i cant take it anymore….

I dont know whats been going on lately….me and my mom have been fighting so much to the point i cut myself last night…last time i did that was in September when everything around me fell apart… and when i found out my boyfriend was calling anther girl babe i forgave him and im starting to trust him more and more…but today he asked me if that girl he was calling babe could go to our church to meet me… i dont know what kills me more the fact hes still talking to her after everything that happened or he would really think i would want to meet her… like i dont want to say i hate her or judge her i dont even know her.. like everytime i see her name come up i start shaking not cuz i hate her but because i think about how much everything hurt…When you asked me if i was okay with you talking to her i only said yes cause i didnt want to be that girlfriend that tells you who you can & cant talk to…I dont understand why you would think i would be okay with that? I dont like you talking to her cause im scared its gonna happen again… she obviously means alot to you if you asked me if she could meet me… you have no idea how much that killed me inside the last two weeks ive been trying to over come the thought of killing myself and just going back to how things were then you tell me this… are you even over her like really??? i dont understand why you would do this to me like i really dont… today that pushed me over the edge.. like ive already been thinking about what it would be like if i wasnt here or ill be driving down the road and i start thinking what would happen if i just jumped out would it be worth it. Im trying to get right with God again cuz i havent been where i should be..im sick of this feeling…i want things better i dont wanna think about killing myself i dont wanna cut any more i want someone there for me but i dont wanna ask and everyone thinks i just want attention.