I do not pretend I am not in pain when I walk through the halls of the university. Then again people do believe I am full of life, energy and charisma but what they do not know is the reason I come every day with long sleeves to the university. I am done with the concept of living for I know death is already part of my consciousness. I will not go to my Judo classes with long sleeves anymore and suffocate. I will not enter a classroom and pretend the murmur of the people talking to one another does not cause me paranoia.
Should I just send all these fears away, not suffocate any more in my thoughts nor shirts and finally walk without sleeves and not mind the fear in people’s eyes as they see my arms mutilated until my elbow?
I already am alone. I do not have friends. I do not have confident. I am 24 and struggling with the concept of being conscious at day. Struggling with the idea of living the weekends and not overdose on sleeping pills to avoid being awake.
I believe I expired and death just forgot to pick me up the day I almost killed myself. I’ve been internally dead since I was 19. Why wont I accept that I have been defeated and drift away.
3 comments
im 24 too…
u didnt expire… you are still here with us… you are never alone… why do u define this as a defeat? Maybe you should look for something else in your life… what are you interests?
Judo eh? you still have fight in you and grace.
what were you like before 19?
Judoka,
Seems as your training is giving you the strength to be you.
And in my past my training was the only thing that kept me going at times.
Warrior, you must fight on because in choosing to follow the martial path, you have added that definition to your spirit. And it is one of strength, discipline, and honor.