I have a pain I can’t explain
It eats me up inside
It empties me and drains me dry
To a point where there’s nothing left to hide
It makes me high
To a point where I feel low
I gaze and stare
I’m mesmorized
At something that’s not there
But no one cares
Or do they even know?
I cease to show
My pain
The pain inside I can’t define
It takes my heart and grinds it fine
& Spreads it ’round, leaves me down
To a point where there’s every reason to frown
It makes me drown
It a pool of endless pain
It makes me sink
I’m drowning now
In a sea that’s ten years deep
But no one knows
Or do they even care?
I cease to share
The pain.
I wrote this poem when I was fifteen. I am in my twenties now, and I plan to end the pain. I will be leaving this world soon. I enjoyed the little good that I experienced in this existence, and I’m okay with catching the bus outta here. I have a quick, relatively painless method I plan to use. I just wanted to share this poem, as I’ve never shared these thoughts in such an open forum.
6 comments
Hello Anomalous,
Wow! I am jealous. I am jealous of anyone who has such an ability with words and emotions. Sorry to hear about your pain…and I do care….just don’t know how to help. One thing I’m not going to do is try to talk you out of your travel plans….if you’re anything like me you wouldn’t listen anyway…lol. But I would like to ask you one small favour if you wouldn’t mind. Could you tell me about some of the good that you experienced in spite of your pain? It might help me to understand my own situation better.
Also until you leave, would you like to try to share your pain again? I know there are no words to describe the feelings….this is why I ask….you seem to have more ability in describing this than most.
Namaste
Amakua
Thank you for sharing this before you decided to end it all.. I think I’ll be saving it for myself because it’s so beautiful and melancholy.
Good luck with your path. I wish you well.
Thank you both 🙂
The good that I have experienced is what makes it easier to go. I found love. I still have this love despite everything around me being in shambles. This is why it is easier to go. I wrote another note explaining a little bit more detail about my situation but it doesn’t really get into specifics. Everyone’s life is a challenge, I realize, so I’m not trying to minimize anyone else’s struggles. I’m just at the end of *my* rope. I don’t know how to overcome this, and losing what little control I did have makes the future look bleak. My perspective of the world is more pessimistic than most. I’m not religious either, although I once was (but it was a false comfort and actually added more pain to my existence). Freedom is an illusion in this world. True freedom from this existence will come when I am gone.
Hey anomalous,
Just my opinion….but those who suffer the most and love the most….seem to have the most to offer. Why is that do you think? See if you can get anything out of this…it’s a tough one….lol
The truth is that life is hard and dangerous; that those who seek their own happiness do not find it; that those who are weak must suffer; that those who demand love will be disappointed; that those who are greedy will not be fed; that those who seek peace will find strife; that truth is only for the brave; that joy is only for those who do not fear to be alone; that life is only for the one who is not afraid to die.
Sorry I had to steal other’s words….don’t have many of my own unlike you.
I keep thinking “spiritual crisis”. Does that mean anything to you? How did you lose what little control you did have?
Let me know
Amakua
I wrote similar poems when I was younger. No one wants to hear them because they don’t know how to process. But you listed your poem in the one place where it will be appreciated and understood.
I have a question for you… I’ve written a novel about a suicidal young woman. It’s not all depressing. She has some fun and good times, but when the rug is pulled out from under her good times, she sinks fast. Most writer’s groups can’t understand it. Do you think other suicidal persons would want to read a novel that expresses how they feel? My purpose is to let them know that they are not alone. Anyone who hasn’t felt the pain you and I have endured, cannot fathom how it hurts.
If you succeed, I hope it’s painless. It’s really hard to kill oneself because the survival instinct can surface fast.
Hi Amakua,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. This life simply doesn’t have anything for me. I tried to assimilate, but it’s not what I really want. The kind of world I want is not possible, it’s unrealistic. I do not have the strength to continue in a world where I’ve been used, abused, and thrown out despite my best efforts. I have to go now.
@Vendura: Your novel sounds interesting; you should work on getting it published. Thank you for wishing me a painless death. I hope for this too.