Every Tear Drop That Falls is a Tear Drop of Guilt all it Took Was Me To Break up with My Pakastani BF That Meant The World To Me and It Also Took was Just 1 Text From My Abusive and Jelous Friend That I’m No Longer Friends With and My Abusive and Jelous Friend Ruined My Perfect Life She Made My Perfect World Turn into Dust and Ashes While My Friend Ruined My Perfectly Built World I was Stuck Repairing and Fixing it Again My Eyes Are as Red as Blood From All The Tears That Has Fallen From My Eyes It Hurts Me That I Broke Up With My Pakastani BF That Meant The World To Me and What Also Hurts Me is That My Friend That I Met in 2005 Who Used To Be Sweet and Kind Turned into an Abusively Jelous Monster of a Friend That Abused Me, Swore at me and Got Jelous over How Well I was Doing With My Life But Once She Knew What I was Going Through She Tried To Say Sorry But Saying Sorry For What I was Going Through and Not Saying Sorry For Abusing Me, Making The Guy I Just Started Redating Hate Me, Block Me and Made us Break up When we Just Got Together That Tore Me From Limb To Limb But Breaking up With My Pakastani BF Literally Slaughtered me, Tore me Apart, Destroyed My Happiness and Made My World Slowly Die, Crumble and Turn into Ashes and Dust That is How it Felt When I Broke up With Him When I was Breaking up With Him I Felt My Heart Dying and I had Tears Streaming Down My Face and When I Finished Ending Our Relationship I was Shattered That I Broke Up With Him There Was Nothing Left For Me Give I was Devastated That I Made That Decision Cause I Not Only Broken up With Him But I Also Broke a promise That I Made To Him That I Promised To Myself That I Would Never Break it But I did. I Don’t Deserve to Be Forgiven But Everyone Deserves a Second Chance But There is Something I Do Know and That is Once I Make a Mistake and it Shows Me Where I Made The Mistake I instantly Try and Fix The Mistake That I Made. Lastnight I Made a Mistake. The Mistake I Made was Breaking up With Him and That Mistake Just Turned into a Complete Disaster That Has Left Me Regretting it With The Consequences Staying Fresh in My Mind I Can’t Believe Just How Quickly 1 Mistake That Has Been Made Could Easily Turn into a Nightmare I am Never Ever Doing That Again My Mistake Has Taught Me a Lesson The Lesson That I Learned From My Mistake is: If I Break Up With The Pakastani BF That Means The Whole World To me Disaster Will Surely Follow Behind
Love is after us 24/7 . But in the end ,you ended up in Hellâ€¦if
you make that fault mistake â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦ but mine you ,youâ€™ll
Â still be in Love. I am Human but I bleed just like everyone
else. When she has her trying days, I listened to the rocks and
stones that come my way. Â Is this Love? Love is who you,
Surrender too. Whoever ,you think you where.Â Thatâ€™s when
ever thing changes, when Love, comes knocking on your
door.Â Love blinded you to a Fault, it Trust everything. It has
Faith in honor, without question. Believing is to convince
your mind, that the heart in your soul is safe Â ,and that youâ€™ve
Â found that which youâ€™ve been screeching for your whole
life.Â Â Â Not really Â now Â that reality starterâ€™s to replace the faces
of images that areÂ darkerÂ than even the light , just shades of
hope yields itsÂ head up and then Â down underÂ the waves
again.Â Looking for air , searching for the light that will bring
you Â to life thinking only of the good .Â Â But yet again youâ€™ve,
come to your knees to surrender your wiliness in the name of
Love . For your mine and heart rules for the good, yet you
forgotten the other side .yet you stay, you remember the
good, You are still whole and safe. Â Spreading like a virus
Â ,this thing called Love.Â Itâ€™s like Heroin to the soul, once
tasted one canâ€™t ever come back from its depths and halls of
mirrors. Â The highs and the lows,Â and the feel, the taste, the
longing Gone. Â Yet weâ€™re all looking for it, like a junkie on the
corner. Knowing that it will even kill our souls . BUT Youâ€™ll
take that chance. Faith has you by the hand an whisper in
your ear ,itâ€™s there youâ€™ll find it . Turn to the book it will save
you, but the book is only trust, I canâ€™t touch faith, I canâ€™t hold
on to it for comfort. I canâ€™t cry on its shoulder. Its smoke
passing ,though my mine. But to believe, in this enough. My
hunger sends me backÂ to mixing in the streets ,looking, Â but
blinded. Because your sprit has fallen with fear , keep it
penned to the ground. Â Shadows between you moving at a
gleaningÂ ,so affair and yet so far from you. Can you see them
from the darkness . Will the shadow show itâ€™s light. Or in the
coldest of Â light Â you will see them,but only Â in the dark . Â but
they have only the darkness to cling too, soul searching for
that sprite that light . Yes Â its in Â your Mine, it Â doesnâ€™t
remember, its blinded you can see it . Itâ€™s really trying to save
you, from the thought that you are alone. We canâ€™t be alone .
Â Look at all these people all my friends, my family.Â But Â Hope
and Faith and Truth Â are they gone as well , where are they.
Â You see the devil , instead of the angel inside Â of you killing
Â the truth, hiding Â it from the Light. Â Wears is the spark that
Â glows in the night , that it may show me the way to the top ,
can I make it too reality . Too know , too feel, too believe, too
hope, too trust in love even after it has brought Â me so much
pain . Â Â YESÂ ,We are weak to no end , we have no power
against it. How can you lie to yourself? Â Itâ€™s Over.Â Â Itâ€™s gone .
Now where are your feeling ?Â Canâ€™t you see them, or are they
lost like a face in aÂ pictures. Â Is this all that, there is.
Â Question Now. Â Who am I. Â Is there another life better than
this, is their time . Â Not even money can buy Â this passion.
Â what are we looking for, Â its priceless .Â Itâ€™s the Â lock inside
Â your hearts mine, that will take you there, wear is the key
,how do I fine it. . Every day we ask the same Â questionÂ ,
Should I Keep looking on the corner in the streets an feel the
life around me. Should IÂ be looking beyond, the future.
Â STOP and Think , Not really. Knowing the truth that the
pains we fear will only come again are you really ready to do
Â this again. Â The highs and the lows playing the same tune yet
different notes, hidingÂ itself .waiting to be discovered
Â Silence, and still. Brave of heart , yet weak from sprite we
walk along alone glancing, but not looking for the beast to
consume are hearts.Â Â Yet Quietly in the back ground Â we
search it out, Is it theirâ€¦..this LOVE , the truth, the heart ,the
belief in sprite , the trust without doubt , and the knowing
youâ€™re not alone. Â Iâ€™m , I there , I feel the warmth. But when
does the pain start.
But oh wait ,Â yes there is another side. Where the rain falls
,Jealousy, suspicion, faithless, honor, disbelief, dishonor,
betrayedÂ all this is also called LOVE. Â To place fear, as a lose
which causes suspicion to create demons from far Â back in
your mine? Â Bringing out the beast that fight for the heart. Â To
consume its sprite and fasten the link to itsÂ souls to be hole
again. This is to be Â human. Â Your Instinctive, mine believing
Â there is danger . A well of energy with the belief over comes
your sensor. Now comes honor , the blood pouring out from
the woundsÂ where trust faithfulness ,truthfulness Â and rage
of the heart has been give a rock so heavy itâ€™s consuming your
soul. Â Making you do anything it wants you to do again. And
again we fine it all in the name ofÂ LOVE . Love defenses the
heart. Love is to quits the mine, and bring peace to the soul.
But love burns deep in are being. Always looking for us . Day
after day. Love is all around us. Yet we still donâ€™t understand
its system. Only how to react to its triggers. Â Fine a flaw, use it
to defense, yourself.Â Fine a JOY, use it to create.Â That time,
that moment, that place .capture forever in the well of
memory.Â When they ask how empty the glass is. You answer
No how full is it with Love.Â But to blink is a life time gone
away.. To experience love is forever. Because we hold it so
close to our hearts, when asked Â HWDDOGÂ Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â about a time,
love shines the light back in time to, yes I remember. Â You
look back at time and how fast it has gone. And with it also
love. Past, Â present, and after we have gone. And then the
fading starts. Look back and see if you can remember .Then
theyâ€™ll be a moment, then a occasionally, than a mention and
then at the end, there is I wonder. Â Now the circle is complete
the flame has now burned out gone, from memory .Only a
faded photograph remains. And when asked youâ€™ll say. Â I
remember thatâ€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦all Â Â she / he Â wanted was love .
â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦.LOVE AND ITS MEANINGÂ â€œâ€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â by HWDOG
My life is hell. Â No, I’m not your average guy, and no I’m not looking for attention. Â I’m considering suicide. Â I love my kids, so I have found a way to get through today. Â My wife is driving me insane. Â We fight.. Â dirty.. Â I say things I know hurt her she says things to hurt me, wow how human.. Â however, Â I recant my mean and thoughtless words, and back up my recant with actions. Â I show her what I said is not true. Â On good days I chase her like a school boy and his first crush.. Â I love her madly.. Â she never recants. Â She says things that are very hurtful to me, I deserve it, but part of fighting is making up. Â I apologize, Â show remorse. Â She doesn’t do that and I can’t take it knowing someone I love so much can feel the way she does about me. Â Does that make any sense to anyone? Please help me. Â I fear my ability to cope with her lack of affection and intimacy are wearing thin. Â This is my last effort to prevent what seems the inevitable. Â I’ve put all I have into this marriage. I can’t loose this. Â I love her. Â I need her. Â She has changed. Â I fear this is too far gone. Â Today she thought I disconnected her phone. Â I did it once about 7 months ago. Â I’ve since been in classes to help myself react to others. Â I didnt disconnect her phone. Â She lost signal. Â She didn’t ask, just assumed and then brings her mom into it. Â I can’t show her change if she assumes before I can do anything. Â Its killing me that I’ve put so much into this change I’ve made and she isn’t giving me a fair shot to show her. Â Is it that I’m not, nor never was the problem? Â Please tell me.
I try to flee,
but something in the air
makes me get back here
I’m a fucking loser
I gave up on hope
Should I try to live better?
The world made me a suicidal
so the death I shoulda hug
This is my destiny
This is the place I belong
Sorry if I make any mistakes,I don’t speak english perfectly,could someone tell me if I’ve made a mistake?
My parents don’t want me. I hear them talk about how i was a mistake. They talk about it when they think i am sleeping. But im not. I hear them talk about it. After a while, i just decided to distance myself away from them. I go to school and i don’t want to leave. I come home and stay in my room. I am not wanted here. I think to my self every day. I think that one day, i will have the balls to either run away or just commit suicide. I haven’t decided yet. Im still debating. I have a lot to figure out.
When a person is born … what is the purpose behind that birth??? What is the purpose behind mine???? Am I just born to nearly get everything one can want and have it snatched away from me in a second??? being born with calcium deficiency and convulsions… since then it has always been a struggle… I would have died then and there but mom sells her assets to save me… but for what ??? to torture me when i grow up… to prove that i am a mistake in her life… when i din’t have an issue with her marriage… why the sudden change from being loved to being ill-treated and misused???
Is that all life has got to offer to me??? Then dad … left 17 years ago …. got married and never looked back? what happened to all the crap put up on various sites, pages and movies and books… Is that kind of a father daughter relationship a lie??? Is it all a sham? just useless fucking crap? I have everyone and i am alone…. all that i’ve written… every single poem every single story is burnt by my own mother right in front of my eyes… ?????
I want to die… as i should have all those years ago … I promise myself that i will find a way to end this as soon as possible…………………………………………
I got to this point where I didn’t want to die. I saw my future for the first time in years. I thought I had a future. I thought maybe I mattered, that maybe I could survive, that people liked me and I could handle relationships. I was so wrong. Here I am, in college sitting in my closet, wanting to escape again. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t have enough left in me to keep going. But I also made the mistake, in the time that I was feeling ok about myself and my life, to get attached to people again. I had stopped caring before. I had been smart enough to detach myself from their reality. But now I care too much, and I know that people care about me. Yet, how can I continue? I’ll never get my degree. I’ll never really fit in with any person or group of people. I’ll never find a career that I love and desire. I’ll never be good enough for myself or anyone else. I’ll never find a love that could endure my mental health fiasco. I’ll never feel better. I just can’t take much more of this existence. I hate to think that my life is draining anyone else, but I know it is. I know people are worried about me. I know they care too much and don’t understand enough to try and help. It’s exhausting, and nobody deserves that. Even my own counselor won’t answer my emails. I do hope that things are ok with her. I would never want to be here feeling sorry for myself because she won’t answer only to find out that she’s sick or something terrible happened. I don’t know. I’m just so self-centered and selfish. I try to help others, but I’m so insecure that it’s hard. I just wish there were more options, but I’m stuck.
I made another mistake. Again another mistake. All the stress, disappointment, failure, wasted finances I dont have, problems at work, added to my already deterioratking career, empty Â savings account, disappointed family and friends, car and motorcycle thay need to be rebuilt, jeez the list goes on. Just when you thought it was piled high or you feel youc’re making baby steps toward improvement THEN you get kicked all the way back into a crawl.
I dont get itk? All these other people are so successful, almost with out even trying. While I try my ass off s succeed Â then FALL! I fall twice as far as climbed.
I need an entire new start whetjer that is pulling the trigger or vanishing.
Â August 1, 2013 Thursday 2:55 pm
Iâ€™m a lot stronger now than I have ever been. I have my anger somewhat controlled, Iâ€™m slowly getting it together. But as I look back at the hard times I was having. I was so scared and afraid of my future and didnâ€™t know my purpose on earth anymore. I felt like I should be dead at the age 23 years old. I lived a life as well as I could. I was so broken down and beaten I was just tired of waking up every day fighting to be happy or just to be alive . I wanted out and I wanted out NOW.
June 18, 2013 was a hard day for me. Some people say the devil isnâ€™t real and god is never there but I beg a differ. I made a mistake by letting the devil in my head and I couldnâ€™t stop what he was telling me to do or what was to come that night as I went home. That day as I sat at work all I could think of was dying I planned it out piece by piece. I made a will to my mom told her that I loved her and that I was sorry for what Iâ€™ve done and that Iâ€™m a lot happier. I wrote in my journal that day telling myself I was going to go to hell for killing an innocent soul, every word I wrote was Iâ€™m going to hell over and over again. I went to the extreme to give my information to my mom of bank account, to Facebook, yahoo mail.Â I literally felt like I was going to die and go to hell, there was NO saving me.
All I can remember from that night was I called my mom crying telling her I didnâ€™t want to live. She made me promise to her that I wouldnâ€™t do anything that stupid to her myself, I promised but I broke that promise 10 minutes from then. I did the unthinkable and laid there crying. As Iâ€™m crying I started to see my future and thatâ€™s when I wanted to live. I remember riding to the ER and screaming and crying I want to live please help me!! â€œI donâ€™t want to die, please help meâ€. Â
Â As I lie there crying and holding on to what I could grasp all I could think of, Is God is true, does he love all his children? If so then why let me go that far of taking my life.
Â June 26, 2013 as I am getting help I needed I can finally see the light. I see how truly loved I am and how special life is and to love every minute of my life as it goes by. I will never let myself go to that place again donâ€™t be afraid to ask for help because there are many people who are willing to help those in need. My life has changed since that day I may have lost friends on this journey but I am still strong and willing to do anything to be happy and stand strong. I would do anything to help those in need of just needing someone there for them. I know itâ€™s hard Iâ€™ve been there and honestly itâ€™ll get better. Just give it time let god take over and guide you to where you need to be.
Today I’m going to kill myself. Â I’m going to finish my day at work and when I’m done, I’m going to kill myself. Â I’m going to take the bottle of muscle relaxers and drink the bottle of wine and die in the spot that the homeless man sleeps when he’s drunk. Â When they take my body, they will have to clean the area and that will be good for him.
Alex will be so sad but she will write great songs about her feelings and go on to enjoy lots more success. Â She will meet someone new that will love her better than me. Â Her life will be better than it would have been with me.
I was born broken. Â The drugs don’t work. Â I am missing something for which there is no prosthesis. Â I am not meant to be here. Â The best thing I can offer is to correct the mistake that I am. Â I think this will benefit everyone I know or would have come to know.
I wish I had some money or credit to blow on a final indulgence, but I have nothing. Â This act of taking the pills and drinking the wine; it is my last pleasure to have. Â This isn’t even an interesting thing to write, but I just feel like it. Â I can’t wait to be nothing and to feel nothing. Â But I will wait until 5pm. Â I have some work to do. Â I don’t know why I want to wait, but I do, and I will do what I want on my last day.
The things I would miss, if I could miss things after I’m gone, are: the smell of coffee, Â Miles Davis, Â Alex… Â I love her so much. Â She is the only reason I’ve lasted the last few years. Â If there were ever a reason to live, it’s her. Â The only reason my life was not a complete waste is that I got to make her feel something good now and then. Â When I see her, I see a life that makes the world better. Â It’s the sort of life I thought I might have, but I’ll never be that way. Â Her happiness is beautiful. Â If there’s an afterlife, Â I will come back as a ghost to make her bed every morning. Â I will wash her dishes and fold her clothes. Â It’s good that I won’t be able to miss things… I would miss the hell out of her.
Even so, I can’t stay. Â I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make this work. Â I never meant it to be like this. Â I was just born broken. Â It is no one’s fault but my own, and I finally know how to fix what I am. Â I won’t feel relief, but I won’t feel this either, and if I have to throw the baby out with the bath water, then so be it.
If you read this whole thing, thank you. Â I hope you have a good day.
I made a mistake, a huge mistake. I met a boy, with beautiful green eyes and a personality that trapped me like a helpless fly in a spiders web. In that web was the only place I wanted to be. Over a couple weeks I got to know him and I fell, fell so hard it was sad. I smiled constantly, because of him, and he made me laugh, the real kind, (not the bubblegum-fairy-princess kind you feed to people around you when your depressed) it was amazing. I felt free of my chains when I was with him.
Mistake… Then I learned I was really second choice to my best friend… He wanted her, I was really just the closest thing to her. I should have realized somebody as messed as me couldn’t get somebody like that… Then he messed up… told me he loved spending time with me and that I was beautiful and other sweet things… I thought… I can get him to love me, I just need to show him the real me, the hurt, the pain, the truth… Bigger mistake, he just couldn’t grasp my issues. I get that, I guess… He hadn’t seen that side of me before…. then BAM! He sprang the L bomb on me…. I was sure I loved him, so I said it back, I felt triumphant, I had succeeded, hadn’t I…?
Wrong, I’m still second choice, I don’t know why he told me he loved me if he didn’t mean it… So I’m back to square one… Eventually tears… tears really don’t fucking do anything! So why do I keep crying over this…
Why? Why is it that I feel useless? Why is it that people always find it so incredibly easy to leave me behind? I really don’t understand why I could possibly be so fucking useless and so hopeless that opening my eyes of a morning is the first and worst mistake I make of the day.
People always say “It’s a phase; you’ll grow out of it” or “You’re not really that sad, are you?” or, my personal favourite “I understand, you will be fine”
I wont be fine. I wont grow out of it. I am really that sad. It is such a challenge just to get out of bed and try to cope with the prickling that eats my throat away all day, and the cement at the bottom of my gut. I don’t know how or why I bother. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, but I suppose that if there were anyone who’d understand, it would be you reading this. Well, certainly better than any fuckwit in a psychiatrist’s office. Part of me wants to be here. Part of me wants to wake up next to someone, or have friends around for a weekend barbecue. But my headspace is just fucked. I go to sleep wanting to not wake up and I hate myself with a passion when I do. I know this makes no sense, but I suppose people here might think it’s better than what I had in store for tonight.
I have been lost for such a long time.Â I sometimes think it started the day my mother died but that isn’t it.Â Â Or the day I asked for helpÂ the first time I tried to kill myself, and the military discharged me instead.Â I really don’t know where I went wrong.Â It seems when I ask for help, or try to talk about it, people either don’t want to listen or don’t believe me.Â I mean really, how can someone my age be going through this.Â I am the one who has these feelings and I struggle to believe it myself.
I left my life aÂ 5 years ago.Â Â Just packed what I could carry and left.Â I had enough money to get me into a hotel for a few days but that was it.Â Â I ran away.Â Â I ran for my life.Â I drove as far as I could before I got to tired and wound up in Atlanta.Â I thought I would be safe there, it is a big city and nobody knew me there.Â I took a job as a waiter and foundÂ somebody renting a room out.Â Everything was ok for a couple months.Â I guess that was my mistake.Â I dropped my guard and then it all came crashing down again.Â I was stopped atÂ a random checkpoint for whateverÂ reason and because I hadÂ no insurance, they arrested me.Â Â I was released with a hefty fine, but now I was in the system in Atlanta.Â Now with no car and no means to get away this time, I was panicked.Â I pulled together as much money as I could quickly and placed an ad looking for a place to stay in another city.Â I left again.Â I have had to move three more times and thought I was finally somewhere safe but now I am screwed.Â I am renting a room and was working in a bar but where I live now, you need a license to serve alcohol and I can’t get a new one.Â Â M license expired a long time ago and getting a new one will let my ex know where I am.Â I have tried to find work doing odd jobs for cash but have had no luck.Â I have just enough money to either run again with no idea where to go, or to stay for a couple more months.
It seems that I really have no choice in what to do.Â I set up a false email to contact my family, but my ex has been in touch with them this whole time.Â I really have nowhere to turn.Â Every day I fight the urge to just give in and go back knowing what will happen.Â If for no other reason than to get it over with.
I am lost, I just don’t have it in me anymore to fight.Â I have a supply of a blood thinner that everything I read about it tell me that overdosing on it will cause me to bleed internally and die.Â It seems like a painless death.Â Maybe after I take the pills, I will be happy again.Â Safer, happier, at peace.Â I know it seems dramatic and final, but what doÂ I have to live for.Â I don’t have it in me to run again with no hope of being safe.
I think it is time for me to be done.Â I have decided that I will pay for another month to stay where I am and that will be that.Â Looking at that statement and realizing that this will be done in a month, actually makes me feel peace.
As you know I have a very rich grandmother who is quite snobby and verbally abused me when i was a child. Last week I was talking to her on the phone and my plan had slipped out and i told her by mistake.. She tried long and far to stop me but i said no to everything… For some fucking stupid reason she decided to give me a mil to enjoy before I pass away…I now this would sound really fake to the average person but i don’t care if you believe me or not. All that matters is what should i do with it. Can i get some suggestions?
My name is praful raj.
I am suffering from torture of this world.
I came on this earth on 24th april 1995Â at 8:10 PM (GMT 5.50).I was born in an Indian state i.e Andhra Pradesh in Telangana region inÂ a city named HYDERABAD.
I want to commit suicide because my mother,father and brother hates me.
BUT i still love them.I am a hard worker.I study very hard to get *** marks.But my family wont support me and they always discourage me.They say me that i dont have any caliber or intelligence.They always join me in an institution in which rote learning is preferred.And i hate rote learning.They dint even provide me basic minimum facilities to learn i.e like a fan in room,chair etc.
AND I BARED THIS ALL.THIS I NOT MY REASON TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
There are many reasons.They always say to all people that i am very bad behaving person,poor student,wasting their money eat a lot. infact i am very thin i dont eat much.my family says me that i use abusive words with them but i dont speak bad words at all.I am exactly unable to describe the tortures i bared.I loved them they hated me.I defended my brother in a violence situation with his friends.When that matter became a pointing point to my family they said public that everything happened because of me .when the mistake was made by my brother.my family dint supported me in anything.
I AIMED FOR A SEAT IN A PRESTIGIOUS COLLEGE AND WORKED HARD FOR IT BUT ID NOT ACHIEVE IT NOT BECAUSE I DINT HAVE A RIGHT APPROACH FOR IT BUT BECAUSE MY PARENTS JUST SAID MEÂ “LOOK AT YOUR FACE IN THE MIRROR”.THERE WAS NO ONE IN MY LIFE TO SUPPORT ME,ENCOURAGE ME,LOVE ME.
PEOPLE LOOK AT MY FACE NOT MY TALENT AND HARD WORK.
I GAVE THIS WORLD LOVE AND IN RETURN GOT SEVERE INJURIES.
I KNOW THERE WILL BE NO ONE TO CRY FOR ME WHEN I DIE.I WANT SOME ONE WHO LOVES ME OR I WANT PEACE BEACAUSE I DINTÂ ACHIEVE ANYTHING.
I WANT TO LIVE BUT I WANT SOME LOVE NO MORE CRUELTY.MY CHILDHOOD HAS BEEN ABUSED.
I WANT SOMEONE WHO CAN GIVE ME ALL THOSE LOVE I LOST.BUT I KNOW THERE WILL BE NO ONE LIKE THAT. NOW MY CHOICE IS TO FIND PEACE WHICH IS POSSIBLE ONLY IF I QUIT
I WILL COMMIT SUICIDE IN JUST TWO TO THREE DAYSÂ BECAUSE I WANT TO TAKE AIR ,WATER ,WALK, TALK RUN WITH JOY AND MAKE ALL THE FALSE STATEMENTS MADE BY MY FAMILY ABOUT ME TRUE.
FINALLYÂ Â I WANT TO SUGGEST THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE TO THINK ABOUT THEIR LIFE BECAUSE I AM THE UNLUCKIEST FELLOW AND THEY ARE SOME WHAT BETTER I CAN BET THAT.EVEN IF MY LIFE WAS SOMEWHAT BETTER I WILL NEVER DO THIS THING……………………. BUT MY LIFE CONDITION IS WORST.
IN MY LIFE I WAS ALWAYS STARVING FOR A LITTLE LOVE AND AFFECTION FOR ME BUT MY LUCK IS VERY HARD.
I DONT BLAME ANYONE FOR MY SUICIDEÂ Â I JUST WROTE ABOVE ALL TO SAY HOW I FELT ABOUT THEIR TRATMENT TO ME
I was born to this unforgiving world, and thinking now i wished that i never existed
8 years of my life that i suffered with my Family without knowing the reason….
I was born in a family of a Father working on another country that I’ve never seen until recently, a Mother who tends to destroy me physically,mentally and spiritually, beating me and locking me up for a small mistake and makes my body bleed for a case like for a single piece of missing pencil, and a little sister who seems treated differently from me, from material things to emotional support that cause me envy and hate her more than anything in this world, due to the difference in treatment i get from this family…
And the fated day when they discovered my Mother’s affair and forced to leave, as she leave she tried to take me with her and leaving only my sister to my Father side but that didn’t happen and i also end up with my Father’s family….knowing later that she didn’t take me with her because she was given a small amount of money
1 year later
she came back to visit us and and only took me out to a place of her relative or friend i dont know…. and stayed overnight …. and i still remember like its just yesterday, that night my mother was crying and repeatedly saying im sorry…. and the next day returned me and never saw her again to the point i already forgotten her face…but not the scars she gave me both physical and emotional………
11th year of my life
My father came back and started his new life and leaves again like a wind
On the 12th year up to my 16th year of my life i ask my self Why and question my existence….
As i grew up with this family, there is this stares, this feeling this hunch that something is not right something is not fair there is just something that only those who have the same case like me……and i ended questioning everything the treatment between me and my little sister the way they easily beat me like im stray dog that did something wrong… i live i question and i suffer mentally and spiritually and i graduated from high-school as im about to talk what i want for my future like any other kid who wants to take their studies and future further ……… and my fate was sealed
16th to 18th year of my life… where everything starts and also ends…
As i tried to tell my family what i want for my future…before i can even explain it they just blatantly told me forget it its just waste of money and time and forget about your dreams………. that time my world started to end. In the end, i ended up in a place i didnt even want to be in and its like they where only forced to put me there and so that they can tell themselves that they didn’t forsake me. as i tried to live my life and study tried to mold my future, together with college stuff i question everything, why im still treated like this, i question my very existence….and why am i in that shit hole i cant even concentrate on my studies and started to take toll on me and in just few months i just gave up i just cant handle the stress…and stopped ….my father came back home again together with his new family …… and that fated day came where one day we have a family gathering in some restaurant and there the greatest blow ever given to me …… he humiliate me, belittle me, and mock me in front of the family and in front of public and speak like he’s a father who’s there to see me grow up but in reality i only remember seeing him 2-3 times in my 16 years of life to the point im not used him being around and to treat me like this makes it worse…
They told me that they’ll give me a chance and enrolled me again and told me restart my studies but its too late, after that i just snapped . i just blew up and just started to loose hope and stressed up mentally unstable ……….. i remember i was in some kind institute for mentally unstable…basically for crazy people.. ……… and there i try to process everything just happened and then in 18 years of life i found out the truth from my doctor that im just a nobody dont have any ties or blood relation just a burden a stranger nothing a trash unwanted im just a living dead and finally lost all my faith with God…….. now every question is answered ……. and after that my mind was clear and I Just don’t care anymore all the envy, the reasoning the hate the questions everything just disappeared and also the very reason to live… i have no future anymore…its too late for me im just mentally exhausted i tried to die the very day i was released from that institute pretend that im stable enough to walk outside again… i was planning to end it but before that i told my self…… ill take back my 18 years of time first my childhood few of my dreams and now as i crawl in this god forsaken world just few more and i can finally free my self from this world and about my family…….it didnt change nor the tried to understand me or even question whats happening me but its ok its too late anyway and i just dont care anymore…. just few more, im enjoying my life right now as i tried to take back few wasted years…and i nearing my end ill probably enjoy my remaining years and wont live to see my 30th birthday… im 26 years old few years to go and i can finally end it all
I may sound pathetic but im just a Human and on the weak side….after all i was raised like i wasn’t supposed to exist
I told a group of friends about my attempt which I totally regretted and want to move forward from. Â I told a few people and everything was okay. Â I made the mistake of telling more people that I respect and go to for advice… but they don’t know me as well. Â Anyways, I now feel like a leper. Â I can tell that certain people don’t want me around their families any more and that they are uncomfortable when they are around me. Â How are you supposed to move forward if opening up has so many negative consequences?
The walls of this house haunt me…They reflect every memory and mistake. As a child, the pictures on the walls, made me feel lucky. Like I was truly loved. Sooner than a young child should, I learned they were the mask, the mask over an unhappy home. The pictures scream at me… Telling me, remember before? When you were innocent and things were simple… They also tell me, keep up this bravado, be strong even when the mirror breaks you down, when every word from her mouth is trashing you.
But.. in all honesty I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO BE BRAVE, putting up with all of this pain, I…. I am just of tired pretending, I am not small anymore. I don’t idolize the Disney princesses, I can’t just wish that everything will get better. I need to try and fix myself, But I am nothing. I am weak, just ask the mirror, that evil b*tch will tell you every secret I have ever kept. Every detail about me… Me and My Mask.. I guess I’m a lot more like her than I thought… Fake, A Liar, Weak.. ME, in all my glory…
And again the cycle is repeated. The nights are the worst. That’s when the thoughts are prevalent. And what is it that stops me? It’s the idea of my body. No one deserves to find a loved one dead,especially if it’s at his own hand. Children need to live happy lives,not be scarred and tortured with gruesome images. No one deserves this pain. I want my life to be extinguished. The pain doesn’t matter because in the end I will succeed. The nights get colder and colder. My sheets aren’t enough. There is no warmth in my heart,just a void that never seems to end. The ice numbs me down to nothing. It hurts so much. I don’t belong amongst the living. These people all have dreams and goals that they want to accomplish.Me? Not a single fucking thing. Who was I kidding with art…there was never a fucking chance that I would ever survive with that. “Follow your heart” Yeah well that’s the problem. I keep on listening to the shattering yells of my heart. Why does everything turn out to be painful? What happened to the Eden I was in? Did I do something wrong? Of course I did. What didn’t I do? What didn’t I say? Truly,there is no way for redemption. The scars are here to remind me of my pain. To remind me that I lack the balls to finish it all. It really is simple. Just fall down. Fall down and crash. Surely that’s the easiest way. And again the frost of the night crashes against me. Slowly I’m losing everything that’s me. It’s what attracted you,and now I’m making sure that no one else makes the same mistake. Videogames are a waste of my time. I don’t need them. That was the only thing keeping me alive. I could escape from the world..but now I can’t. Every time I try to run away I always find you. You are in the games…in the anime..in my art…you are everywhere and I can’t escape. It’s like dying day after day. I awake with perseverance and I end the night with hopelessness. Why is that? Because I’m trying to live for the sake of the family. They are all strong…and I have hurt so many already. Every day I try to live with myself,but that’s impossible when I know I’m the reason I’m miserable. I need to eliminate the problem. Myself. I have grown to the point that I’m so secluded from everyone. I’m not who I appear to be. Putting on this mask…this fucking piece of shit charade…it’s tiring. I don’t need this pain. Why does the world get to be happy when they don’t deserve it? All they do is plague this fucking planet. Countless masses of useless creatures. How fucking pathetic. As if I am one to speak. I’m no better than any of them. I might be worse…the lowest shit stain on this planet. The ice is freezing me over. It’s gotten to the point that I avoid using the word “love”. I can’t even say it to my mother. What kind of monstrosity am I? No one deserves this. I will suffer even after death. I will vanish from existence and I will burn in hell for all eternity. There will never be an escape route for me. I’m doomed to live in this circle of hell. Doomed to live half alive. Doomed to live as a shell. Doomed to plague this world with my existence. Doomed to watch the world around me rise above me. Doomed to die and wake up day after day. Doomed to watch my light vanish into the ephemeral darkness and be engulfed..doomed to watch everyone disappear..doomed to find countless others that will abandon and forget me…no
Not ever again
Fuck this world
Fuck every single fucking thing on this useless planet.
It all needs to Vanish..
No..I need to vanish..I need to redeem myself…and only blood will redeem my sins…blood..
I never thought I would be here now. I recently turned eighteen and have been thinking about ending things lately.
You see, a few months ago I made a mistake of driving my car after working a double at work while under the influence of weed.Â I fell asleep at the wheel, crashed into a tree, and totaled my car. IÂ am now in the process of receiving a DUI, and trying to get into the ARD program. ARD is a program that will remove a DUI from your record, and allow you avoid jail time, this is for first time offenders only.
But I just feel like if I have already messed up this bad two months after I turned eighteen, what could I possibly have to look forward to in the future. What do I tell my future husband and children? I am still hiding it from my boyfriend. None of my family for friends would ever see something like this coming from me, but sometimes I just feel like all the confusion and pain would stop if I did.
Let me know your thoughts on what you would do in my situation..