A REAL Friend.

Nobody knows about my current suicide plans.  My family knows about the two preteen/teen attempts but they think I’m all better now.  Tell people what they want to hear and… you know the rest.  The third attempt they may have found out about except my little brother is listed as my contact and well from what he does for a living I KNOW he will not snitch.

My friend was visiting just to see my place. I rarely have visitors but she kept insisting and since we both dig anime, games, the occult, and dark themed tings I consented.  Since I rarely have company I really do not worry about leaving my computer up.  I was playing an RPG and had the dishes soaking and I told her to make herself at home.  She asked could she use the PC and I had forgotten it was on because I had not been on for a few hours.

So I told her to turn it on and go under the guest account.  Since I disabled my screensaver and hibernation when the mouse is touched it just reverts back to previous state. So she comes running back into my gaming room looking nervous.   And it hit me that my system was still up.  I thought she had stumbled upon one of the sites I visit of a more adult nature. (Yeah I’m celibate but still adore the ladies from afar).

But it was  the alt.suicide methods/holiday sites.  She basically asked me was I going to kill myself. I was going to lie but we’ve shared too much anyway so I told the truth.  And afterwards I told her that if she tried to call the authorities I’d just jump in my car and speed the process because I refuse to go to a mental ward again.

She hugged me and started crying.  And she told me that if I were anyone else she would try to get me help.  But that she knew if   she tried with me I’d hate her for it and she did not want that. And that knowing me I’d probably will myself to death or chew my own arm off or something.

I told her I could never hate her because most people would do the same.  She also said that she respected my freedom to do what I chose because religion and society no longer ruled her mind either. I was shocked but relived.  We do share a lot of thoughts in common but i never thought she’d accept suicide.

She told me that she would never have thought that I was suicidal or even depressed.  I told her having had to live a double life for years makes it easy for some people to hide.

But her promising not to tell and if she stands by that will make me admire her above anyone else ever in my life.  Even if she does tell I can fake them out to get free and then i’ll just speed up the process.

And it has been a couple of days and nobody has dragged me out of work or home so she will probably stay silent about it.And that makes me consider her a real friend.  Because she respects my wishes even though her feelings might get hirt and I would do and have done the same for her.