Hi boys and girls, my name is Nathan. I suck and fail at life. I hate this bullshit, i’ve been struggling with this life for so long. I’m just 21 go to university, i’m studying to become an elementary school teacher. My intelligence is too low to get something higher than that. When i was little i was planning to become a doctor, i dreamed about being so many things but God made me a loser, he didn’t gave me a talent and that’s why no one is interested in me. I fail in everything but the worst is that my lack of talent is not the only reason, i wasted my life going to church on sundays, i wasted my life masturbating, i wasted my time as a child playing with my fucking dinosaurs instead of being outdoors learning to skate or IMPROVING my basketball skills, i wasted my life doing nothing. Now i can’t play an instrument of music, i’m terrible in everything, recently i believed i had some singing talent but people don’t comment and friends never tell me nothing so i guess i’m not that good. I made several videos on facebook, i sang popular songs and no one had the kind heart to tell me that i suck at it or that i’m good at it, i had no feedback and it really hurts my own self-confidence because i don’t know where am at. My own little brother believe he sings better than me, but i know he sucks. How can I be sure anyway? Maybe i’m just deeply stupid and unable to realize who’s good and who’s not. I’m bad at everything, i suck at chess, everyone can beat me, my 3 years younger brother defeated me 4 times on 5. Even when i try hard, i always end up getting defeated, i can’t be the number one in anything. Very few things i’m good at it, but even there God always place the opportunities where i will end up dominated. I’m tired of this shit. Peoplle in my courses are mostly females, i feel so gay of being following this classes. I am unable of build, unable of fixing a tv, fixing a computer, i wish i had a man job, but my parents are pushing me to get my master degree :(  I learned nothing because i wasted my life, i got no skills , i suck at all sports, at soccer i have hard time in being part of the game. No ones gives me the ball when we play because they know i will lose it stupidly. I’m hispanic and being a shit in soccer hurts my ego so bad. I cried so many times because i made a fool of myself on the field in front of all my ”friends”. I can’t believe i’m where am at.
4 girls, i’m just uninteresting, i got no cool experience to share. I have a very fit physique but girls don’t care about that. I am very bad at talking to girls, my sentences are not even fluid because i’m just ankward and dumb. I don’t have any intelligence, people realize that very quickly. When they see me walking around, they never come and see me, i feel that i’m humbling myself when i’m the one coming at them. People ignore me when they get the chance. I’ve witnessed people i know act as they didn’t saw me passing by, i always try to be friendly but it’s never enough. This shit hurts me because it reminds me how shitty and how pathetic i am. No one wants to hang out with me…. whatever i say, whatever i suggest no one takes into consideration because they see me and they know i have the intelligence of an uneducated loser. If male pals don’t want me, girls ignore me even more and now i can understand why:
– I don’t have a skill , i don’t have a talent
-I am clearly stupid, my IQ is lower than average
-I don’t have a lot of money
-I’m unnattractive ( not sure but i’ve been called ”ugly” by several people, kids in the place i’ve worked called me laughing ”ugly boy”_kids are 100% honest, girls tell me that i’m not their type when i invite them to have a drink with me, so my conclusion is that i’m just ugly)
AND…..
I can’t even dance salsa! I can’t dance because of my church life. I feel too old to learn all the things i’ve missed
I feel unsatisfied with my whole existence, my tasteless routine is making my soul sweat , i feel tired of my existence.  I want to kill myself but i know that i will rot in hell for eternity if i do it. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I am christian, a real one, no one can judge me on that. My mother loves me so much and that’s why i don’t feel the strenght to slit my wrists, my father loves me too but he knows that i will never satisfy him. I feel like a loser and i always had a very low self-esteem because i failed even when i tried hard. As a child i was weak, had a good memory but i feel like a lost all my intelligence. I never took any drugs and i don’t understand why i am the way i am.  I feel like a piece of shit, i am tired of torturing my mom with my ”low-self esteem queer speech”.I feel like climbing a very high building and see how high i can get with no equipment, like Dan Osman i will go raw, no fear, no gear, if i fall and i die this was my hour and i don’t give a fuck.
5 comments
Powerful writing… ‘soul sweat’ etc.
So very very hard on yourself, judging yourself from the outside rather than closing your eyes and feeling from the inside – experiment with what brings you joy and comfort enough to forget about the looking at yourself from such a far and cold impersonal distance.
Intelligence, looks, money… where is love, compassion, humor?
You are not responsible for you parents hopes, dreams, the things they perhaps they cannot help but try and live through you.
Nathan.
Your only stumbling block is your lack of self esteem.
From your post I can see you do not lack intelligence. In fact you express yourself very well.
And nobody wins at everything.
You are being too hard on yourself about being the best.
You can still be a doctor. There are different fields in medicine and just go for one that seems to interest you.
Since you played with dinosaurs as a child maybe you could get a PHD. in traveling the world and digging up bones. Or develop a new theory on how dinosaurs relate to the world at large.
And for all those things you think you fail at, just pick some to take some time to master them. People have different levels of talent and you may just have to put in more effort to master what you want to learn. And that does not guarantee you being the best, but when you are able to do those things easily you will feel victory in yourself that you have done so.
Nathan I can talk all day. But until you get in the mirror and look inside your soul and see how worth more you are nothing will change.
Others cannot see the great guy you are until you see it first. And to tell the truth as long as you know that you are a wonderful person others opinions are of less importance.
To you I would suggest looking for a counselor or a mentor who can help you to realize your own value.
PS Salsa is a feeling, a gift to yourself wrapped in the music of muscians throughout the ages.
Salsa is not an accomplishment. Once you relax a bit I’m guessing you’ll understand.
Hello I’m another person out of the 7 billion that is blessed with an average iq and talent spectrum. Feeeels great -.-
Hi there… I looked at your story and it’s pretty similar to what’s been going on with me… Living with the shame of failing to the pipnt where you question the purpose of your existence… I’m not going to tell you there’s a magical answer but if you want to talk let me know