My mind tries to understand why things happen and say “there was a reason for that”. However it is simply an excuse, as if my mind is trying to make reason out of the shit that happens to me. It doesn’t take long for me to realize what’s going on, this defense mechanism isn’t very efficient once I’ve realized what it’s doing, but it doesn’t stop it from trying.
I can’t function under stress, any kind of stress. It isn’t even a big deal, I’m just unable to deal with stress. Even if it’s a tiny obstacle in my life, it becomes such a great deal that my mind has to turn on its defense mechanisms to try and keep me functioning.
Saying I have confidence would be a joke. Someone could walk up to me and say “You’re a terrible person.” and then kick a dog and strangle an old lady on the way out, and I would start to think that I’m a terrible person.
I hate when people think about me, it causes confrontation which is what I hate most. I would enjoy a life of solitude, I regret making friends at work, and I regret hanging out with the friends I made when I was in school, but I can’t leave them now, it would cause too much confrontation.
I can’t deal with sad people either, because I do not care about their problems, not out of lack of empathy but simply because I cannot relate to people with real problems. I do not understand how they do it, small issues in my life cause me to become depressed and contemplate my existence, I could never deal with real problems.
Being at the age between dependence and independence I know soon I’ll start experiencing a lot of serious problems, problems that will no doubt cause me to go insane, how can I deal with all these new problems if I can barely handle my current problems? I don’t want to deal with those problems, so I want to die, but I can’t kill myself, my mind won’t let me as I’ve already spent many days with my fathers .45 S&W.
I’m simply living, biding my time waiting for a chance to die, the most ideal position? To die for another person, somehow my mind is okay with that. I sit in traffic every day hoping maybe a bus will come flying out of control while civilians are crossing the street, I could swerve in front of it and take the hit, hopefully dying but saving the civilians on the crosswalk. I sit in my workplace hoping some poor man will finally snap and rush in the place with a shotgun and shoot me as I attempt to disarm him. I sit in the parking lot after work and wish a meteor would come crashing down and I could just stare at it as it comes towards me, shit that sounds beautiful.
I am completely aware that I would be saving someone only as an excuse to die, and I am completely okay with it. That person would never find out I was only using them, and hopefully they would soon forget me as ideally it would be someone I do not know.
The word excuse is a great analogy for my life, every time I do something it’s just an excuse my mind uses to keep my going. Adequate is a good one too, everything I own is simply adequate, my computer that is just adequate enough to play my games, my car that is just adequate enough for me to do my job, the engine light that has been on for weeks and the broken fuel gauge, broken anti break system and barely functioning power steering pump.
My life is just one big fucking excuse.