I have no reason, downfalls or problems for why I want too do this to myself all I know is that I want too. Senseless right? I agree, though I have been battling with it since I was about 12 so everyone has a breaking point right? No one has any idea of what I’m about to do either. Some in the past have seen how I am but probably thought as I got older I grew out of it as if it were a phase. Well if you’re reading this any of you… it doesn’t really matter any more does it. I’m texting my girlfriend at the moment as if nothing is happening. Is that cruel? Either way I’m beyond the point of concern I guess. I have tried in ways to promote how I feel, though when it comes to really making it noticeable I always wonder why bother as it’s easier for them not to know. I’m rambling now which in itself it’s just a way of prolonging what people may or may not read. I guess the purpose of me putting this on here is so that, if people realise my username and figures out who I am my family will know what was going through my head. It has nothing to do with you so don’t worry, well on part to do with my sister but lets not point fingers that solves nothing.
It’s selfish but I don’t care who this hurts as this isn’t for them this is for me. I can’t look at myself any more and when I do I hate what I see. I have lied, cheated, deceived, manipulated and betrayed everyone who has meant something to me and you all love me for it. I myself can’t stand myself but seem incapable of stopping. So here I am, stopping myself.
Hopefully what I have done to you all will not come to light as it would destroy your friendships and relationships and I want to get out and leave everything as the precarious pile of bricks it is.
Truth and knowledge let us rule our realities, ignorance lets us enjoy them.
3 comments
Hi there,
After reading oyur post I can’t not see no reason why you want to do what I assume is ‘get out and leave’ I totally understand not wanting to concern my family with my ‘disturbing thoughts and acts’ but trust me they care. They always do. If you are still in contact with your mother(you didn’t mention her so I don’t know whether you are or not) she cares. Most definetely. The proof is in the fact she was willing to carry you and support you for 9 straight months (and also to raise you) You might think that it’s pointless or nobody will ever get you but they’ll listen as logn as you’re willing to share. And for your dad and sister, they’ll care too about how you feel. (you’re girlfriend you should probably leave to tell last) Try and consider it, I know that planning it out in advance really helps. Like almost pre-scripting it by coming up with things to say and possible responses. feel free to email loveislouderstaystrong@hotmail.com if you want to talk more or just want to vent to someone. but just understand, they’ll care about how you feel.
I hope you’re ok x
I don’t have any friendships to destroy and even if I did, thats hardly your fault.