I don’t expect anyone to listen or care, i just need someone to vent to and if it happens to be stranger so be it, Nothing will change.

I was disgnoed with evre depression and aniexty in oct.2011, they started me on medication, but none of it make me feel that this is all still worth it, why do i ever have to try to feel happy, i don’t perever feelings, they just eat at me inside untill,my body starts to shake with uncontrollble force, forcing back the tears in public and silence of my mouth, doesn’t stop the soiltary inside me.These though consume me and my life been over turn, it getting worse that i rather go back to 13 and only have my eating disorder on my mind, at least that kept me distracted from this world. Idk if it more work not to care, or care at all. I don’t give a fuck about myself anymore, i don’t want to exist, this feeling may be forgotten but my heart presses deep below my chest. I haven’t cut in months and  every urge i have to force a knife down my arm, just gets stronger. it a reoccuring thought almost daily.

haven’t been on here in months cause u honestly try to trick ur self into believe ur happy, but the simplities thing break u down, everything still feels outa reach, everyone to far to save me. Yesterday night, my friend drop me off at the train around 9:00

just missed it but i didn’t care i just wanted to be alone soo i could cry, it was cold but i just sat with my eyes closed rocking back and forth as  some tears rolled down my cheeks, waiting for the train to come, wondering it to jump would be definite , but it hurt more feeling my mother suffer, the only one who’s done so much to help me try to get better. but i don’t think any of this is  or will ever be worth it.