It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything, let alone posted anything… I think December was the last time I posted? I’m too lazy to check (even though it is a few clicks). I’ve been a diagnosed depression patient for almost 5 years now, dunno how long I’ve actually been depressed for though, seems like it’s been for a good chunk of my life though
There was a certain moment in my life when I reallyy really wanted to kill myself. And then there was those other moments when I was really close to that… though even in my most jaded of times, I still had some sliver of hope.. I wouldn’t say that I’m no longer depressed, frankly I don’t know what that would even feel like.. I’m definitely happier than I was back in the fall. While a part of me wants to die, in reality, I really think it wants to be saved. I’d like to eventually become that person that brightens up people’s days, instead of the other way around.
My thoughts of suicide are still bouncing around in my head, but I’m stronger now. I’m tryingg now, and that’s the biggest difference between now and then. Admittedly, I wouldn’t be trying any of this had it not been for the love of my life. It’s ironic though, since I was originally going to kill myself because of her leaving me.. but it’s not important now. It’s not good to dwell in the past, what’s important is now. One thing I can say, is living in the moment has really made me a bit more hopeful and positive in a way.
I’m not on any medication yet, I have some.. but I wanted to see how far I could really progress without medication.. it’s hard, sometimes I find myself going back to my old habits and sleeping all day.
Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, nobody likes being like this.. there’s so much pain and loneliness in all parts of the world, but really it’s only you that can change how you feel. I began to understand that my habits of sitting around all day doing nothing and moping around weren’t helping long-term, sure I’d feel better for a short while, but it’s not a healthy habit to have. In order to “overcome†depression, there needs to be some actions, you need to have this drive to keep pushing yourself well past your limits. This may be with me for the entire course of my life, but I’ve learned now it’s important to know how to live with this. And here I am trying, I’m at the halfway point where I’m either going to let this be who I am, instead of what I am.. but I’m not having that. I am depressed, but that’s not who I am. I’m a happy person..
“If you want something in life, reach out and grab itâ€
7 comments
positive messages like this make me angry
Hi SunnySideUp
I’m glad you are making progress. I think you talk a lot of sense.
Whether we want to accept it or not, we each have to take responsibility for helping ourselves. Sure, we can seek help from those around us but, ultimately, we’ve got to start doing some things for ourselves. There is no quick or easy fix and, like you say, many of us probably need to accept that this will be with us for life. We may never be completely free from it, but we need to try and manage it to our best advantage.
Deathblooms,
Why do they make you angry? I
OB1,
Thanks I appreciate. Means a lot to me. How are you doing today. well tonight I guess? It’s a big thing to tackle, but everyone has it in them to do it.. I’m still struggling with myself to make the effort each day, but you’ve just got to take one day at a time.
Thanks again, and I hope you’re doing well!
Hi Sunny,
I’m doing OK, thanks.
I’m fortunate in that I have just about been able to continue working, so I haven’t had that added pressure to deal with.
I also made the decision that I wasn’t going to keep beating myself up for feeling bad or not being able to function as well as I’d like. I just accepted I’m struggling and don’t find life as easy as I used to, or as others do. I thought to myself, so what? Other people aren’t putting pressure on me to do anything or be anything, so why would I put pressure on myself?
I know I have to try to take steps to do more, but I’m going to go at my own speed – I remember the tortoise and the hare story from my younger days! In the meantime, I still try always to be polite to people and I try to show people kindness when I can – although I do hide away from the world quite a bit at the moment.
i don’t value myself at all. so the idea of working on myself irritates me. i’d rather worry about the worlds problems than my own. that’s why. good piece of writing though.
OB1-what you just said has had a huge effect on me! 🙂 I’m in a similar situation,coping with an eating disorder and lots of sickness,and I find that i’m usually depressed and angry because i’m focused on the things I couldn’t do because of recovery and being sick,and not on the love and support of the people around me,and on the things I can do,and that I have done. I have to admit,I know I’m kind of a half glass empty person,and what you said about other people not pressuring you,that it’s you that’s pressuring you,and the tortoise and the hare,and about being kind to others,I think it’s brilliant and really the point of life-to be there for others and spread love as much as we can. your very inspiring,so thank you.:)
I’ve never been diagnosed with depression but I’m pretty sure I am. I can relate with a lot of what you wrote. Bad experiences with love and being jaded bring me down to new lows. My friends who know my troubles with relationships all say I’ve had the absolute worst luck – worse than anybody they know. You name it, it’s probably happened. It’s really all I’ve ever wanted in life yet I’m as alone as ever. I am generally happy when I’m out or busy but it’s not real. The nights are always the worst. I’ve slept through enough days to watch the past year zoom by. I don’t want to keep living like this, spending upwards of 16 hours a day in bed, but I’m just tired of the rejection and BS with people. Yet at the same time I am fairly picky and want someone I can bond with. I found a great girl and it’s astounding how quickly things went from “best ever” to “worst ever” for no apparent reason. I just want a few good years with somebody who hopefully won’t hurt me, otherwise I see life as pointless.