It is horrible being so miserable. I even resent people laughing in the street these days. And that’s a TERIBBLE thing to feel towards others.  I look around and I fail to see good in anything, least myself. A common phrase i hear “it’ll all be fine, you just wait, you’ll see”. But it isn’t fine. It hasn’t been fine for a long time. I’m really well educated; apparently so smart, but can’t find employment anywhere, and put SO much effort into it, despite feeling so damn lost and worthless every moment I’m awake. I guess you just can’t mask misery.   Everyone expects that I’m going to make it big one day from my ideas. It gives them the excuse not to worry- “oh, you’ll be ok, it’ll be fine, you have so much GOING for you”. But i don’t. I’m 31, don’t have any assets, no job, a string of f**cked up relationships. I’m effectively homeless, just I live on other peoples sofas, or on the couch in the office because the little money I occasionally earn I have to spend on living, and I don’t have enough for rent. I seem to be an endless venting board for all my friends. I just listen and support all their mindless bullshit worries. And I listen because I love them, and they need a shoulder to cry on.   But when is it MY turn, i need a shoulder to f*cking cry on too.  I try and talk, and with 2 mins they’re back talking about their problems. So now, I just keep quiet. But I’m going nuts. I’m just so very very sad and alone and stressed. I know where i Should be, and I can’t get there. I just can’t.
Every single morning I wake up and thinking about killing myself, and then feel guilty that I’m so self obsessed and selfish. Every day I feel more and more alone. And i just think, where did it all go wrong. I know what it’s like to feel happy, and I’ve ruined it for myself. And it’s too late now, I can’t change this. I have been trying so HARD to change my life and get myself out of a rut. But every week, something just adds to the worry. My parents have just been made bankrupt, and mum is crying all the time, my dad drinks heavily. I feel TERRIBLE for them, and responsible that I can’t help. All of my friends are in the big well paying jobs; they’d be able to help if it was their parents. F**ck, i just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t think straight, I just can’t see a way forward. And i just want some peace and calm and a break from my own head, just for once.
17 comments
I know the feeling… of all of it. Sounds like you need new friends… not only are they not supportive, but sounds like they make you feel worse by comparison as well. Best thing you can do for your parents is be there for them…
Hello Redd,
Nice to meet you. I for one have two shoulders currently available…have go at….I am a nice crazy old lady…probably your mothers age…lol…with a real different take on most things. I had a similiar problem. One time I called a friend who I had been there for over and over and over….I just needed to download…didn’t want suggestions….or opinions….but would accept such…but in truth….I just wanted to be heard….and I started the conversation thus…”Hey Hun, really sorry but can it be my turn today?” She says, “Of course it can be. What’s the problem hun? I’m here.” I say, “I’m not looking for answers right now….but I’m soooo overwhelmed with what I am dealing with….I just need to download you know?…just to know someone’s listening?” and she again assures me that she is there for me….and in truth she is as good a friend as she can possible be….lol…but within 1 minute….I was being treated to her latest issue with how a tradesperson had treated her….I let her run on for over half an hour….and tried desperately to keep up my end of the conversation….but I was feeling worse and worse by the moment. So eventually I broke in and said,”Hey Carol….sorry but I have to get ready to go out. Could I call you later?” She says, “Sure…but wasn’t there something you wanted to talk to me about?” I said, “Don’t worry about it hun….you’ve already told me more than I had asked. I’m good. Sound familiar….and I have put my life on the line more than once for this particular friend. But they cannot deal with my crap….simple….they don’t understand…..and are too scared to listen….so….thank God for the SP. All done yakking for the moment….your turn….still got two open shoulders and I’m definitely not madeof sugar….I am listening….and so are many others….have go at.
I Wait
Amakua
My god, i think I actually just smiled. What a fabulous email, and great to know I’m not the the only one with friends that can’t see past their own noses. I guess its just everything on top of everything at the moment and its so damn overwhelming. I wish I just had the stability of one good thing- you know? Like when you’re jobs a bit shit one day, but then you’re totally in love with someone. Or you’re going through a break up, but you’re job is good so you can throw youself into it so forget. Or everything is rubbish, but you’re friends pull you up….. over this last 18 months, everything has come crashing down. Add to that the big stick i like to beat myself with daily (metaphor) and I’m ready to shoot myself. Well, actually, it’d probably be some other method…. Just really trying to find my feet again, but this is helping. So glad to have stumbled across this site…. x
Have you considered renting a room in someone elses house or living with random roomates. thats what i have to do, it sucks but its cheap. as for your parents that sucks, but sometimes as shitty as bankruptcy is it can be a fresh start. you can’t change your circumstances right now, but you can be there to help them out emotionally.
Thank you also Stef. Rent here anywhere is just out of budget for me. But thanks for your idea… And i don’t see you being condemning x
just an fyi im not trying to be condemning just trying to be a good shoulder….if im being useless just let me know and ill shut up lol
You can have my shoulder as long as you promise not to cry too much and get snot on my new jacket.
Let’s see if we can help you get a job.
Start drafting your CV. Include all relevant experience. Find all available jobs online and apply for all of them. In your covering letter explain why you want the job and why they should employ you. They get hundreds of applications so make sure you are distinct.
Duke, I do have a lot of snot, I think you should take you’re jacket off, just to be on the safe side. .. but thank you for the advice, its appreciated.
When you have sent the applications, sit back, eat a marmalade sandwich and wait for the phone to ring.
You have all this time, start writing. The best things in this world are free. Be creative.
Hey Redd,
So glad….I love to smile and laugh when I can…just can’t always do it…but never quit trying…that’s me. I just got here a few weeks ago myself….and pretty slow here. But learning patience…lol….can’t wait til you meet all the others…lol…wonderful. That being said…I have to run out for a few minutes…but I will be back….and many of us have our shoulders bared…or jacketed…lol…just let er rip….we are listening….for sure
You are Loved….You are Love
Amakua….you just made my day…..wheeeeee brb
Hi Amakua
I’ve been meaning to ask. Is there any reason for your name. Unless it was given to you at birth the kudos to your parents.
As for me i like padington bear and he is famous for marmalade sandwiches. Also there’s a five time group 1 winning race horse who was my favourite as he was tough and overcame injury.
@Duke….just for you I will explain…..lol…I have 7 names….Amakua is a combination of all 7 personalities if you will…lol…it is a bastardization of Aumakua…and I loved Paddington as well…lol…I got the marmalade references for sure…and didn’t I already suggest that you use your winnings from the track to buy a new computer…lmao
In Hawaiian mythology, an Ê»aumakua ( /aʊˈmÉ‘ËkuËÉ™/; often spelled aumakua) is a family god, often a deified ancestor. The Hawaiian plural of Ê»aumakua is nÄ Ê»aumÄkua ([naËˈʔÉumaËˈkuwÉ™]), although in English the plural is usually Ê»aumakuas. NÄ Ê»aumÄkua frequently manifested as animals such as sharks or owls. NÄ Ê»aumÄkua were worshipped at localities (often rocks) where they were believed to “dwell”. The appearance of an animal one regarded as an Ê»aumakua was often believed to be an omen (of good or ill). There are also many stories of nÄ Ê»aumÄkua (in animal form) intervening to save their descendants from harm. It was extremely bad luck to harm a manifested Ê»aumakua.
NÄ Ê»aumÄkua were thus animals, places or rocks, and people. Ancient Hawaiians would have seen no contradiction in a powerful spirit being able to appear as all three, switching from form to form as convenient—as is indeed seen in many stories of gods and demigods.
A symbiotic relationship exists between person and ʻaumakua, the personal guardians of each individual and their family and the ancient source gods from whom Hawaiians were descended.
If family ʻaumakua, these manifestations were not harmed or eaten; in turn, ʻaumakua warned and reprimanded in dreams, visions, and calls.
“Ê»AumÄkua are intimate members of the human family, spiritual relationships with them are especially close and their presence is sought for feast and festivity, as well as in time of crisis. They act as healers and advisors, counteracting troubles and punishing faults.” -J. Gutmanis
Just don’t tell any one hehehehe
@Redd….when my kids pushed me to the limit of my patience…lol…order was returned by me hollering….”Where is my big stick? Get me my big stick please!” and they would scatter…lol….I think I actually spanked 4 times…not bad for 3 kids eh?….loved the big stick reference….did your Mom have a real one or an imaginary one like me?….lol…can’t wait to hear your story. My mom was a teacher….we had the strap at home…lol
Namaste
Amakua
ah crap Duke…lol…no MPD here….already been cleared by 4 psychiatrists…lol…final diagnosis….extremely silly at times…not kidding
all my personalities are aware of each other and usuallywork together…lol…but sometimes one will come to the fore…the most obstinate is Aine….you may have met her…and she may have used her own name from time to time….this isn’t helping is it?…lmao….i swear…i’ll get my psych records and send them to you…lol
I Give
Amakua
Redd.
Methinks you beat yourself up too much.
About things that are beyond your control.
Does not make it any easier to deal with but the thing is unless you are one of the elite, you have limited control over your financial stability.
Anything could come and wipe you out any moment.
Even with great education, skills, and intelligence.
It is the circumstances which have failed you.
And considering your situation your friends could be more considerate respectively speaking.
I know theirs is their pain but to never let you vent, is incorrigible.
You can cry on my shoulder. It;s wide and roomy and your tears will not stain my black sweatshirt. And i have plenty of tissue for the snot.
BTW have you and your folks considered moving elsewhere? I know funds are short but maybe using the last and picking up and going somewhere else more favorable?
Sometimes relocation does help and might allow all of you to find better and more sustained economic support.
I would invite you to my automated nation of paradise and fun but I haven;t been able to create it yet.
It seems to me (and I could be way off base here) that you’ve been trying to live up to others expectations of you. Perhaps it’s time to start working out what YOU want and wh you want to be. Just a thought (and sorry it’s not very practical but I don’t really have anything to add to what others have said).
Good luck (and keep talking, it can help).
@ Amakua all of your personalities make you special. I have two aunties in Canada and if I win on the track I will visit them. But I will stop at Toronto on the way so you can see for yourself exactly who I am and what I am trying to do.
@ Red I’m sorry but I cannot allow you to get snot on my jacket. What I can do however is help you find a job. Email me if you beef help. If I take time to respond it’s nor cuz I’m ignoring you. It’s my old university email and it’s difficult to access from an iPhone.