I know I haven’t posted in a while and that’s because I didn’t have anything to say. Now I have something to say. And it’s about the loveliest of creatures – a mother. I just got done talking to mine a bit ago, no, I wasn’t talking, she was. And that’s part of the problem. She talks and I don’t. She wants me to talk though. This sounds like it would be easily solved, but I feel like it’s not that easy. You see, my mom is not that interesting to me. That’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s pretty true. We’re just so opposite that it’s hard to speak to her sometimes. She likes talking about celebrity gossip a lot of the time, and that’s boring to me. When she does talk about stuff that would be interesting, like say, an old movie or something the way she talks isn’t how I would say something. In other words, my mom lacks a certain eloquence. She can make a story drag on and on before getting to the point, so when she does get to the point, I just really don’t care anymore. I find myself getting impatient with her, and sometimes I can’t hold back and find a way to rush it along. It’s rude and I feel guilty, but for some reason I have no patience for slow storytelling. To be honest, it’s not just her, it’s anyone that has the same qualities. But it’s not like that would make her feel any better about it. It’s been the source of many of our arguments. One time I flat out told her that I didn’t care about whatever she was saying, and I knew I shouldn’t have said that as soon as I said it. She stayed mad at me for at least a week and told me she wouldn’t tell me anything ever again. Silent treatment effective. I’m sure I begged for forgiveness or something and we had a tender Lifetime Movie moment after that. This happens a lot. It’s like a vicious cycle that keeps repeating itself.
Now there’s the problem that I told her I wanted to kill myself and I made her extremely upset and worried about me and she “poured her heart out to me” and now I never talk to her and stay on the computer all day. So I had been trying to make a little more of an effort to engage with her or laugh more or smile more. Something normal. But just now, as she was talking to me, about Whitney Houston (you know she died, right?), I could feel myself giving a blank stare and I imagine I looked like a zombie. So I kept trying to bring more life to my face, but it wasn’t working so well. I was bored and I didn’t care and she could tell and I felt guilty for not saying anything more constructive, but damn I just wanted to get my jello out of the freezer and what was I going to tell so and so and my back kinda hurts standing here, oh, yeah, Whitney Houston… I could have possibly brought up something that I wanted to talk about but I didn’t feel like speaking. And what on earth do I talk about? My feelings? I don’t even know what to say anymore. I think she thinks that the only reason I’m depressed is because I can’t get a job. I think that because that’s what she said to me, she told me to fill out more applications then. I don’t even know why I’m depressed, really. I suppose it’s the combination of things that have happened to me over the past couple of years, and I’ve told her that. I’ve told her that time and again. What more am I supposed to say about it? Should I just rehash it to make her happy, until I’m blue in the face? Sometimes I feel like a fucking zombie around my mom. She could be crying to me about me and I can’t even cry back. I can’t show my emotion to her and I don’t know why. Why can’t I just show her that I’m not an emotionless zombie? Why can’t I just speak to her like normal and not get annoyed or offend her or stare off into space? I love my mom. I truly do and I would never take my life and hurt her that way. I’ve told her that, in case you were wondering. Maybe I should reassure her of that?
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t feel like talking about things. Anything. But that’s not a good enough answer. Especially not for her. I am totally aware of my self-absorption and self-obsession and selfishness. I’m all about me these days. As evidenced by me only wanting to talk about my things, not my mom’s things. And staying far away from everyone. Avoiding them. For them and for me. Fuck. I just feel like saying fuck. Fuck it. Fuck that. Fuck everything. My isolation isn’t working and it’s not helping anyone or me. Problem solved. Right? Don’t isolate myself? But I need it. I don’t know why I need it, not exactly. But I need it. Another problem is that I really don’t like living with my parents. Trust me, they’re golden. I’m lucky to even be living under their roof rent free and with food on the table and such leniency and support and free hugs and whatever else I need. But I want to separate myself from them. It’s like I’m 20 and I want to spend less time with mommy and daddy. Can’t you understand? Only thing is now I spend zero time with them (aside from dinner). So it must be a shock, on their part. How to find a happy medium… I’m not sure why it’s such a shock though, I mean, we still live in the same god damn house and I’m like 30 feet away all the damn time. If I weren’t depressed or said I was suicidal, I wonder if this would still be a problem for them. Probably. What was I saying? Oh, yeah, me me me.
This is long enough, I’m sure. So I’ll wrap it up. I’m wracking my brain for things to talk about with her that doesn’t involve something that I don’t want to talk about. So… everything. lol. How is it that I can talk about it on here and not out loud, in person? I just feel like I’ve done that so much already, and maybe I don’t want to think about it consciously. Maybe I want to push my troubles to the back of my mind where it’s like they don’t exist. That’s another thing, that letter, that I wrote to myself. You guys remember that? It fucked me up big time. I haven’t been able to write since… until now. And since then it’s like I don’t want to talk about things. It’s like I accessed a part of me that wasn’t supposed to be accessed and now I’m paying for it through speechlessness. I kind of want to cry now because I’ve been/am being such an asshole to people that love me. And I don’t have an answer and I don’t have a reason and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like I could fix it. Like I have the answer and my reasons, but I can’t find them or say them or change them. Am I making sense to any of you? Okay, I’ll stop rambling on now. Thanks for reading.
23 comments
Weren’t you just Taylor????haha your so mean:P(I mean that In a qood way)and cry,et It out.It feels qood everytime I let It out.
Yeah, I was just Taylor. lol I changed it back. :p
Ahhh, I started to cry, but I stopped myself.
Hey. It’s funny how everybody on the planet has the exact same favorite subject: THEMSELVES. Don’t feel bad, because you’re going through a stage in your own personal development where you have to transition from a child to an adult. I’ve heard people call this a 1/4 life crisis.
You’re not a kid, you’re not quite a self sufficient adult…You have all sorts of decisions to make that will impact your future. The future is important, so of course you’re concerned about making the best possible decisions. Perfectly understandable.
If I had really good advice for you, I’d probably write a book instead and make millions. 🙂 Many of us have gone through what you’re going through. It’s a tough time for most. Trying to figure out what you’re going to do, and breaking away from the influence of parents. You just have to listen to your own inner voice, or intuition, or whatever. You have to live with the consequences of your actions, so do whatever you think is best. The primary person that you need to please is yourself. That’s selfish (according to some), but it is your life. You won’t find your way overnight, and you’ll make mistakes along the way, but it’s all part of the process. Best wishes.
Yeah, that’s definitely true. A 1/4 life crisis? Who knew there was a name for it after all, lol. I feel like I just struck gold. Or, well, you struck gold and you shared some with me.
Oh, but that’s how I like my advice, free of charge. :] It’s good enough for me, thank you.
Identity Crisis is another term for it. It’s when you’re not entirely sure of who you are, where you’re headed, you re-evaluate relationships, and don’t know what the best course of action is.
I don’t have this life thing all figured out either, that’s why I’m reluctant sometimes to offer an opinion. All I do know is that whatever I type is free of charge. Ignore it or accept it, the choice is yours.
I accept it, free of charge. I also accept the term Identity Crisis. I haven’t quite figured out who I am or where I’m going or where I want to go. And I don’t know if I have to just go with the flow or actively do something about it or both. I mean, clearly, I have to actively seek a job and I just sort of figure that everything will kind of fall into place after I get my basics worked out. But I dunno. I don’t know anything. lol. And, really, who does have this life thing all figured out? Especially on this site? I don’t think anyone does. You should just offer an opinion anyway, it’s just an opinion. It doesn’t have to be taken as the gospel.
Weird, my high school’s motto was “Make it a great day, or not, the choice is yours”. I’m not so sure about that. Sometimes life intervenes to fuck up your ‘great’ day and you don’t have control of that.
Hiyo GG( I’d say welcome back, but not sure if it’s always good to be back here… )
Moms( and well parents in general ) can be difficult to deal with :/ Mean to say that they are people to be “dealt” with – but well it can be true, especially when you’re older and would rather be independent and choose when YOU want to talk with them…
I hope you don’t think yourself a mean or bad person for that…. I mean I can empathize with you in that you don’t know what to talk about with them, when in reality you don’t care, but don’t want to hurt their feelings. Bah. Sorry you’re stuck in such a cycle…
I mean the important thing is that both of you realize that you both love each other…But I guess sometimes that doesn’t stop people’s feelings from being hurt.
Hope she can better understand you – that you’ll talk when you want and what you want to talk about… I can’t really tell you to try sharing those feelings, because then I’d be a total hypocrite, even still…
Oh and ” but damn I just wanted to get my jello out of the freezer and what was I going to tell so and so and my back kinda hurts standing here, oh, yeah, Whitney Houston…” this, all the way ha. Relate.
Also, “Fuck it, fuck X” new motto of mine, works great doesn’t it?
:/ Don’t cry….
Good luck… (Also agree with lucy btw)
Hey Will. Yeah, I guess it can be good to be here, and not at the same time.
Haha, yeah, I’d say dealt is good word, and it is kind of mean, but it’s true. I can’t relate to their feelings because I’m not a parent and all I know is that I would rather talk to them, like you said, when I want to talk to them. I do kind of think of myself as mean or like I’m a bad person for it. Guilty as charged. My mom likes to make me feel guilty for it too sometimes. Totally agree though, I don’t know what to talk about, and more importantly, I don’t care to talk. But I’d rather not hurt their feelings by saying so. And feelings would be hurt, more on my mom’s part. My dad is less of a “feelings” person. haha.
Don’t worry about being a hypocrite. I told you I was the other day.
Lol, do your thoughts trail off like that too? Yes, fuck it. Fuuuuuck ittttt. Works fabulously.
I didn’t cry, well, I teared up for maybe a minute. I’m okay though. Thanks for the luck. :]
The mind advanced
uncompatible with the minds of her surrounding
the Spirit reaches in and reaches out but never Truly connects
overtime and overtime, each time losing a bit more of oneself; weakening.
Without The Connection, the Light within ever so slowly dissipates
And the Fear
eventually perhaps …. blending in…
I like that, X. Seems very… true.
i guess, you just gota learn to reach out (to your mom) at her level(?) …
Yeah, i mentioned Whitney Houston to my mom the other day, I wasn’t interested but i knew she would be…
Yeah, I really haven’t tried to empathize with her at all about it. Because I think that might make me feel even worse for not talking to her much. I thought I could just try random topics, just to seem like I’m trying at least. I don’t know. Oh, Whitney Houston, must be a mom thing then…
i read somewhere blah blah blah,
that the next generation to the previous is more advance (in the mind I guess). Like an updated sofware/version.
and it’s suppose to be like …. the child teaches the adult … rather than… the other way around.
If we’re more advanced, I’d say it’s because of better technology. I’m not so sure if that makes this generation smarter though..
where everyone go? =x
=d
OK. I really didn’t want to get all hippy or Buddhist on you, but here it goes.
You create your own reality. You are currently starring in a reality TV show that IS YOUR LIFE. Which character are you portraying? The difficult bitchy one? The nice one? The one that hardly ever gets shown because they’re quiet, introspective, and not so interesting to watch?
You control your actions, and you can be whichever character you choose to be (unless your acting skills are limited. I doubt that Clint Eastwood could ever be a convincing limp wristed Gay).
My point is this: It’s your life. Live it. Be who you are. If it takes a minute or two to find your way, so be it. You weren’t born to please your parents. If they don’t understand the role you’re playing in YOUR LIFE, that’s their problem. You’re not going to get an 100% approval rating from the audience. The opinions of the critics don’t matter. They’re not living your life-you are. So fuck them & the horse they rode in on.
Things will fall into place, but not magically. You do have to exert some effort. It’s not easy, you’ll make mistakes and suffer setbacks along the way. But that doesn’t mean you’re a loser. Just another imperfect human stumbling along like the rest of us.
Please forgive my irrational optimism. I’m going to sleep now.
Bah, GG I think you’ve told me and so I’ll tell you: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You can say “Ticker says I’m a decent human being” if that helps( and more than decent ), ha.
Well, wish your mother wasn’t try to guilt trip you either…but hey mothers are mothers.
Aye, I don’t think people get that you don’t want to talk, and it can get rather annoying and frustrating. But no, no – don’t want to be mean, got to be nice…blah blah. Ah being the considerate one…And feeling bad when you just can’t do it anymore…Well if you’re a bad person we’re both bad lul.
Oh yes they do, the point where you’re TRYING to give your interesting face and have replies that sort of show that you’re paying attention – but in your head you’re just complaining and thinking of what you’d rather be doing at the time. Pretty “rawr” moment. Yes, fantastic solution to things.
Aw, well I mean if you got to cry go for it and let it out. Just don’t want you to be sad enough to be crying…
Yup, no problem though you probably don’t need luck 😛
invincible chains
twisted realm
got to break free
want to? Want to go on an adventure or what ..
goodnight Abbacus ^^
and Hi @Willtickin .. just saying hi =)
just wandering around,,,
Hey I’m sorry I don’t mean to chnqe the subject but do you remember that Jennifer qirl?
What your going through is entirely normal. Basically you’ve outgrown the relationship that you have with your parents. You have a parent/child relationship, problem is you’ve now outgrown that relationship but have no room to transition into the new one (parent/woman). The way most people make that transition is to get some distance and rebuild the relationship as someone who visits maybe twice a week and spends quality time together, as opposed to someone who lives there all the time and subsequently takes the time spent together for granted.
Don’t beat yourself up for making a transition into adulthood.
Move out run for the hills before she sucks the life outta ya…my mum is the same its all about her yadda yadda
I was the same with my parents in my early teens. They were actually cool compared than the other kids parents because they were young.
I had a fight with my mum once and mover out to my nans. My nan told me that there was this old saying that if you sleep next to your mum and it is raining she will make you sleep under the shelter whilst she sleeps in the rain but it sounds much much better when you say it in punjabi.
PS I used to be called Duke of Marmalade