In case it helps others.

For over a year now I have been writing a short suicide note that has turned into 11 pages long.  I will not bore you with the whole thing but I will post the things that have bothered me for the last year. See if any of this seems familiar.

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This is really getting ridiculous; I have been working on this suicide note for over a year.

The final day I intend to act on this, I will contact the bank and cancel all future payments to all my creditors.  Done as of Dec 21, 2011

I assign my sister Janice as executor of my estate and may take whatever necessary to cover her expenses. All my possessions may be sold at auction.

I also give her my power of attorney.

 

Today is Monday December 5, 2011.

These are the things that irk and trouble me at this time. (Off the top of my head, in no order)

1                   I am broke. I have no steady work and cannot live off social security and a couple of hours work a week. My rent gobbles up $1325 of my $1385 SSI check.

2                   Food is too expensive to eat healthy.

3                   My doctor says I have type-two diabetes. My blood work is terrible.

4                   I have so many cavities that almost every tooth has one. I cannot afford a dentist.

5                   I have intermittent agonizing pain in my knees and often hyper extend.

6                   I have really bad pain in my shoulders and greatly reduced range of motion.

7                   I have intermittent agonizing pain in random spots all over my body every day for no reason.

8                   My vision has changed and my distance sight is blurry.

9                   I had my eyes examined and new glasses purchased but the right eye is blurry.

10              The optometrist says that my prescription is correct even though I can’t see clearly.

11              I spend about 20 hours a day in bed.

12              I cannot afford heating oil and have set my thermostat to 50 degrees. I am freezing most of the time. My hands, toes and nose are freezing…and this is only December.

13              My depression is getting worse. I can’t get going.

14              Except going to work, (when I get it,) I am totally paralyzed to doing anything around the house. I keep telling myself to move but I just sit there and swear that I will do it tomorrow.

15              I have thrown out most of my dishes and silverware rather than wash them.  I now only use paper plates and one Teflon frying pan. Why can’t I get my ass in gear???

16              I would like to just get in my car and drive to Florida, but I can’t leave all my stuff. DUH, I will leave it when I die.

17              I feel totally helpless. The bill collectors are calling every day and I have threatening letters from everyone including the tax man. I have no money and I can’t escape.  I will not live on the street or sponge off anyone else. Apart from suicide, the only other thing that I can think of is committing a non-violent crime and make sure I get caught and hope that I get sentenced to prison for a few years. I don’t think that I would like prison however, and having sex with guys is not my thing.

18              Continual disturbing and frustrating dreams every night for at least the past ten years. The dreams always contain images of things blocking my way, which I cannot get around. I keep a tape recorder at the head of my bed to record any happy dreams.

19              I have slept alone every night for the last 30 years.  11 thousand nights.

20              I have eaten every meal alone for 30 years.   33 thousand meals.

21              I do at least 99% of everything alone.

22              I have no friends in the true sense of the word.

23              I have zero people as a support group.           12/21/2011

24              It has been at least 15 years since my last hug. 20 years since a romantic kiss.

25              Virtually nothing is fun anymore; I am on cruise control waiting for the end.

26              Apart from winning a lottery, I can see nothing that would make me happy.

27              My doctor says I should get out among people more, but I need money for that.

28              Now the car I just bought has started spluttering and has a check engine light

29              To pass inspection, I have to fix the horn, replace brakes on all wheels, and replace the exhaust pipe that has a noisy hole in it.

30              I can see no financial way out of this or how to continue. I am broke.

31              Listening to the CNN news, the country is going to hell and the politicians are playing partisan games rather than trying to fix the problems. They are all corrupt.

32              I was going to get it done yesterday but, but my only friend that still talks to me on a regular basis had to go into hospital for a serious operation and I wanted to visit her to pick up her spirits…so once more I had to put it off for a few days.  I do not want to go past the end of the year.

33              I may decide to do one more live TV Show Tues. 27 Dec. 11

34              I have been having serious pain spasms under my ribs if I turn the wrong way. It does not hurt when I breath or cough, but I cannot breath when it happens and it is like flash bulbs are going off and I am paralyzed for a moment by the pain.

35              We fuck me, I just checked my ******** bottle and it is almost empty. Now I will have to get it refilled. Nothing seems to be going right. What else is new?

 

36              1/3/2012 – I have been investigating and find that Helium is supposed to work better.

 

37              I just checked my bank account and I have only $235 left.  No more money coming in.

 

38              I just cancelled all my payments to creditors.

 

39              I do have $785 in a separate account but that belongs to my neighbor across the road that cut my grass all year and shoveled snow off my sidewalk. I wrote him a check, but he is slow cashing it. Still, I do not want to screw him out of it since he put labor into it.

 

40              I will be picking up a cylinder of Helium tomorrow from the party- balloon store.  A large cylinder will set me back about $36. Since I am only a week away from going I can make my money last until then.  I have set aside 3 sleeping pills, not enough to kill me but enough to make me sleep through dying.  That sounds really strange.

 

41              I spent the last 69 of 72 hours in bed asleep. I missed New Year. I have been having some killer pains under my ribs when I move wrong so I have stayed in bed. My doctor gave me some muscle relaxers that seem to knock me out and make me dizzy. She did nothing for my sinus infection and told me to “Ride it out.”  I really did not want to be sick when I die. Hahaha.

 

42              I have really got to clean up this house that I have not cleaned in the last six months.

 

43              I recently found a website called    suicideproject.org  It is for people to post when they are contemplating their final exit.  My screen name is Deadright.  I find it very therapeutic being able to speak my mind to others in the same boat as me and to also offer some encouraging advice to some of the younger people.  One is only twelve years old and wants to die. That is way too young to give up on it all and see no future. I feel sad.

 

44              Fri. 6 Jan.  Well it is getting down to the wire now; about a week and I should be gone.  Today I will write my own obituary since I wish to speak kindly of myself.

 

45              Wed. Jan 25, more delays. Having problems getting the correct gas flow gage.

 

46              Last night, I did one last TV show. It was pretty good.

 

47              Still having problems getting off my ass and cleaning this house. I really need to.

 

48              I wish that doctors had an anti-procrastination pill that they could give me. I am so angry with myself for not being able to fight through this inaction.

 

49              Well I gave my neighbor over 6 months to cash the check I gave him, but he has not. I transferred all funds into one account. He loses out, but I did give him over six months.

 

50              It looks like it will cost about $750 to cremate myself (not literally).

 

51              Tomorrow I will go pay a crematorium to burn my butt so my sister does not get stuck with the expense. It looks like my neighbor will be supplying the funds.

 

52              I still keep dragging my ass instead of getting off it.

 

53              I tried buying 5 lottery tickets this past week to see if my bad luck has changed.  NO.

54      🙁