A couple days ago, I asked the Dean for some accommidations on my job. Specifically, I was having persistent short-term memory issues. What I asked for was’nt much, Just having a lab assistant (Their threshold is 25, I have classes of 23 and 22). I opened up to the Dean.
Worst. Mistake. Ever.
Apparently, she mentions things to the Director, who immediately schedules a meeting with me and the Dean the next day. Once in there, I am informed that my requests are against policy without written, medical documentation, and it was strongly inferred that even asking for help indicates that I can’t handle the rigors of my job, which would lead to disciplinary action. I was floored. The Director was someone I trusted, having been there as the IT Chair during my breakdown in class following my quitting alcohol. He even alluded to that, suggesting the had circumstances been different, I’d have been disciplined 7 years ago when I had my breakdown after quitting drinking. I was stunned by the Director’s approach. He was essentially saying, do your job, and if you’re incapable of doing your job, you better have medical documentation to that effect. Of course, reading between the lines, the message was clear: If you can’t do your job, we don’t need you. I was scared to death after the meeting, and I was beyond pissed at the Dean, who essentially threw me under the bus.
And of course, everything was documented. I didn’t have to sign anything, so it wasn’t “being written up” per se. But it did mean additions to my employee record. So basically, I asked for help, and they used it against me. I was floored. Flummoxed. Stunned by the direction that meeting took. Right now, it’s the bottle versus the ligature. (I chose the bottle, but my apparatus is still where I left it in the garage.). I cannot trust either of them anymore, which puts a dent in my “stay off the radar” rule.
Which sucks big donkey dicks. I like my job. I work hard to stay off the radar. I have a mental issue and ask for help, and I’m stabbed in the back. I am totally in horror at their attitude. May the Goddess and the God have mercy on me.
15 comments
That’s a horrible situation. I’ve been having my own problems at work, and tonight I really wanted make everything stop for good. Somehow I found this site in my morbid meanderings, and your post made me stop. And read. And get out of my own head for a few minutes. Soon I found myself more concerned with your well-being than my own depressive thoughts. It rang so true, reminded me of familiar experiences, made me marvel at how difficult it must be to teach while struggling with so much. So, tonight I will no longer focus on suicide and ways of doing it. Tonight I will reach out to you and say, your posts helped me. Your struggles matter, we can all help each other find our way out of the dark. Stick with us just a bit longer, your steps forward give us strength to take our own steps forward.
I don’t know what to say. I’m going out to do it. Thanks to all of you who humored me these last few days. Goodbye.
David V
For God’s sake, stay your hand, David. YOU were the one who acted in a responsible manner. THEY are acting cruelly and irresponsibly. The fault is theirs not yours.
In the current economic climate every job is in danger and you are most probably replaceable – they are yanking your chain. Stay alive, but remember their attitude the next time they need a favour or a ‘contribution’.
OMGporphyrous….i hope you are still with us….the short term memory loss may be attributable to medications you may or may not be taking….i don’t know enough about your personal situation to make specific suggestions….please know that there is always another answer….that being said….if you come back and find this….let me know….if not….i wish you well…..but please….there is always another answer….we just have to figure out what the proper question is
Hope to hear from you
Love Always
Amakua
Unfortunately, management always has a conflict of interest is situations such as this. they can never be trusted to “care’ about your best interest with compassion because they have been entrusted with stewardship of the institution. When they are given that type of charge – even if they are friends – hey feel an overwhelming loyalty to the organization and themselves. It was a foregone conclusion that they would react this way. Their response on a personal level will almost always be – “I really wanted to help but my hands were tied” – and it’s because they’ve already been raised to the next level so they act with self preservation.
“It’s only business” – only people who are solidly positioned at the same level care be of assistance because as people move up the ladder it is almost a requirement to put personal feelings and relationships aside. they are in a position where they cannot show weakness otherwise their climb up will become slowed or stopped altogether. Upper management requires that the institution rule be firmly adhered to and any wavering or favoritism is seen as a weakness.
In the business world – much like a wolf pack – weakness is immediately attack or at least challenged by someone who wants that position. In a wolf pack – the alpha dog can never be wrong or unsure – no matter how wrong or unsure it is – if at any time the alpha dog wavers, the next strongest dog will either take over outright or at least challenge for the alpha position.
So unless you could have put a spin on your request that makes your request seem to be in the best interest of the institution as opposed to the institution bending their rules (at extra cost) to assist you. if the Dean was a personal friend, the best move would have been to try and float your request in a personal setting. that way the Dean would be acting in the capacity of a friend as opposed to “the dean”.
Sorry it worked out that way for you but you are generally correct to have a “stay off the radar” rule – it is also not a matter of “not trusting” them – but understanding that in the work environment, anyone above your level – and people competing with you for a higher level – are decidedly NOT your friend – they are your competition – period.
business dawg
I sat out there for hours. I put it on me, a length of power washing hose, and took it off maybe a half dozen times. I even leaned into it the last couple times, got dizzy the last time. I couldn’t go through with it. I tried, seriously, but i couldnt go through with it. 🙁 I feel like such a coward. If not death, then what the fuck? I also feel angry that apparentlyh I just have to sit here and fucking TAKE it. No way to get back at them for the emotional ASSRAPE I endured yesterday. I am SO mad right now. Thank you for caring.
hey porphyrous….sorry you feel like you do….but that being said….glad to see you back….selfish i know….but misery really does enjoy company….lol…it’s company that has a problem with misery. I mentioned that the disturbing symptoms you are experiencing may be caused from some medications…ie. the short term memory problems….the meds i’m thinking of are the pams and the pines….are you on any of these currently?….wish i knew more about your situation so i don’t seem so much like an asshat here….but that takes time….to get to know someone….and we just recently met…..so….glad you’re still here….even if you’re not so much….
the other thing i would be interested in finding out is the trauma that caused the addiction in the first place and whether it is being addressed or just medicated….old nature lover here…..
Don’t want to tax you with my bs
Just really wanted to let you know i’m glad you’rehere
Namaste
Amakua
Are you here still, David? How’re you at the moment 🙂
I just got home from school. Nothing much happened today, other than doing a bit of CYA on my bureaucratic BS. Talked to another instructor friend at school tonight. I believe the words she used to describe the Dean was “insane two-faced harpy”. I was actually happy to see that Sonic was still open, so I went through the drivethrough and ordered everything with the word “chili” in front of it.
Tomorrow is my first individual therapy session. We’ll see how it goes, although I usually dislike male professionals because they tend to be poor listeners. That, and I just like and prefer the company of women.
Oh, and my wife found the power washing hose. 🙁 And she was pissed that I was drinking. I do need to quit drinking, but I need to find a new hose. I’m not going to relinquish my right to die quite yet. It’s the only thing I can control anymore.
Thanks for the analysis Dawg, what you wrote made a lot of sense.
Who are you folks, anyway? Or is that discouraged on this web site? I’d like to know more about you.
glad you found it helpful :0
who am I? just a guy who is here for a similar reason you are trying to impart a different perspective to those who might be receptive to it.
up and down dawg
Good morning porphyrous
Just saying…you should be careful what you ask for….lol….no that is not discouraged on this site…that being said….some are more private than others….some are more humble like the Dawg….oh gosh…me…i’ll play with you or for you for a while…and then i get real personal…know what i mean….truly you don’t…lol….just remember…grown ass men can and have been killed by beautiful, mysterious stalkers….lol….now what are you thinking?….sorry i asked…lol…
Okay sorry…enough folderol….lol….i think i might have just made that word up….lol….i’m a genious….except i don’t know what it means….all kidding aside…you forgot to answer all my nosy darned questions….does a girl have to beg….cuz i might…lol
And if you still want to know about others I understand…if you want to know about me….just ask….verbage in abundance…oh yeah and one more question for you….your name….geologist?….just curious
It’s all good
Glad you’re here
Amakua
There were questions? Oh, hmm, let me go see….well, my short-term memory issues began occurring immediately after I hung myself. So, not medication-induced. Definitely hypoxia-induced. I did some reading on Wikipedia, and oh Goddess….Wikipedia tells me, “The reported time from application [of a ligature] to unconsciousness varies from 7–14 seconds if effectively applied to one minute in other cases, with death occurring minutes after unconsciousness.” So, methinks I was certainly far enough along to suffer neurological damage.
My name comes from one of those Workman Word-a-Day calendars. On March 15, 1993, the word was “porphyrous: of or pertaining to the color purple”. The geological term “porphyry” has the same root, i.e. porphyra Greek for “Purple”. It only appears in the Oxford unabridged dictionary as a cross-reference to “purple”.
okay i’ll speak slower….lol
Good Morning porphyrous
Nice to see ya. But there was one more question….lol….what caused the alcohol addiction in the first place….and please don’t tell me it’s genetic….lol….maybe you’re working at the problem from the wrong end…just wondering….okay…being nosy really….lol
Sooo…whats with the Goddess reference….do I smell a pagan amonst us?…lol…would really like to know. Also…..thanks Merriam…
Geologists use the term porphyry only with a word in front of it describing the composition of the groundmass. I love the colour purple, but won’t wear it for sure….lol….but in my home….in nature….in music….love love love purple…do you like purple or is it again just the calendar thingy? and do you remember what you were doing on March 15, 1993?….lol…truth is I used to love red, and then i loved black, and then i loved blue, and then i loved green….i currently love purple….women…lol…and they tell me that my aura is purple…or rather was….now kinda swirly opal indigo smushed up will all the others….glad i can’t see it…sounds horrible….lol…actually i lied….no such thing as purple in nature i believe….debate for sure….but nope…always a more dominant colour in the mix somewhere….usually blue….blah….okay i’ve tortured you enough for now…lol
Ya know….you can feel free to ask me some questions….although you’ve probably been warned not to….lmao….but seriously….I for one am glad that you’re still with us and I might get a chance to know you better…just saying…will leave you in peace now
Namaste
Amakua
the words “porphyrous” and “porphyry” obviously share a common root, “porphyra” which in greek literally means “purple”. I Found it long, long ago in Workman word-a-day calendar. It took it as my identity. The name is almost always still available when I go to places on the Internet. Purple has been my favorite color since at least high school.
You’re right, I’ve had alcohol problems in the past. I started in college, about the same time I got my first depression diagnosis. I spent the next thirteen years self-medicating. I quit drinking in 2004, tried to again a year ago, quit again in April of last year, but I’ve had a half dozen slips when I wanted to rebel or faced a situation I couldn’t handle (like Friday night). I’m still trying to decide what to do about the alcohol question.
As for the Goddess reference…very close. I’ve been Wiccan in the past. My mother is a Wiccan crone. My mother also said most of my aura is purple. My father is Missouri-Synod Lutheran. Growing up with the juxtaposition of the two has been….interesting. I presently self-identify as UU (Unitarian-Universalist) because I still love Jesus, just not any of the religion that descended from Him. I still read the Bible. He’s my God figure. Artemis is my Goddess figure. We all need one or the other at some time in our lives. Sometimes the most urgent lessons are shown to use by God as feminine. I didn’t think of it that much when I wrote the reference above. Just sort of a matter-of-fact part of my life.