Getting Away from Me

I am finally ready to physically die.   I always knew that eventually the pain of being alive would be worse than the fear of dying. I can’t take it.  I have to face the reality of my life.  After more than 40 years, no one has ever been in love with me.  I just can’t keep putting myself through each new day knowing that no one will ever touch me.  I am disgusting and worthless. I don’t even have God anymore.  How can I love Him when I know he doesn’t love me? When I know that he created me as this unlovable thing?   I am less than human.  I have tried so hard to just accept the lack of love and find something else to get joy from.  But there’s nothing that replaces love.  Why am I so ugly and stupid? I’m a fucking freak. I will never forget the words from the woman I loved. She didn’t even look at me when she told me she felt nothing for me and wished she never had to see me again.  That was more than 20 years ago. She was right to run away, and everyone I have ever wanted and cared for has done the same.  The one I care for now, she mostly looks through me rather than suffer through having to see me. And when she has no choice but to acknowledge me, it’s with pity. She tolerates the big, fat, ugly, fucking stupid mess that I am.  I prefer it when she just doesn’t see me. Her pity brings me to my knees.  I sit in the dark and scream. I wonder what my life would have been…what *I* would have been if one person loved me and wanted me?  What would it be like if she even once looked at me and wasn’t repulsed? I’ll never know. Everyone else can walk away. This is the only way I know how to get away from me.