Suicide obsession…

I’m 19 now and I’ve been obsessed with suicide for about 28 months (to be precise :P) I don’t remember how it began… when I was 16 I started feeling depressed, literally because I hated myself, especially my appearance. I remember crying every time I looked in the mirror and crying randomly in public. I didn’t tell anyone… I don’t like talking about my problems to people I know well. Another reason I hated myself so much was because I felt so odd. I got so frustrated with myself and my inability to hold a conversation. I didn’t ever think of suicide at that time though. I was depressed but it never crossed my mind to be honest. Then a couple of months after I turned 17, I started to become fascinated with suicide. Like I said, I can’t remember how it began. I would search news articles on people who commited suicide, listen to bands whose singers commited suicide, watch movies involving depression/suicide, search popular suicide spots, ect… I’m still exactly the same now, even though I’m not suicidal, surprisingly. I’m generally unhappy but I don’t want to die right now. It’s not only suicide I’m fascinated with to be honest, it’s the general idea of ‘live fast, die young’. I actually don’t feel suicidal but the idea of dying before 30 or so fascinates me… I no longer feel the same as I did when I was 16, as in I don’t look in the mirror and cry and I don’t cry in public. I still hate my appearance and I hate how socially inept I am but I can deal with it now. I guess I’ve ‘become comfortably numb’. I’m so weird, instead I should be obsessed with make up or fashion or something…  I sometimes feel like I was put on this earth to be the female equivalent of Kurt Cobain. I’m a freak, maaaan!