so easily now almost for no reason, which hurts mostly because I’ve always been the strong one who looks after her friends when they’re going through hard times and depression now I cry every time I’m alone andÂ no oneÂ knows, or cares.Â I’ve been thinking a lot about cutting lately but so far I’ve not actually gone through with it which I’m quite proud of, its been around five years since the last time I hurt myself and I would love if it stays that way but in the last few months everything has just been building up inside I’m just waiting for everything else to come crashing down like the mess I am on the inside.
I am 17… And I completely hate my self … I hate the fact that I am black , that that I am female that I am tall…. That my mind is the most perverted thing in the world…. But I am so loney… I am not looking for sex just some one who I dont have to talk to, some one who gets me completely… Who shares the same view point of the world… I have a best friend and others friends but I can’t get my self to actually care about them … If they died today I wouldn’t even care….I had this one friend that gave me joy with out much words and I derived him away after I tryed to kill my self…..he was gay, white, short … Really the oppistite of me in looks …but I loved him… But I lost him … And it hurts so bad becuase it only makes me relize how crappy a person I I am… How selfish I am I made a promise not to kill try to kill my self again to most of my family and friends… But I never really took that promise seriously… Untill my gay friend made me promise it … Then ihold on to it more then life it self …but as he faded my figth to keep that promise ave also faded I don’t know what to do…. I just got a new job and my messed up brain have made a plan that’s pretty hard not to Excape into….I migth go Througth with it if I don’t mess up and try some other way off sudicidle …..yet I don’t want too …but I do… So badly…. For no reason… It hurts…blah
I’m angry at myself. I wish I had begun laying the groundwork years ago – had pushed my family and friends away, been a dick so that they wouldn’t care. Now I am stuck.
This was originally a much longer post.
Until I saw other people getting responses whilst you cunts ignored ME.
Thanks for proving me right. There’s no one who gives a fucking shit about me here, either.
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I don’t quite understand why it feels so much easier to write about my problems then to say them out loud I suppose it’s like my thoughts are my own little secret I mean that’s what your mind is for right? A space where you can detach yourself from reality if only for a few moments and go somewhere.. be it a memory or completely make up.. But no amount of day dreaming will save me from myself, Let me start off by saying I am now 19 years old to be 20 in August and have suffered from clinical depression for 4 years, I have attempted suicide twice and twice landed me in hospital. I don’t really know when it all started exactly.. all I know is that I can’t hide from myself..my life..my past..my mistakes, Your meant to be aloud to make mistakes so that you can learn and better yourself.. it’s all about growing up they’d say.. but what if in your own mind your mistakes.. your past are the worst and no one understands or no other compares.. IÂ speechÂ so much of how life is precious to others and yet don’t take my own advise, My Dad had moved us out of our home to start “a new” so he said little did we know he had a motive then it came out after we had moved, moved away from family and friends.. It doesn’t sound big but moving at 11 years old is a stressful situation I hated the place we moved to so much.. I had 2 friends well atleast I thought at the time and I wasÂ severelyÂ bullied in school, His main motive was to leave My mother me and my 2 sisters for another woman but not just any woman my mothers best friend whom we all knew .. her kids played with us and we went on holidays together so inevitably they got a divorce, so we were homeless for 6 months because we had spent all our money on this “new life”then we finally moved back home and I started Secondary school which would be my second level education like highschool or anything else And once again I was bullied in school but I got over that.. I felt strong for some reason my mind set at the time was “I won’t let them hurt me because no one can hate me as much as I hate me” so I coped never trusting anyone because whenever I did I was the one who got hurt, So I started messing around with the wrong crowd and started to smoke weed and hash nothing to major and I stopped after an unfortunate accident where I smoked to much and fell of a ruin of a castle and split my head open, I was raped when I was 15 by my boyfriend and I know what your thinking .. Its not rape he was your boyfriend..no this was rape.. he was 18 and I was 15 and I still can’t get into details about this it still makes me feel uncomfortable but at the age I was I never said anything I was so scared and I thought no one would believe me I started thinking it was my fault.. I did something.. I started doing bad things I started to see my best friends boyfriend behind her back and always denied anything and I never once felt guilty because I thought “look at her she has everything she wont miss him, he is mine” but that was so silly and childish I finally came clean to her and she now has a baby with this man and weÂ haven’tÂ spoken since,my friends when I was growing up were so cruel to me but then again I deserved it because I had done some horrible things so even though these things made me cry I suffered because I felt it was my punishment.. and I felt that wasnt enough so I started cutting myself, I needed to hurt myself more for many things at this time I was 16 and I just couldn’t handle my life I went into a spiral or thoughts and thoughts “It’s my fault I was raped” “It’s my fault my parents split up Im just like my mams best friend” “I deserve to be bullied because im worthless” “It’s my fault I have no friends I dont deserve them anyway” Eventually the cutting wasn’t enough.. I had grown numb to its sharp pain.. But I still had to punish myself for what I had done and then one day it happened.. and I dont even know how it’s like I blacked out and dont remember doing anything (I’m not mentioning the method I used for safety reasons)Â The next thing I knew I was Â being asked questions but I convinced everyone it was an accident and it wont happen again it was just an accident and for awhile I started to believe my own lie.. sure why wouldnt i? Â I had no memory of doing such a thing so I convinced myself itÂ WASÂ an accident.. and for awhile I felt ok I really did.. I started to not feel so numb inside and started not putting on a face to act happy It was genuine atleast I think and I had met someone.. someone I had once again stole from one of my so called friends and I was in that same mindset of “no you can’t have him you have to much he is mine” and i slipped into a pattern but I felt ok with this guy he made me forget how miserable I was for just a bit he made me believe not everyone us going to hurt me and then it happened .. in the park with my boyfriend and my other friend I knew from school ..And I would mess with my friend while we walked around and started playing on the swings in the playground in the park but he didnt like the attention I was giving my friend and when I didnt answer him he grabbed my neck and pushed me against a swing bar with my friend yelling out “jesus christ” and everyone in the park looking at us.. I didnt think there was anything wrong and I said it was accident .. he never said sorry but the again he didnt need to I had already said it for him really… me and him broke up anyway and once again I felt like it was my fault that im not pretty enough or I talked to someone or I looked at someone so feeling as low as I was feeling It was nothing compared to when my Nanny died my nanny who I had adored.. she had suffered from tongue cancer and after cemo and radiation and an operation to remove half her tongue she said no more so.. she died and when the funeral came around since it was my dads mother me my mother and my 2 sisters were ignored at the funeral and treated like we never knew her… my dad never said anything to me because he had found out I was smoking, he loved saying to me “Your nanny just died of cancer from smoking and you start” he would tell me to stop but who was he to tell me what to do? he had givenup his parental right on me since he decided to commitÂ adultery, so after my nanny died I began to slip back into a familiar feeling.. I didn’t start cutting this time.. no I had a plan this time.. my mother would be away for a week in Bulgeria for her yearly trip with her sisters and it would just be me, one of my sisters and my nanny on my mothers side.. so once againÂ Â I was in hospital but I remembered everything this time.. well not everything I remember the ambulance I remember being on a monitor .. I remember being put on a bad but it was more than I remembered that time .. this time they knew it wasn’t an accident and kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks .. I hated it I felt like a prisoner I was put on suicide watch .. I was so angry! all I could think of “who do these people think they are? just because your a specialist in this subject I wont talk to you” then I met this woman..I still remember her face but not her name.. she spoke to me like a person .. not a patient that had escaped a mentalÂ institution I wanted to tell her everything but was scared still they would not believe me .. but I bit the bullet and talked ..
(This is started to really get long I will explain more in Part 2)