My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
Lyrics:
Everyday nothing seems to change
Everywhere I go I keep seeing the same old things
and I, I can’t take it no more
I would leave this town, but I,
I ain’t got nowhere else to go
–
Wake up in the morning to more,
more bad news and I
sometimes I feel like I was born to lose and I,
It’s driving me out of my mind
Gonna catch the next train and I
move on down the line
–
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be ready when my train pulls in
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be ready when my train pulls in
I know my time ain’t long and I,
I can’t live this life again – no, no, no
—
Walkin’ down the street you might wanna cross a smiling face, but they’ll
stab you in the back as soon as you turn – walk away – and I
Oh Lord, it’s bringing me down
If things don’t change around here
ain’t no use in me hanging ’round
–
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be ready when my train pulls in
I’ll be ready now
I’ll be ready when my train pulls in
I know my time ain’t long around here and I,
I can’t live this life again – no, no, no
I am 16 and in a week I’ll be 17.
Today my dad spoke with my teachers and talked about how I’m doing in school (grade 11).
The usual stuff they say:
• I’m quiet
• I sit alone (in some classes)
• I don’t participate in classes
those kind of things.
My teachers also said how bad I’m doing. And my parents didn’t react that well.
My dad is pissed at me.
And my mum hates me. She always says that “I’m useless” and that “no one will hire me for a job” and that “I’ll be picking up garbage and living on the streets.” And she’s always adds that “I’ll be dead and I won’t have to see you suffer.”
It hits me hard and usually I wait til she cools down and make her talk about something else when we’re having a conversation.
But lately, she has been ranting about me and how I’m a failure.
And she is right.
That’s why I hate myself. I’m too scared to commit suicide but I always think about killing myself. I almost cut myself once, but that would be bad if people ever found out. So I just cry at night and when I’m mad I clench my fists and take deep breaths until it goes away.
I know my mum secretly hates me. She dislikes me at the very least. But I know she wishes I was more than what I am. I think she wishes I was more like my cousin. My cousin is a good example of what she wants me to be. She is only a few months older than me and we are fairly close. My cousin is doing well in school, has a job, volunteers at Salvos, she is pretty, goes to a youth group, is confident, etc.
But I am completely opposite. I am failing school. I never had a job, and I would get one, but I’m ugly and fat, thus my mother saying, “no one will hire you” and that I’m “fat”. I don’t go out often and I’m shy. I have lost a little weight, but not fat. I was fasting the other week and barely ate anything, but I stopped because I heard I could gain more weight from fasting. I’m shy and quiet but I try to talk to other students but they seem to not pay any attention to me. I have friends but most of them drifted away or barely talk to me. I’m the person who walks behind everyone and gets left behind and doesn’t get invited to hang out.
I know people who have it worse, and I was tempted to go to the school counsellors once, but I never did. No one ever notices me, but when they do, they see nothing or look at me with disgust.
I have to push those suicidal feelings away, but one day, I know I won’t be able to handle it anymore.
you’re a loser because you haven’t accomplished much in life? Maybe loser isn’t the right word, but you see everyone else being successful and making something of their lives.
Some people have either obtained a good career, that great husband/wife/children they’ve always wanted, happiness and contentment, or obtained an ego that doesn’t give a shit what other people think. Heck, even that stupid “cash me outside” girl has gained fame and notoriety. It just seems like everyone, including 2-bit YouTubers, have done something with their lives, and I haven’t. I feel so stuck in my depression and loneliness and fuckupedness. I feel like I’m stuck in a wet sandpit while everyone else is on the racetrack. Or at least frolicking happily around in a park.
Success and accomplishment aren’t everything. But if I’m going to be depressed, I’d at least want to accomplish something. But the irony of depression is that if you’re depressed, you’re typically too depressed to do anything. -_-‘
So i dont know how this works so i am gonna start off by saying why i wanna get run over by a bus. You see i fucked up my life big time by my own hands last year and also this year. even when i could see that i was ruining my life i didnt stopped. its like i was enjoying watching myself get rekt. i am so fuking stupid! my dad finally decided its better off that i leave college cuz becoming a graduate is not for me. then coming to MY ABUSIVE JERK OF A BOYFRIEND. yea it would require another post to describe the habits of my boyfrnd. well everybody who knows him advises me to leave him. but you know why i cant leave him? because i am afraid that if i leave him then i am not gonna find anyone else to love me. well i know he doesnt really loves me. he only cares for me when he is in the mood and rest of the time argues with me and calls me a whore. i’m only there to boost his ego. i am like a tissue paper to him. i know i am a BIG FUCKING moron and even after knowing everything i am keeping my eyes closed. yep. thats how pathetic i am. basically i have no friends, my family wants to see me dead, and i dont fit anywhere, and on top of that i get bullied by my neighbours constantly, my best friend died and my dad often comes home drunk and beats me black and blue. i am a dissapointment and i constantly hoped and tried to change things. but its been stuck in this situation for a while now. i lost all my patience. i am ready to die now. but i am a coward so i cant really take my life (believe me i have attempted several times) thus if someone comes and kills me i am gonna be most happy.
P.S. i skipped many details as in how exactly i screwed up my career and what other nasty shit my boyfriend put me through and why the hell my own grandma wanted to blow my head off with a gun. i saved them for later.
I’m old now. I wasted my youth being too scared to go out and have fun. Instead i worked at a crappy department store using my money to help my family out of endless drama until I was thinking about killing myself every day. So I re enrolled in college with big plans to be a art teacher. Today I failed the $90 Praxis exam for the 4th time. I was not even close. I’ve missed the deadline to be screened into the education program again and will have to wait another year. This is the only thing I’ve ever tried to to for myself, just for me. But I failed again. I’m a loser. I live at home with my parents, I’m fat and ugly, and I don’t really have any friends. I hate myself. I want to die right now but I don’t want to go to hell or have my family have to pay back my student loans. I’m going to look into finding a way my family wont have to pay back my loans and if I can do it I think I’m going to let go. If God isn’t real and I just stopped existing I would be ok with that. Really I have been thinking about it for a long time and Not existing would be better than all this misery and pain. I don’t know I just wanted to tell someone without them calling the police on me or making me feel guilty. The only thing i am actually good at is working like a dog and spending all my money on my family. I’m a mistake.
It’s safe to say I’ve fucked up my life pretty thoroughly. To the point where it feels like there’s no way back. This is who I am. It’s not some temporary blip. It’s a consistent reflection of my thoughts and feelings.
I’m so far outside normal human life that it’s scary. I turned 28 last week, but a large part of my thinking and behaviour is still trapped in childhood. And I can’t see any way to catch up now. I can fake a degree of social confidence for a while, but it’s easy to see through. I haven’t developed any of the skills that most gradually pick up as they grow up. And people can tell when they talk to me. I’m ‘other’, there but not part of the group, to be ignored, or humoured, tolerated, but never really engaged with. They can sense that something isn’t right in me.
I’m this grotesque manchild, with the intellect of an adult but the social skills of a toddler, and it doesn’t feel like there’s a way out. I’m too far behind the curve to ever be acceptable to even the most sympathetic and open-minded. I’ve spent too much time with my own thoughts to relate normally socially, and now I’m too old and stuck in my behaviour patterns to learn the way most people do.
It would be good if life had a ‘restart’ option. But then that in itself is a childish idea born of too many hours playing video games.
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring place !
everything is all about MONEY , business , and profits only ! even though actually Life is SO MUCH MORE than that ! ie: imagination , dreams , creativity , Love , education , inspiration , helping each other , Heart & SOUL , genuine things , sharing , laughter , collaboration together , science , philosophy , and mankind / humanity / civilization make a great jump / leap forward in progress to a totally NEW era / civilization / Mankind / Humanity ! instead of only repeating the same , stupid, shallow, superficial, ignorant , narrow minded , dull , boring , petty , miniscule , & meaningless things like politics, wars about who has the most MONEY , fighting over religion , race differences, etc etc !
I used to have hope for Humanity , hope for Mankind , hope for humans , hope for people , hope for human race , hope for Mankind ‘s civilization … but now unfortunately / sadly I lose hope in humanity , lose hope for mankind , lose hope for humans , lost hope for people , lost hope for human race, losing hope for Mankind ‘s civilization ,.. Humanity is hopeless , Mankind is hopeless , human race is hopeless , human beings is / are hopeless , mankind ‘s civilization is hopeless .. !
I hate people / humans / humanity / society sometimes !
anyone also feel the same ? anyone can relate ?
(PS: have you guys also heard of some alternative movements / solutions like for example : Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project , the Zeitgeist Movement , Thrive movement , Paradigm Shift , Basic Income movement , Equal Income movement ? what do you think ? will it work out as an alternative / solution for our current society ‘s problems ? )
Life is not fair.
Life is unfair.
there is always winners & losers.
there will always be winner & loser.
so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
rather than they keep living chasing & fixing all their way too many losses, which is probably too late anyway too.
and usually losers can’t win / can never win against winners anyway .. even the “start” is already too late!!
This is the harsh truth / fact / reality .
Reality / Real life / Real world is very LIMITING / LIMITED in what we can & can’t do !
We are limited by money (rich and poor), resources, status, many other superficial & shallow things & rules and expectations in society, times & places, chances / opportunities, strings of bad luck (or lucks / lucky), and also people who don’t like us and will cheat/trick, abuse, & even trample & glad/happy to see us fall down / going down & crushed & broken !
Our IMAGINATION & FANTASY & DREAMS is always much better than reality / real life / real world !
Reality is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Reality, we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
Real life is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Real-life , we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
Real world is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Real-world, we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.”
I’m a loser, so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
I’m tired of this life / reality.
Uh..Hi fellow internet people out there….I’m new here and I’m a big loser……at least that’s what everyone says…
Anyways, I have A LOT of problems, but I try not to show them or let people know I have these problems.
I am unintelligent, ugly, shy, depressed, chubby, anti-social. and terrible at everything….
Now you know a little about me and thank you if you’re reading this
Have a good day or night,
From, LG (Losergirl)
Reality is boring & LIMITED !! I hate Reality ! boring Reality !
Real life is boring & LIMITED !! I hate real life ! boring real life !
Real world is boring & LIMITED !! I hate real world ! boring real world !
I also hate this life, I hate people / humans (well.. MOST/90% of them), I hate reality, I hate this world.
its very BORING !! and especially nowadays become ONLY very materialistic, money / profits driven only, all about money, money, money, & image, image, image! ; it’s very superficial, shallow, and mundane boring!
Why movies, video games, comics, books, novels, anime/manga, creative Art, basically human’s IMAGINATION & fantasy is often/always a hundred times FAR much more interesting & better than this sad, mundane, boring, superficial, & very LIMITING life / world / reality ??…
Why movies , video games, novels, comics, anime / manga , basically human’s IMAGINATION is FAR MUCH BETTER & more interesting than this boring Reality / real world / real life ??…
easy examples:
‘fantasy’ or ‘sci-fi (sci fi / science fiction)’ movies (or video games, anime/manga, comics, novels, books, etc etc) like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Avatar, The Matrix, Sword Art Online, MMORPG / online games, etc etc have much more interesting & UNLIMITED worlds/realms/dimension & superpowers / magic & real ‘COOL’ superheroes , than this f*cking boring reality / realworld / reallife ???
if God really exists & real, then He/She/It must have played such a cruel, sick JOKE
for creating such “other-worldly / out of this world” type of human’s IMAGINATIONS / fantasy ,
….only just to STILL trap / imprison us humans (especially the *real* smart & creative types of people) inside this f*cking damn mundane, dull, very LIMITED, & boring reality/real life/real world (and also to be placed among MAJORITY (like 90%) of f*cking stupid, shallow, superficial, dull, boring, mundane, ignorant “ordinary/normal” people/humans all around me/us ???….
fuck this… !!
please, just get me out of this reality , a cruel, sick, harsh, & boring reality … !!!
can anyone here honestly relate or think/feel the same/similar with me?
(PS: also, how many of you here also have heard about: Virtual Reality (VR) , Lucid Dreaming , Astral Projection ?
I really wish/hope those things are true … so I can enter into the world/universe of IMAGINATION, .. & bye bye boring, mundane, harsh, & limited Reality ! )
I always lose. No matter what the situation I will always lose. I don’t know what winning feels like. It’s destroying me. All my major life stages have been marked by serious catastrophic events. It’s soul destroying. My use by date is coming up.
Reality is boring & LIMITED !!
Real life is boring & LIMITED !!
Real world is boring & LIMITED !!
I also hate this life, I hate people / humans (well.. MOST/90% of them), I hate reality, I hate this world.
its very BORING !! and especially nowadays become ONLY very materialistic, money / profits driven only, all about money, money, money, & image, image, image! ; it’s very superficial, shallow, and mundane boring!
Why movies, video games, comics, books, novels, anime/manga, creative Art, basically human’s IMAGINATION & fantasy is often/always a hundred times FAR much more interesting & better than this sad, mundane, boring, superficial, & very LIMITING life / world / reality ??…
Why movies , video games, novels, comics, anime / manga , basically human’s IMAGINATION is FAR MUCH BETTER & more interesting than this boring Reality / real world / real life ??…
easy examples:
‘fantasy’ or ‘sci-fi (sci fi / science fiction)’ movies (or video games, anime/manga, comics, novels, books, etc etc) like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Avatar, The Matrix, Sword Art Online, MMORPG / online games, etc etc have much more interesting & UNLIMITED worlds/realms/dimension & superpowers / magic & real ‘COOL’ superheroes , than this f*cking boring reality / realworld / reallife ???
if God really exists & real, then He/She/It must have played such a cruel, sick JOKE
for creating such “other-worldly / out of this world” type of human’s IMAGINATIONS / fantasy ,
….only just to STILL trap / imprison us humans (especially the *real* smart & creative types of people) inside this f*cking damn mundane, dull, very LIMITED, & boring reality/real life/real world (and also to be placed among MAJORITY (like 90%) of f*cking stupid, shallow, superficial, dull, boring, mundane, ignorant “ordinary/normal” people/humans all around me/us ???….
fuck this… !!
please, just get me out of this reality , a cruel, sick, harsh, & boring reality … !!!
can anyone here honestly relate or think/feel the same/similar with me?
(PS: have any of you heard of Virtual Reality, Lucid Dreaming, Astral Projection/Travel ? )
is superhero real exist ?
are superheroes real exist ?
is superpower or magic real exist ? (like in those cool movies, games, comics, novels, books, anime / manga, etc) ?
you know, like in those ‘cool’ superhero movies : X-Men (X Men), Superman, Thor, Spiderman, Iron man, Captain America, or in those ‘cool’ fantasy / sci-fi (sci fi, science fiction) movies : Harry Potter, Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Avatar, TRON, or games like Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, etc etc ..
otherwise, fuck this boring reality / real world / real life !!
I hate reality, I hate life , I hate this very *LIMITED* & boring, mundane world !
human’s IMAGINATION like movie, video game, comics, novel, book, anime / manga etc are better than reality ??! …
I wish superhero / superheroes were real exist , because reality / life is boring !
here in this ” reality ” , it’s only all about money, money, and money. the usual boring “suit and ties” thing rules this real world. very boring !
Why movies, video games, comics, books, novels, anime / manga, basically human’s IMAGINATION & fantasy is often/always a hundred times FAR much more interesting & better than this sad, mundane, boring, superficial, & very LIMITING life / world / reality ?…
does God (if there is indeed one..) play such a cruel sick joke for especially creating human’s IMAGINATION inside our heads?? .. especially often the very creative (also often real smart & Open-minded ! ), artistic, imaginative, and “other-worldly” artistic type of people & their fantasy, sci-fi (science fiction) works and IMAGINATION !?..
can anyone here relate or think/feel the same/similar with me ?
(PS: how many of you here also have heard about: Virtual Reality (VR) , Lucid Dreaming , Astral Projection ? )
No worth in putting up with bullshit just to save nothing but a pathetic little thing ready to be thrown away. I see a lot of people marking their leaving with their birthday. Well, mine is this Tuesday. Still stumped on what I should do. I only thought of it today. I almost have no motivation to even come on SP anymore. But my mind is clearer when i expel my muddled brain somewhere. And, well, if I’m going to do it, may as we’ll keep it hidden from the real world and be able to go through with everything more easily.
I have a fucked up life.
Till my 11th class i was a good student and a person who had a lot of fucking confidence… I would say what I like infront of friends and often they get fucking angry at me.. One time i did some serious shit and talked to a friend on facebook pretending to be a girl. When he came to know about it he got angry…he fucking slaped me and i was wondering why he did that…i did not slap him back because may be i was too coward..
Other friends came and they rescued us…
I felt really low and ashamed that i could not slap my friend back…i got away from my friends…. And i started gettin isolated…i still talked to my friends but with ill heart.
When high school was over i went to another city and broke my contact with all my friends.. See how coward i was? I got away from all friends i had…i hated them or i felt ashamed of them because of that slap..im not sure…
After high school i went to pursue an accountancy degree but i failed to do it… For four fucking years i was stuck..
Those were times felt as a loser and depressed person. I kept away from everyone and became a loner …i was alone for weeks and that made me even more depressed. I had no girlfriend to cry on. My parents were in other city and i had no friends. Finally after four years i left that accountancy degree and went to pursue other business degree.
Im doing ok here..but from inside im broke..i feel as a loser… This degree is worth nothing in my country and im not goin to get a fucking job ..i feel future is dark ..still im lonely …i have made a girlfriend but i always think to lose her…to let her go because i feel i dont deserve love..i feel unworthy of love…
I cant take a decision for myself…slightest irritation makes me change my decision..im weak and lonely…im a coward and i cant stand for myself..im labled as a failure and loser among all because i wasted four fucking years of my life. I start to wonder sometimes what to do …i feel sucide is a good option because to me future is certain it feels dark. …is there a more appealing option..im took antidepressents then left them then strated again..they dont seem to work at all….where can i find peace..i want peace in my life..some times i feel so much pain in myself…i want to take a knife and bring out blood and cut my wrist ..because i feel afterwards there will be peace ..i know i should not think like that..i should feel ok..but dont know how…
One more thing which kills me is that i feel my parents are resposible for this depression and wrong decisions i took in my life…they always discouraged me and they never believed in me. They always demotivated and told me all things im bad at…i feel angry and i feel things are out of my control
Movies, books, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, etc etc, basically human’s IMAGINATIONS is a hundred times FAR much more interesting than this very LIMITING reality / real-world / real-life here in this world!
and what’s even worse is that most (about 90%) of humans / people I meet & know everyday are mostly stupid, shallow, superficial, mundane/boring, money and profits and image driven only, ignorant,.. mostly human beings especially today these days are much more bad & hopeless ..!!
(there are -thankfully/luckily?- only FEW humans/people that I like, eg: the very creative/imaginative & ‘other-worldly’ artists who created/made all those awesome fantasy, sci-fi stories, novels, books, movies, games, comics, anime/manga, etc etc..and some other types… but still, the latter could still be just another very boring, mundane, ‘worldly’ type of people/humans!).
Sometimes , no , often times I cursed myself for being highly imaginative, creative (many people also said that I’m very talented, and bright/smart/intelligent & wise ‘old-soul’ type too..) , because in this world & life that I hate, it seems that all those ‘innate talents/gifts’ of mine seems to be viewed as NOTHING IMPORTANT / SIGNIFICANT by large/mainstream society & most people today…!
We live today -ironically- in the very restricting, over-stressed, superficial/shallow, mundane, and hopeless & degrading era of humanity … and WHY shouldn’t I just kill myself now so to finally simply just f*cking shed-off this cursed limiting physical body of mine, and get out from this f*cking damn LIMITED, BORING life/world / reality ???…
(PS: I’m not an ’emo’ teenager or 20’s something, but I’m a ‘unique, weird, alien’ 32 years old Asian/chinese guy who merely always have very weird, eccentric, & imaginative mind/thinking,… and who still stays/dependent -unfortunately/sadly- in a “normal” family/parents’ house, and their so-called “job/business”, obviously for me, a f*cking damn boring, mundane everyday’s “job/business” that honestly I don’t give a f*ck / damn about it all …!!)
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety issues, as well as PTSD a few months ago now. I’ve had a doctor, a counsellor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist all working really hard with me to try and straighten some stuff out, and we were doing really well for a while there. I took all the meds, I answered all the questions, I attended every appointment, I talked, I listened, I did everything they all said. But I am so tired and so worn down, that I think I’ve finally had enough.
I cancelled my psychologist appointment this week. She is an incredibly talented woman, so good at her job. But my head is defective, so I am wasting her time. I’ll go to my last psychiatrist appointment because I can’t afford the cancellation fee, but I won’t book another. The dr and counsellor don’t even need to know.
Trying to fix this is futile. The black cloud in my head will never disappear, just be temporarily muted. There is no escape for me. Just a weight on my chest and an anchor fixed to my heart. I’m just waiting now, for when my plans are backed with purpose.
I have no time or date, but I truly believe this is it. I’ll pack up my room, rehome my dog, separate from friends and just disappear.
Oblivion is such a beautiful concept. Silence is my utopia. I’ve found my corner, and finally discovered that the only way out is down.
I’m so depressed today ,I’m all alone.Everyone’s so pretty and happy.What the f*** am I? A f***in loser that can never stay happy for no longer than 5 minutes.Kill myself.It’s the only solution.People never help me and I can’t help myself anymore,I’m tired . No one actually needs me . If I were to kill myself sure some people would cry but No one has EVER made me feel wanted or loved.
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