i’m tired of a lot.
i feel as if i have no life and no space. my father left us 3 years ago and he hasn’t been there much. he calls rude things and lies just about every day. i told him i dont see him as a father figure.. and he doesn’t really do much to change it.
my baby brother turned 5 yesterday but he has down syndrome. his test this year came out showing that he is in a mind of a 2 year old. and of coarse he still wears diapers, he doesn’t talk yet. exactly like a 1 year you could say. although he is my everything!
since my dad left, my mom has been working fulltime. since she works, i am stuck with my baby brother and my other 9 year old brother.
i don’t mind. it just bothers how my 9 year old brother doesn’t do anything. not even pick up his plate. and when i keep telling him he talks back and gives me attitude. andd who am i to be getting attitude? i am just trying to help my mom out.
i recently began doing homeschool because no one at school really likes me. i don’t mind. but my school is crowded and a lot of people bug me. i get annoyed easily with people and i can’t stand seeing so many people with so much noise in a tiny spot.
since ive began homeschooling, i looked at it as a time for me to stay home in peace and get my work done.
with that going on… it hasn’t worked out like that. we are in need of money so my mom has been getting me a title of ‘babysitter’.
i babysit another 2 year old girl 5 days a week and at times i take care of other kids.
i get bothered because at times i feel like i am a mom. of coarse i don’t pay bills. but i usually have to feed the kids, change their diapers, shower them, put them in bed, brush their teeth.
my brother with downsyndrome is very hyper all the time and it’s like as if you were dealing with twin babies. he is not easy to deal with.
i have no friends except two.
i use to be out , and have friends … but since we been going down with money i am like a stay at home mom who takes care of kids and cleans the house. i even have to take my mom to work so i can have the car to take the kids out to eat or just so we won’t be home all day.
i’m young and i want to live my life. i don’t need parties or any sorts of wild things to have fun. i just don’t want to be under so much responsibility and stress.
another thing that might be stupid more than anything is that i really like this one guy who i met online on xbox.
he lived 4 hours away and he is older than me. it was a bad choice but we would always talk so i felt like we had some trust.
we met a month and a half after talking and i just grew to really like him…
i had deactivated my facebook for a month. i got on last week and looked him up to add him but i kind of snooped around.
it’s turned out that he has been married and he had twins. but he has never told me that.
he right now lives with a roomate bc me and him stay talking late at night and we play online all the time so there is no way he can be with a wife and kids and be a complete bum.
i reminded him that he told me one day to tell him anything and just anything bc he would be there. Â then i told him if he has been doing the same and he said he had. i told him that i hope he hadn’t been keeping anything big from me.
he replied with an “ok…”
so basically he denied it an it dissapointed me. but i am trying to save this till he comes back to see me bc as i can see, he is trying to deny it. in person as we all know, evereything is better and you understand better.
i had a dream about him and his kids and i told him that i had a dream that he had kids….
he just said that it was a wierd dream…
i am just hopeless right now. i fall to quick and i know it is wrong to be doing this but for some reason i know it will be hard for me to let go.
besides guy problems.. i am a really sensitive person. i have a big heart and even the smallest things can upset me.
i’m never mean. if i am it makes me feel horrible and thats why i never be rude to people.
i think i let my kindness get me stepped on.
people always tell me that i look happy and things such like that. but i’ve been told im good at keeping things in.
i wish atleast something would go right .
atleast if i could see my friends often to spend time and get things off my mind.
atleast if my dad would change.
atleast if i didn’t have to babysit all the time.
atleast if i wasn’t so emotional and would let guys get the best of me.
but no. i’m always completely alone surrounding by little kids.
taking care of kids can be easy , i’m not going to lie. but once it’s ALL you do for almost two whole years, it’s really hard.
sometimes i lock myself in the bathroom when they’re all crying and fighting. i feel as if i can’t do much.
today i even went to buy myself subway really quick. i came back home and it alone in the car.. because it’s the only time i had to myself.. other than when i try to go to sleep which takes me forever . and i just cry myself to sleep often and listen to music .
i wake up every morning feeling as if this were a dream. but it’s all starting to take over me.
even when i turn 18, whose going to look after the kids while my mom is working hard?
definatly not my dad. he always hits my baby brother when he does a mistake and he screams at him and calls him annoying.
i can’t let my father treat them like that.
i just feel stuck with kind of no way to exit
6 comments
Man that’s a alot of responsibility to take on alone … i wish i could help you,, maybe you can ask 1 of your friends to help you out. Do you get paid? If anything you can split the money if your friend does agree to help you out.
And… about that guy… 2 kids? Apparently you’re not 18 yet from what you’ve said in your post. How old is that guy? …. iono … the guy sounds shady ….
he sounds supeeerrrrrrrrr shady ….
i only have two friends and usually they’re at school or busy or working. i barely get anytime with them.
i do get paid but usually my mom keeps the money and tells me she’ll give it to me later.
the guy is 24. and yes it does but i don’t what to do because it’s all making my mind get confused.
we were talking on the phone once and he told me to hold on bc his mom was calling.
when he got back he just told me ” sorry, my mom told me how my ex GIRLFRIEND keeps calling her and crying to her.”
it made think that since his mom is on the other side of the country and his ex girlfriend is calling her then him and her must of had a pretty strong relationship and all.
but it’s just wierd. even when i hung out he didn’t have the ring on him. and he payed for everything and i mean its a 8 hour drive total.
it’s like as if they got divorced or something but he still won’t mention a word.
Too much responsibility on someone of your age.
And you are correct you should be able to have some time to enjoy yourself with even simple things outside of being a stay at home mother.
Sometimes we as parents do not think of the impact that our choices may have on our children. I know because of my ex wife and I not being able to get along, I rarely saw my child.
As far as they guy I will just warn you to be careful.
You are emotionally vulnerable right now and may be prone to overlook certain things about a person.
And he knows this and may be playing on your heart.
Then again I could be wrong and he could be a good guy.
But if his actions and words start turning negative, for your own sake it might be smart to stay away from him. Because you are already under enough stress.
i would understand if we had no choice. but my sister has her own apartment and only works two days a week. she hasn’t even began college. and she knows i need help but she’s lazy.
when my dad has the chance, he rather be with friends.
his wife told him that he cannot see us often or talk to us often.
they already had a baby like a year ago. it breaks my heart but she turned him into a party animal and now he partys alot ad does things he never use to do.
it confuses me bc he gets jealous when im with a friend, even if it’s a girl. and when i’m with him he is very respectful. it’s just that out of no where he’s keeping a secret from me.
i know it would be smart to and i just might have to even though it would hurt but i wouldn’t be able to go through all that .