The things I said
The things I did
You never deserved it
Can I take it back?
Rewind the Track?
I was just so upset
— Hearing my father cry in the night praying to god that my mom will survive–
My hopes of going to Juilliard are through hospital bills are too high
I can’t even look at my mom she’ll see my pain
I love you Mommy I am sorry for everything
3 comments
Sorry. Julliard is awesome. Maybe you can get a scholarship or student loan.
I am terribly sorry , my grandma was my best friend she meant everything to me , she fought cancer all her life and told me the only reason she was still holding on was because of me , i hated seeing her in pain and it killed me, i told her she didnt have to hold on for me anymore that i would be okay and i would see her soon, she died a few hours after, i know how you must be feeling ,!
Hello Lifeless,
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this…I can sort of relate…I helped my Mom battle cancer last year. But I am an old woman…I can’t imagine how scared, angry, confused, and sad you must be feeling…my feelings almost overwhelmed me…and I am 50. But the truth is that your feelings are normal…you are grieving…if nothing else…the loss of your innocence…I imagine it feels like someone has knocked your foundation out from under you. But you need to find someone to talk these feelings out with…don’t let them overwhelm you…your focus needs to be on your Mom and yourself and healing for both of you. You have not said what type of cancer or what stage it is at. I pray that she recovers…..for your sake. No one should have to deal with this at your age….but you are doing fine….you are atleast talking and looking for help and answers.
I wish I could be more help and I wish i had your answers…but I only have mine. Just know that a positive attitude will work wonders for your healing and your Mom’s…so get some help to get out of this dark place and talk out your fear, and anger, and yes guilt….so you can focus on the positives eventuallly….your Mom could get better….and I suspect she will….but you will still need to deal with your emotions…don’t let them overwhelm you. You need to be there for her…and let your Mom know that you expect her to fight for her and you….but mostly for her…tell her you still need her. You would be amazed how much a mother can and will do when asked by her children….you know she would die for you….tell her you want her to live for you instead. And watch the magic.
As to the Julliard thing….I understand that too….and you have every right to be angry about what you think will be a missed opportunity…but don’t give up…it could still happen for you….and don’t feel guilty about thinking about yourself at this time…that is normal….I know that if you had to choose you would choose your Mom …but I also understand that you would prefer to have both….nothing to feel guilty about. But talk to your Mom and let her know how you are feeling…she is still your Mom….just don’t put too many demands on her….enjoy every moment you have….and hope for lots and lots more. I have a feeling things will improve…I hope that they will….you are too young to have to deal with this…but you are dealing…and pretty well I must say. Nobody is perfect….no one acts perfectly all the time….give yourself a break….find someone to talk to…a grief counsellor, therapist, friend….and keep coming here and talking if it helps. But keep talking. It will help.
Sending you and your Mom lots of hope, love and healing energy….
Amakua