I don’t even know where to start.
My life has been nothing but constant turmoil for as long as I can remember. Literally, my first memory, is my dad standing over my mom strangling her on the futon. I think I was three or four. I have very few happy memories. I used to feel so sad, or angry, 21 years have gone by and I just don’t think my body can handle emotions anymore, now I just feel numb. I’ll be sitting in my room doing nothing of particular importance and out of nowhere its like i’m gasping for air, my chest feels tight, and I start crying but I don’t know why. I’m drowning.
I keep hoping and fantasizing one day someone will come save me, take me away. I know that won’t happen.
Today I found out my aunt died this morning. I’m not sure how I’m suppose to act.
I’ve dealt with so much sadness in my life, I don’t know how to be happy. I’ve become content and comfortable with misery. My dad has put me through so much I’m no longer equipped to function. Even as I sit hear in this dark room, I have to remind myself sometimes to breathe. The bottle of pills is so tempting. The only thing I can think about is how much will it cost my mom to bury me. I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to be this way.
I am poor.
I am sick.
I am ugly.
I am broken.
I am forgotten.
I am lonely.
I am empty.
2 comments
Take small steps to independence, to be on your own. I cannot understand what it means to be in your shoes I’ve never had such hardships. I only know a pain of wanting to die and that’s why I’m on here reading about suicide ….
my depression takes away everything in my life, I feel empty and hollow. Like no light could ever brighten my day but I guess I’m still here. Only to see what the future has to show. I don’t have much interest in life so I sit here waiting