bex21

Well, I’m not sure if any of you guys can remember a young woman on here that went by the name of bex21, but a month ago today, her life ended due to overdose. On that night, January 17th, at about 2030, she emailed me and begged me to reply, telling me she had already done what needed to be done and she was playing the “waiting game” and she only had an hour or two left to live. She was in a lot of pain. I emailed her and we sent messages back and forth for about 2 hours, sharing each other’s stories, but mainly trying to keep her calm and comfortable. The whole time I had tears running down my face. Here, I had this beautiful, bright, young woman dying as I was talking with her and there was nothing I could do to help but keep her company. At 2232, I received the final email I was ever going to get from her, telling me that she was sorry for telling me everything she told me and for expecting me to be able to cope with everything. Tears ran down my face even more as I was sitting there in my room in the pitch dark all alone, waiting for another email from her. I never heard from her again. I still think about her every day.

For days following her death, I wrote “bex21” on my hand and I had so many people ask what that meant. Yesterday, I took a blade of a pair of scissors cut a “1” into my shin since its been one month. Its about 2 inches high and the base is about 2 inches wide. I don’t believe I’ll ever understand why she chose me to talk to her during her darkest hour. I’d said one thing to her before and it really wasn’t much. I just told her she was strong and I left my email for her to contact me if she needed anything. Maybe that was it. It’s an experience I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for though. It’s kind of comforting to know that you were able to provide someone with company and a small sense of relief and calmness during their final hour of life. I’ll never understand why I didn’t get nervous either. Like her, I was so calm, but she didn’t have a choice of whether or not she wanted to be. She was tired and just wanted to die. I normally would’ve been scared, but that night I wasn’t, and there’s no way to explain it. Anyways, our message here, lift whoever you can, whenever you can. You never know when their final hour will be.