The more I know the less I know. I truly know nothing. Life is about living outside one’s self, the world is greater than your perception of it, I know this, believe it, feel it, yet I still feel numb. I feel guilty for what I have and resentful for what I don’t. I’m in constant contradiction. I just cannot fill the void that’s inside me. I know deep down I’m blessed, seeing others, knowing and feeling what others go through only makes me feel lesser than what I am. I’m stuck in thought and just fail to progress. This to shall pass, but is this the way it has to be? Is life really worth living? It’s just that maybe my purpose is just this and this alone. Am I resisting the inevitable? Resisting what is, is suffering, and suffering is all I have. My life is nothing but memories and prediction, past and future, thoughts in my mind that aren’t even real. What is real? I have no one who truly understands my being. I just cannot connect to anyone. The few people in my life are in complete ignorance. It’s as if I’m not of this world, just a part of it. It’s as if everyone’s in delusion, the delusion that everything is okay, that life is worth living, but to what end? Where does this motivation come from? All I’m capable of is to observe. Only to observe and reside in my despair. It’s impossible, simply and irrevocably impossible to just want to keep pushing on. We live in a world of duality, but in truth it’s really all two sides of the same coin. Subjective or objective, right or wrong, you cannot have one without the other. Everything just is. It just so happens that I fall on one polar end of the duality spectrum. Each and every moment is nothing but agony as despair, defeat and turmoil, and I just feel stuck. I feel tired. What little motivation I have is diminishing as each day passes. I’m at the point where I simply don’t care anymore. Enough is enough. Everything I do is “wrong” and nothing truly works out my way, yet in truth I don’t really care. I just don’t care anymore. It is what it is and I just want to let go. I just want to let go. I’m alone in this world and I just want to let go.
You’re definitely not alone in this world. Countless people before you and countless people after you will feel the same things. You may not feel connected to them, but you are. You think that everything you do is “wrong”. Have you ever considered that it’s okay to be wrong? In fact, it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. Despair, anguish, pain – these are all symptoms of depression and treatable with the advice and care of one or several medical professionals. It seems as though your thoughts are spiraling out of control. The mind takes off like a spinning plate – it’s a balancing act that is almost laughable when you stand back and look at it objectively. So you start off with one negative thought about yourself (you make a mistake), then your reaction is self-doubt and criticism, which leads to the full-blown emotion of despair (that everything you do is wrong). Pay attention to what triggers these thought spirals. Wait for the catalyst, then pay attention to your reaction. The more you do this, the less often you’ll end up with the dreaded lingering emotions long afterward. I know it sounds weird. Remember though, when we react to a situation or event, we sometimes don’t realize just how strongly we’re reacting to it (until we’re in bed, up all night, ruminating over how terrible our lives are). How odd it is that we can go from a simple mistake, to thinking that life isn’t worth living. Step back and observe this, but observe it from a different perspective.
You are a wonderful person. Deep inside you really do care (even if depression is clouding that fact). You are talented. You are a human being and you deserve respect and happiness in your life. This is your core. From your core, observe the thoughts you wrote down in your post. Remember, you and your thoughts are two separate things. Your thoughts may swirl around you, like wind, but you are a mountain – strong, dignified and immovable. Are you going to let some wind topple you over?
I don’t think so!
I recommend mindfulness meditation and professional help if you can get it. These things brought me back from the brink of despair and I can tell you – although it seems utterly, completely, 100% impossible to be happy again, you WILL be happy. And you will look back at this time in your life as a learning experience and be amazed at how different you were. Believe me. I’m from the internet! 😛
In all seriousness though, the cloud of depression can be lifted and a brand new world of happiness and excitement is waiting for you. You just need a little hep getting there. No need to judge yourself because of that, considering millions of people need help too. Don’t spend your time ruminating over the past (it can’t be changed), and don’t spend your time worrying about the future (it hasn’t arrived yet).
Always remember, you DO deserve respect, love and compassion. And you WILL be happy again (even though things may suck right now). When I think about how I was about to throw all that happiness away on suicide, just because I couldn’t wait it out and get the help I needed, I feel amazed.