I’ve always enjoyed travelling, especially travelling on long distance buses or trains,  just watching the scenes outside the window flew by, there is a sense of calmness to it by being still on this side of the window, and a feeling of safety.  whatever happens outside  the window is just a passing scene,  the beautiful, the dirty, the boring, the spectacular……..just passing away, passing away at a fast speed.  nothing mattered.  the dreary part is arriving, especially at strange big cities, now must get on my feet and get out and be involved with the scenery, it’s scary, uncomfortable, lonely…….how nice would it be […]
Tag:
Calmness
The driver had taken two candyflips earlier that day (acid and molly tabs) at the show. After the show, we went to an after party at someone’s house. Driver may have drank, I don’t know. But by the time I had to go, it was much after three in the morning…he wasn’t high anymore, just tired from being so high. We left, and he was swerving all over the place. My anxiety with cars has always been pretty bad, so my voice got caught in my throat and I couldn’t tell him to pull over. I closed my eyes on the highway after valley west […]
so i love swimming, i realized why i love it so much. the water. the pool in my neighborhood is HUGE and the area around it is big to i love to run from the gate and a huge leap in the air and be swallowed by the water while im under water thoughts rush through my mind and i can think. its so peaceful and i feel safe. i love swimming but only under water, the feeling of be short of air,the calmness of not hearing anyone call my name to do stuff for them. its amazing. nothing else like it. i love the […]
cuz my parents almost break down into tears when they see a report bout deaths on the news and cause i can keep my sanity and calmness aparently im not empathetic and im heartless and uncaring. are my parents right? its stupid i do care im just not going to mourn about it. im so sick of my parents saying im a careless heartless unempathetic person.
Well, I’m not sure if any of you guys can remember a young woman on here that went by the name of bex21, but a month ago today, her life ended due to overdose. On that night, January 17th, at about 2030, she emailed me and begged me to reply, telling me she had already done what needed to be done and she was playing the “waiting game” and she only had an hour or two left to live. She was in a lot of pain. I emailed her and we sent messages back and forth for about 2 hours, sharing each other’s stories, but […]
I have an obsession with darkness. In the dark or at night there is a calmness. Something you can’t see or touch. But it is there. Of course nights are also filled with pain. With the realization that the loneliness is never ending. I sometimes dread the night. Knowing I will be forever alone. Lost in the darkness. No comfort. No solutions. Just lost and alone throughout eternity. This isn’t a life. This is a curse.
It’s been one big shit storm the past few months, with the past few weeks bringing more pain than I could bare. I botched an attempt two weeks ago which landed me in the hospital. As a result I have lost my apartment, my health insurance, my disability and my sanity. At almost 6 months pregnant my only options are to depend on my mentally unstable grandmother for assistance, and a “mother” who has her own life sort out. The pain, and uphill battle are too much to bare at this point, and I have checked into a hotel this evening with my helium materials […]